Am I gay? Yes, but can I live my life as straight man?

Wow! I don't want to repeat what other guys are saying, but THIS IS ME, TOO! I haven't come out to my wife, but I'm working with my therapist on doing it. I'll need lots of emotional support.

I do not see leaving her. But once I reveal who I really am to her, she will feel cheated and lied to. Arghhhh!

Keep this thread going. It's helping me immensely.

Tracker

 

Hey Jim:

I'm proud of you, too, for being honest with your wife. I really admire you for that and admit that I am not there yet. Last year I tried to come out a little bit to my husband by taking him to a gay event and telling him that I was attracted to women, but all he said was "Well, no wife of mine is going lesbo!" So I just sunk back in the closet.

I do feel for your wife, though. Despite her preoccupation with other family issues, by asking the question she did, you know that the wheels are spinning in the back of her head. I know that on some level my husband is aware, too. I think when the time is right and you have the heart to heart with your wife she will not be surprised at all and may even be supportive. I just have a hunch that if she already knows that you're gay and networking with others on EC that she in part is allowing you your freedom.

 

When I came out to my wife 5 years ago we sort of went into a holding pattern. We figured we'd just keep on living our lives and largely ignore the pink elephant in the room. That lasted about 2 years or so and ultimately we divorced. It was very amicable. She's still my best friend. It was heart wrenching and difficult and not all positive and happy. But on balance, moving in that direction was the best thing I've done.

At first I was so happy she didn't kick me out, I actually think I loved her even more! Lol. But as time passed I realized I wasn't just short changing myself, I was short changing her too. She had evey right to be in a loving committed sexually active relationship with a heterosexual man. it's not easy to make the transition, but it's been worth it for me.

J.

 

Have you talked with your wife about where your relationship is heading? Different folks can find a different balance for all this. I think the important thing is lots of communication. And remembering that, when you're. Married, coming out isn't only about you. It's also about your spouse. While you may be excited about the possibilities of a new life, they may well be terrified. They have to go through all the stages you do, but they don't get the same pay off at the end of the day.

Sounds like you're very close to your wife still, so I would try not only thinking about how coming out may impact your life, but hers too. Hope that doesn't sound like lecturing, it's not intended to! Just sharing my experience and thoughts.

Good luck Jim.

 

I just did an internet search wondering why gay men marry straight women, and I found this thread and just wanted to post as the woman's side of things.

I am very sympathetic to how hard it must be to come to the place where a person can admit they are gay. I have gay relatives and friends.

But, I had been a divorced single mom for 12 years and doing pretty well, not really dating, just raising my kids, not too many prospective men to date.

3 years ago, an acquaintance of mine, a widower, had run into me somewhere and we started chatting and he asked me out. He is nice, and I said okay. One thing led to another, and at one point he did say to me that when he was younger he had thought he might be gay, but then he met his wife and was married to her for 18 years and then she passed away. I didn't really think twice about it and continued to date him, and we eventually got married. On the honeymoon, it was apparent to me that something wasn't right, and it just got worse and worse.

He still will not admit he is gay. He does not want to go to hell (as he puts it), so now I am in the position of being a very hurt woman who has to start life all over again at 50, and still be his encourager and tell him that, even I as a Christian woman would not think that he is going to hell for being who he is.

I will never understand the church and societies push to make gay people try to be "straight." Funny thing is, I'm pretty sure my ex husband who I was married to for 13 years and had 2 sons with is gay, too, although he will never admit it. He never was able to enjoy sex, and we rarely had that kind of relationship.

Being married to 2 men like this in a life time has pretty much killed me, and I have no desire to ever marry again, but I guess I want to encourage you to be honest with who you are and help other men who are struggling so that more of us hetero sexual women don't become collateral damage in the process of these men trying to figure out who they really are. Does that make sense?

I want to be very angry at him. I gave up my entire life to marry him and help him raise these kids, but deep down I think he wanted a nanny more than a wife, and I also think deep down he wanted desperately to try and fit in and be "straight" like other men. But, my heart hurts for him, too. I am not staying in the marriage, and I hurt for him because I don't think he will ever accept himself.

Don't have any advice, but would love to hear how some of the women in your lives are doing now and if they have been able to get on with their lives okay.

Thanks,

Lisa

 

Thank you, Lisa. I am not yet a Later-In-Lifer but I really, really wished my GF thought like you, and I wished so much I could show her your post or a book or some resource that outlines how I am making an effort to consider her feelings in my decisions. She is adamant that my lack of faith and true resolve is my main issue, and I feel powerless to stop us from careening into marriage, kids, pets, and destroying it all because I am unwilling to repent from my sin, or that I don't love her because I won't honor her above this.

In Church, I keep being taught how sacred wedding vows are, and how they are pretty much the most serious thing you can be responsible for, yet at the same time how it's not good to 'date' for long because it tempts us into sin. How can I in good conscience ask someone to submit themselves to me completely, and be responsible for their finances, well-being, career loss, and life, when I KNOW there are fundamental issues?

Sorry to hijack; thinking out loud...

 

I'm so glad I found this site & thread! I though my situation was unique. Go figure.

I've been married, mostly contented, if not always happily for 35 years. I truly love my wife and our kids and am grateful for the happiness we do have, but...I just came out to my wife and my Mormon bishop this month. We're still processing what this all means to our relationship after so many years. I think we will stay together because I really do love my wife and family.
Does that make me a coward? I don't think so.
Will that mean I am never entirely true to myself? Probably.
Can I live with that? Probably, but it's hard sometimes.

 

Hi GayLDS, welcome to EC!

I would like to point out that this is considered to be a fairly old thread, in all probability the early participants are no longer actively on the site.

That being said, I want to thank you for sharing this experience with us. You may find other interesting stuff that could help you in the Later in Life section, and yes, we have a few Mormons among us as well.