Am I gay at 37?

Can I ask, what was the reason your relationship with your male partner ended? This is just to bring in context, and have you looked at others the same way? I think the feelings you are experiencing is normal in this situation. Understanding and unpacking these feelings though important and finding the answercan be a bit tricky. How do you geel about men, if I can ask.

We go through this process of self discovery, I went through this and think most of us had those questions at one point in time. Talking and being able to share your thoughts does help.

Now, the answer, probably, or probably not. Ambiguous I know, but the reason is that we all fit somewhere on the scale, and not always at the extremes, hense my questions.

 

Hey welcome to EC. Take a deep breath, I know everything feels crazy right now but it will be ok in time. I know it is hard to believe when these things happen but from what you have said I would say you definitely didn’t dream it. I would say for the moment don’t stress about labels, honestly they are not the most important thing. Are you attracted to her? Well it sounds like if she had been up for taking it further you would too. Is that right? I also think for the moment I wouldn’t worry too much about whether or not she is into girls because right now because of her job that isn’t a possibility. My advice would be to figure out your thoughts and feelings towards her and beyond and the rest will sort itself out.

 

Hi welcome to EC. Sounds a lot like I did when I got here. Scare and confused and then some.I’begun to settle and feel more centered and at home in my body. Even though my brain is all the confusion - it still throws me but we’re getting there. If I can be of help let me know.

 

For what its worth, I didn't come out until 48.

 

Discovering yourself or pieces of yourself is a neverending quest. You can discover a piece of yourself at any age. So you're never too old or young to discover your sexuality. As for why somebody doesn't admit their feelings right off that bat...they could be just getting to know you, scared, or who knows what is going through their minds. Did she like the gift at all? I hope she did...because it sounds like a very sweet gift to give somEbody...especially if it's handmade.

Also...you're never too old to fall for somebody...you can fall for somebody at any age from 13 to 93 and older. So there's no wrong age to fall for somebody or feel attraction. I hope this makes sense. Sorry if it isn't much help. I'm not very experienced in the relationship department because most of my relationships have been toxic...or people who betrayed me...I'm 31 and I'm still learning...so there's that.

 

I would like to come back to your question, "Am I gay at 37", as it seems you have multiple facets whirling around. On the one side, your quest, based on you sharing, you are definitely part of the LGBTQ family, and probably for a long time something to consider.

Then, it seems you fell "hard" for this girl. It is difficult to feel something and it not reciprocated the same way. You may have to consider that something may happen in the future, but for now you need to focus on the here and now and what is good for you.

First step could be accepting who you are, as that acceptance could open a whole new branch of experiences and opportunities you have not explored. This may bring those feelings in perspective and provide that clarity you need and maybe a different outcome.

 

From everything you've said in both this thread and your other one, I think one thing is clear: you aren't straight. Is it possible you're bisexual? Maybe, but I'm seriously doubting it, considering you've never been genuinely attracted to men. Despite having a close and longstanding friendship with your ex, it's clear to me that you never felt anything for him romantically; it was more like you just went through the motions, because it seemed to be what was expected of you.

@silerhalo is right: labels don't matter right now. They're merely a means of communicating to other people who/what you are once you've already worked it out--and not something you absolutely have to subscribe to, regardless of your comfort level with your orientation.

I think it's also pretty clear that you do have feelings for this woman. But whether she feels the same I can't say with any certainty. It seems that way, but without knowing her, the things she says or does, etc. I can only speculate.

Take your time while sorting out your feelings and what they mean, and above all, please be kind to yourself: coming out is a big step, no matter the age, and if anything, the older you are, the more time and compassion you need. You've had longer to build up an impression of who you are, to believe what you wanted others to believe--it's not easy to walk away from it, to change your whole perception of yourself. But above all, know this: regardless of the fact that you're not straight, you're ultimately still the same person--still you. The only thing that has changed is that you now know yourself a little better.

