Hi. Sorry if this is long but I would really appreciate it if someone could give me some advice. I know I don't need a label now, but I feel like it would help my confidence and in terms of knowing who I am. I'm a girl in high school. I never had any crushes whatsoever on anyone when I was younger. I always assumed I would marry a man because I never really knew anything else was possible. My family is not homophobic but it just never came up. I've been thinking about my sexuality for roughly two years. It's just a question that never completely leaves my mind. For about a year I thought I was asexual. I considered that I might like girls but it wasn't in the front of my mind. But then i switched schools and the first day there was a girl in one of my classes. She was really hot and my eye was just constantly drawn to her. I couldn't look away. I felt a tingling in my chest and I was terrified of the idea of approaching her. After two weeks though, the feeling kind of wore off. A while later, my best friend was over, I've known her my entire life. For some reason I developed a ridiculously intense yet short lived crush on her. No matter how close we were, I wanted to be closer. We spent most of the time holding hands and/or hugging. Being with her felt like magic. I couldn't look away from her eyes and lips and all I wanted was to kiss her. We didn't end up kissing. My crush on her only lasted that day though. Ever since then I've been wondering if I'm a lesbian. I never really understood when my friends talked about how guys were hot, or all the craze around boy bands. If I obsess about a celebrity or tv character, they're usually women. but now that I'm questioning myself i ask myself if I'm attracted to everyone i see. It's usually only girls who I experience that immediate "oh they're so hot" gut reaction, but I think some guys are attractive. I feel like I notice girls more in general, but if my gaze remains on a guys for longer than a second I start worrying that I'm attracted to them. I think women in general are beautiful but guys are at most ok. I go through cycles of thinking I am gay, and being sure of it for a day, then doubting myself for a few weeks again. I can't really see myself with a guy but it doesn't immediately turn me off of it, it just feels weird and awkward to think of. What if i realize that I was completely wrong about my sexuality? I find myself googling, looking for confirmation that I'm gay, but I just keep doubting myself. My crushes were both short lived, so does that mean they aren't legitimate? I'm just really nervous that I do like guys and maybe I'm convincing myself that I'm a lesbian, because i feel like i want to be one.
I can relate to much of what you said. I questioned myself for more than six months before accepting completely the fact that I'm a lesbian, and during this time I kept looking at people, every single girl, in an attempt to see if I was really attracted to girls. It was extremely stressful and exhausting, and eventually I figured that there was no point in it. Even if I'm a lesbian, in fact, it doesn't mean that I'm attracted to every single girl. It looks like you're overthinking it. I know you wanna know your sexuality, but you just need to let yourself go without thinking about it for a while. In the end you will know
I can't tell you if you're a lesbian, but I'd say continue to pay attention to what you're naturally attracted to without shutting your emotions down/off. Allow yourself to stay in the moment and feel whatever you feel. It'll help to clue you in.
I relate to what you just said so much. I am in the exact same boat as you. What I have come to accept is that you don't need to know right now. If you feel more attracted to girls and want to be a lesbian, then it sounds like you are gay. Unfortunately though, nobody can tell you who you are except you.
I can so relate to the "day long crush" thing. Honestly, the best advice I could give is DON'T FIGHT ANY FEELINGS EVER. Pay attention to what feels natural and you're sure to find yourself. Good luck!
