Always Giving

A bit late to reply, but glad it seems that he is responding to you opening up about it all. Go giving it a shot!

Replying to a couple of things that caught my eye.

Yeah, this is where the codependcy thing can be a good and bad thing. Its good because gay mentorship is so imperative. The things I have learned from older gay guys have been imperative to my growth as a person. This to me is great, but for this to really work here are some suggestions for you so you can keep some boundaries so you don't completely take over.

1) Mentorship is crucial and getting an extra push is great. The thing to keep in mind though is that you have to help him in a way that he doesn't have to rely on you for anything other than advice at a later date. This is the whole teach someone how to fish thing instead of providing the fish. Okay enough metaphor here.

There is a difference between being a mentor and taking care of someone. Mostly the energy for improving has to come from the mentee. He is the one that is suppose to come to you with potential solutions and dreams, and you are only suppose to help him get there. But it needs to be his own dream and hopes. It has to be his own vision, which doesn't sound like it from what you are saying.

2) Create an exist plan for him. If he wanted to stop sleeping with you, can he ask for that while knowing full well that all the doors you are opening wouldn't stop? You might know it, but does he? You have to sate it plainly. It will protect you both from toxic shit that can come along in these type of relationships.

3) The power that you have means something. You have wealth, strong social networks and stability that no one can take away. Keep that in mind as you treat this relationship because none of that is a thing that this guy (based on your posts) has. You are his only tie to all of this it seems. In order to help him, you have to get him to have those things himself. Its the only way he doesn't have to rely on you. This is one of the reasons why romantic relationships with younger guys is filled with red flags. The power dynamic is a real tangible thing. Friend with benefits is a bit easier to manage.

 

Do you think there is a trigger that would cause you to slip back into caretaker mode?

 

There are different dynamics at play here. One dynamic is your attraction to younger guys. The other dynamic is your desire to have a mutually balanced relationship while not being an enabler. They are related in certain respects but also unique to one another. And sometimes they play agains each other.

Others have already pointed out how self esteem plays a role into care giving tendencies and I agree self esteem and self respect are fundamental to the questions your asking. Adding to what others have said, I would suggest you work to identify what is causing the self respect issues to begin with. From a layman perspective, I do believe that you can rise above your giving approach to relationships so your own needs can be met but only if you do some hard work and get to the root cause of your diminished self esteem and self respect. Of course I am assuming you already have accepted the notion that diminished esteem and self respect are at play. If you have not yet accept that, then there might be more work to be done.

Of course identifying the cause is not straight forward, requires a lot of hard work and is not necessarily readily evident. I also do not believe there is a consistent path that we can each take to figure it out. Each person will need to take their own path towards figuring it out.

I do think the good news is you have realized you have your own needs and those needs have to be attended to. That will be motivating as you try and put the pieces together.

From my personal standpoint, I had to go a long way back to understand my own enabling tendencies. Some of it I was able to recognize on my own, some of it required the guidance of a thoughtful and experienced professional. I had to open myself up to address a lot of shame that I initially did not know even existed; nor did I want to deal with it once I had the shame identified. I had to put my ego aside and follow my emotions wherever they took me.

My current boyfriend and I are twenty years apart. I do enjoy being a supportive figure for him. But at the same time I do demand reciprocity from my boyfriend to ensure my emotional, intellectual and physical needs are all met consistently with his needs. We appreciate the need to ensure we are maintaining a properly balanced financial dynamic between us as well; although this is sometimes easier said than done given the different career stages we are in and requires honest and continued attention from the both of us. I do believe taken as a whole we have established the right foundation for a true partnership towards our relationship, albeit one that needs constant attention as any relationship would. Of course I have learned quite a bit in comparison to prior relationships I have been in, have also learned a lot about myself, and while there are some areas where I will continue to be an enabler they are far and few when put into context of the broader relationship taken as a whole.

It probably goes without saying that your in an even more complicated situation given your need to work around your existing relationship. But that is just one additional dynamic you need to throw in the mix as you try and get to the bottom of things.

 

Nickw, I could have written these same exact lines myself after I embraced my sexuality. In fact, I think if I go back and look at some of my early threads, I probably did. I channeled all of my emotional energy away from my own truth and into my career; and for 25 years it worked. I projected an image that I wanted everyone to see rather than projecting the person I am. There was a lot of shame I needed to sort through as a result.[/user]

 

Nick, so glad you said this out loud.
If part of your mentoring him is also mentoring yourself on the overlapping issues, that is great!

 

Being with others that can relate certainly would help you progress on your journey, st least that was my experience. At some point, you may find that need dissolve.

 

It doesn't take very long to figure out who the "takers" are. Stay away.

I've also seen that there are people that seem to want to help too much from the time you meet them. When I was more naive, I thought that was a good quality. Later, I found it weird and excessive. Now, I've seen that those who give way too much or want to help too much from the very beginning are harboring other issues and it is manifested in other ways. In bad ways. It's always different.

Extremes in taking and giving can point to some type of toxicity. I don't know which is worse.