 

it sounds to me that actually you have reached the conclusion yourself that you are at least bi and probably most likely gay. I was very much like you growing up but just minus the pressure from outside to get a boyfriend. I think in other circumstances I could potentially have ended up in a relationship like yours so I totally get it. I was a bit younger than you when I questioned and came to terms with my sexuality but I still had thoughts about how much older I was than the majority of people trying to come out. I definitely felt alone until I joined EC, there are lots of people who have been on here (even if they are no longer active) that have been in similar situations to you so you are most certainly not alone even if that is how it feels sometimes.
I think there is no immediate rush to get over her, it seems that unfortunately for reasons out of your control the relationship with her won’t go any further but ultimately most people do not end up with their catalyst (catalyst is a term sometimes used on here for a person or a moment that makes you question or realise your true sexuality). I think it’s important to explore the feelings in your mind and talk to people about what you are feeling or any questions you have. Everyone here is super friend and almost always open to questions. Or alternatively you could see if you could find an LGBT group near you and try and meet other people that way.

 

I agree with most here who say that you are definitely at least Bi, and very likely favor women a little or a lot, and that's for you to conclude I think. Silverhalo said something very true about most people not ending up in a relationship with their "catalyst." Even though I spent nearly three years messing around with the first girl I liked, the one who made me realize I could fall in love with a girl, we were never a couple.

A couple things you said about this other woman have me questioning some stuff though. First, she claims she can't continue the friendship because of her work? I'm not sure what sort of career could be such an obstacle unless she's a secret agent or something nefarious. I take it she must at least travel a lot or works too far away for you two to carry on an in person friendship? Even then, I have friends overseas, it doesn't stop me from being in contact with them and occasionally even visiting them, so that is very odd to me. Could you elaborate? The reason I'm mentioning this is that on the surface, without knowing more, it sounds like an excuse, and she was able to catch on to your vibe of crushing on her and it made her feel uncomfortable. Also, and not to be overly pessimistic, but so far everything you have described about her interactions with you do not sound like anything more than what I experience often around friends or those I am getting close too as friends. It doesn't mean there may have been more, but if there was, this woman left you without much of a clue.

I think a lot of people get to know themselves more as they age. And it doesn't surprise me at all that at 37 you're realizing some things about you which have been dormant for years. It's an exciting development in your life, and you should see it as that. A new and wonderful chapter. A future filled with opportunities!

 

I don't think you need to be too hard on yourself. Your sexuality is part of you, maybe not the highest priority on your wish list, but its up there. Having these feelings and posting here indicates that it is something that's on your mind, one of those things you would want to work through, get to grips with, find a direction and I see this more of an opportunity.

Yea, life sucks, sometime, but know that you have a safe place you can come too if you need to talk, or just vent. You have someone in your corner and we are routing for you.

Now, it is crappy that you can't pursue this relationship much further without finding yourself or her compromised. Going through this motion though did show something that is happening, yes you are questioning your sexuality, but more importantly you are growing, finding a path that makes you a better version of yourself and just maybe you should take this crush as the catalyst to explore those feelings. Some things just needs a bit of time..

 

No worries, you were straight to the point and explained things very well, even if I'm still confused, but that's not your fault it's my inability to accept certain things in life. Such as, due to certain relationship connections some people can't be free to date, "certain people." Something about that whole concept just seems wrong to me, and yet I guess I can understand on some level. I'm sorry that these barriers exist between you and her. It does sound like you've accepted your orientation but need to look at stabilizing your life before you can do anything about it. I do agree with your priorities. It's difficult to focus on a love life when there are more pressing matters. I know things are hard for you right now, it is, as you say, a life reset, but it will all work out because it sounds as if you are dedicated to make it happen. PS: I can be blunt as times too and I hope I didn't come off that way. I was comparing your interactions with her like I see most female friends interact. A bit touchy, sometimes clingy, and definitely affectionate. With this backstory you've filled in for us, it may very well be she was struggling with her feelings for you, but onward and upward, right? There is someone out there for you, and they won't have all the restrictions and bullshit to adhere too.