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Am I trans and is this normal? (Dating\Sex stress)

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Marss, May 23, 2021.

  1. Marss

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    Long story short. I have felt gender dysphoria since starting puberty, I am now in my early 20’s and I still feel it...I am female but inside I feel very gender neutral which I am fine with but the thought of future dating/sex is stressing me out.

    With girls I feel very gender neutral, more feminine but not womanly (Non binary/Lesbian) ...however with guys (cis men) I strongly feel like a gay trans boy, (like a boy just with different body parts) I feel androgynous but more masculine/null...I hate the thought of feeling/being seen as a woman to a cis man. Is this normal? or do I sound crazy?! How can this make sense?

    I would much appreciate your thoughts or advice. X
     
  2. Redbud123

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    So if I'm understanding correctly, you're attracted to both men and women, tend towards the neutral gender expression yourself, but when interacting with men or women, you lean towards expressing yourself to be a bit more like the gender of the person/people you're interacting with?

    But that it's very important to you that you're seen as more masculine by the men when you're with them?

    Hmm... It's interesting. Now this is just a theory that popped into my head just now, so take it with a grain of salt. I've noticed that often people act as a kind of mirror for the people around them. Whatever group of people they find themselves interacting with, they take upon a persona that is adapted to that group. A person may seem like a totally different person around their friends than around their parents, for instance. "When in Rome, do as the Romans do." I think that this is kind of an empathetic reflex, a way that people bond, by taking on characteristics of the group or "meeting them on their level". You may notice that sometimes people unconsciously mirror the body language of the people they talk to, or catch a contagious yawn.

    I'm a firm believer that humans usually interact differently in same sex groups than they do in mixed groups. Your desire to be seen as "one of the guys," may stem from the desire to have that kind of relationship with them. There are certain dynamics at play between cis men and women that plays out very differently than a similar interaction with another man. There may be a bit of baggage in regards to ill treatment of men by women, (some men can be pretty bad,) or it may come from a place of wanting that kind of mutual camaraderie style relationship as a social peer to the man as opposed to the more complex type of relationship they have with women that can often feel more distant and with less common ground.

    I mean, I love women, but I've never connected with them as deeply as I have with men. Maybe some day, but the male-male bond is not something I feel that is easily replaced by or even is a comparable experience when it comes to interactions the opposite sex. That being said, I would probably say that I'm talking mostly about relationships with cis het women being nothing like relationships with men, het or gay.
    But an androgynous bi woman? Might be an exception. I've known some women who just feel like "one of the guys," It's a matter of the energy they give off, don't know how to describe it.

    Umm, so I'm kind of rambling here. Forgive me if my musings are totally off the mark. I do think that wanting to be treated like a member of the same group as opposed to a heterosexual relationship has a different dynamic worth wanting and desiring. There's all sort of complicated gender dynamics that could drive the desire. Also, it should be noted that power dynamics kinda play in the background of many male relationships, but it's usually less about domination and more of mutual support and vulnerability. It's a long topic in and of itself. Anyway, I treasure my male relationships, and can honestly say I wouldn't feel like I was getting the same kind of thing out of it were I a female.

    I think your feelings are perfectly valid, and gender expression can be an adaptable thing. What's important is the underlying reasons for those desires, and I feel like only you can figure that out for yourself with some heartfelt introspection. I hope you find it food for thought! Cheers!
     
    #2 Redbud123, May 24, 2021
    Last edited: May 24, 2021
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  3. clockworkfox

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    I also hate the thought of being seen as a woman to a cis man, so it doesn't sound crazy at all to me. It's been my biggest struggle in dating so far.

    That said, I've also had a girlfriend, and I didn't want to be seen as a lesbian in that scenario (I'm trans but I haven't taken any medical steps, yet).

    Personally, I don't think there's really a lot of difference in how men and women "feel". I hang around with them pretty much equally, and I've noticed that they tend to be much more alike than unlike. I've come to the conclusion then that gender is real the way money and time are real - they have a very real impact in the world, but they're largely a human-made concept. They carry the weight we put on them.

    What makes you feel good, socially? To be seen as a man, a woman, neither, both? Could you be fluid?

    With transgender discourse it's easy to fixate on dysphoria, but what about gender euphoria? Can you think of any specific times you felt really seen, or really sexy? When do you feel the happiest regarding gender? In a lot of ways, our moments of euphoria can be even more telling.
     
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  4. Marss

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    That’s very interesting, thank you for your prospective. I also appreciate you being respectful while insightful.