Am I pretending to be gay? Was I straight all along?

I relate to that so, so much. I have convinced myself many times that I said I wasn't straight because I wanted to be different or because I wanted the solidarity of belonging to a group, or because I wanted out of my marriage. (Even though now I have been out of my marriage for a long time and I left for other reasons.) I don't like to admit that because it sounds like I don't realize that it's really rough to be queer in this society, but it's true.

In my case I also have a long history of regular relationships with men which seems to indicate I may be wrong about myself. So I'm still confused. :bang: But I just wanted to tell you how much I can relate to that.

 

Ouch, that's a tough one. It reminds me of when I was an inpatient in a psych hospital. we were getting some time out for Thanksgiving, and one of the women tried to say something helpful to a girl with an eating disorder, and she said, "just go and eat an entire pecan pie!" We feel what we feel, and there is no cheap way to let go of what we feel. What I would say is to keep walking the journey with other people who are trying to get healthier, and you will get healthier. Reach out and help others who share the same struggle, and share with them whatever you find works for you, or whatever wisdom you have heard from someone else. If the only place you have that you can do this is EC, then be sure to spend some time here every day and eventually you will notice that those feelings are not as intense. If you have other options, take advantage of them too. By other options, I mean therapy, support groups, friends who share the same struggles or in whom you can confide, all of the above and anything else you can think of or have access to. Just keep doing the work that goes into knowing yourself accepting yourself as you are, and you will end up much better adjusted than the straight people who never had a crisis that forced them to stop and looking into their souls (if such people really exist, because it seems like everyone has some silent struggle that eventually brings them to their knees). And in that vein, one thing that I have learned and have had to re-learn a number of times in my life is that we must never judge our insides by other people's outsides. We'll always lose that one! Because no matter how well adjusted we may be, a smooth surface often covers turbulent waters! (&&&)

 

Not in a mean way, bro, but have you ever considered that you might have a mental illness?

There's nothing wrong with having one, I've got a few and so do most of my friends. Knowing about them often explains a lot of things you never realized were connected. It sounds like you're having a lot of baseless, upsetting thoughts and doubting yourself way more than you should and that's a big red flag for OCD and/or anxiety disorders.

I know some people with anxiety disorders and sometimes they'll latch on to some thought, no matter how ridiculous or logically unsound, and worry about it until they make themselves sick. They know there's not a logical basis for it but they can't help feeling like maybe... It's generally stuff like "I'm not actually good at this activity, I'm just faking, I'm a liar and tricking people into thinking I'm good" or "I'm a terrible person and I've just managed to hide it from the rest of the world, someone's going to find out and then everyone will hate me" or "I'm going to fail this class. I know the teacher said I'm getting an A but I know in my heart that I'm a failure". You know, stuff that doesn't really make sense but that's based in questioning who you are and feeling like a fraud.

And that sounds kind of like your problem with "I know I've only ever been attracted to guys and have never wanted to be more than platonic with any member of the opposite sex, but maybe I'm making it up and just trying to be gay for attention." If someone came up to you and said that, you'd tell them it was silly, right? This is just your mind playing tricks with you.

Anyway, just throwing it out there. I hope you feel better.

EDIT: just read the rest of your posts and looks like you're already considering it. Talk to a psych, man. Seriously. Don't try to struggle through this stuff on your own, go talk to someone who can actually help you.

 

I've gone through a few rounds of feeling like I was straight again throughout my life, or feeling like I was "cured" or that I had "repented." That was all wishful thinking on my part. The fact is, I have always been gay, and I never stopped being gay, and all those interludes were always destined to come to an end because I was just pretending to be someone who I was not. Now I am working on becoming my authentic self. I hope that your psychiatrist can help you to discover your authentic self. And whoever that authentic self it will be beautiful.

 

yeah, for a long time I just couldn't accept that I was gay. It wasn't that I believed that I was gay and "wanted" to be straight, but rather that I actually believed I was straight despite what I was doing, and who I was attracted to. I don't know if that has anything to do with your situation, but I was just sharing some of my eperience.

 

If these thoughts really do come from OCD, then it's really hard to get rid of them even if they are totally baseless. I've thought the most stupid thoughts, that I knew were wrong or didn't matter, but they just got stuck in my head. There are a lot of ways to treat the problem though.

(I mean, I think in this case it's worse, because being gay is a huge issue, so your irrational thoughts of being straight are hooked up with perfectly rational thoughts about how hard it can be to be gay, and so forth.)

That said, I'm not a mental health professional, so I can't diagnose you with anything! I may be totally off. But I think talking to your psych should help.

 

My vote is just sitting down to play some games for the night. Wasting a few hours killing dragons or building castles out of blocks with no worries or responsibilities always helps me.

 

That describes me. Except that I go back and forth between wanting to be gay and wanting to be straight. When I worry about actually being bi or asexual I really want to be gay. Sometimes I have periods where I just label myself gay despite any weird feelings. If I stay with the gay label long enough I start to wish I was straight! When the HOCD is gone I have to deal with internalized homophobia. Why can't I ever be happy with my sexuality?

 

I'm not even sure if I actually have internalized homophobia. A lot of it seems OCDish as well. I get invasive thoughts like "you're a gross dyke", "don't forget to wear makeup, you'll look like a dyke if you don't", "don't look at that girl for too long, people might think you're a pervy dyke" or I get iimages of gross lesbian sex and my internal voice saying eww. I know I had internalized homophobia when I was younger. A lot of it went away when I was fourteen. I don't like it when it suddenly returns.

 

I sometimes want to show my gayness as well. I also want to prove to myself and everyone else that I'm truly gay. Despite that I still have to deal with homophobic thoughts.

 

The biggest thing that you've got going for you, galindatrhopp, is that you are honest, very honest. you are honest with yourself and others about being gay, and you are honest about your thoughts (obsessive thoughts?) about not being gay. I struggled with honesty with myself for years, and still struggle with it with others, so I think that is not a bad place to be. As far as not being gay, I would add lightheartedly that I am so happy being gay that I would be a little scared by the prospect of finding out that I'm really straight. For you, this is a much more serious issue, but if you keep being hones with your psych about it, and are faithful with whatever meds or advice they give you, things will get better. You might not notice it overnight, but I think that if you stop at different points and look at where you are compared to where you were a year ago, you'll see a difference. At least, I hope that is the case for you, as it has been for me. When I look at where I am now as compared to ten years ago, or 20 years ago, or 30 years ago, wow, that makes me realize that I'm not as :***:ed up as I usually think that I am! (&&&)

 

You say you fear being any degree of straight. What I think is going on is that this pressure to be 100% gay is an impossible standard to live up to, because if you so much as look at a girl then suddenly you doubt whether or not you are 100% gay. This is making you paranoid.

Relax your standards a bit, don't worry about being a little homoflexible or bisexual. Don't get hung up on the labels.

You're aiit.

 

I went through this but for me l didn't want to be lesbian, so I thought maybe I'm not really gay and want to be a lesbian . I think it's a form of internalized homophobia and not really having to do with someone wanting to be the perfect gay. It's kinda like a state of shock you go through on the road to acceptance