Allow me to Introduce Myself

Jamez.....Hello and a great big LGBTQIA+ welcome to Empty Closets! I can remember the first post that I made on EC. I was desperate for help and I got the help that night that I so needed. I hope that we can help you in the same way that I received help. The most important thing to remember about Empty Closets is that we do care about you! We're very glad that you found us here on EC and hope that we can answer questions, give you support and provide a place to vent (as long as it's not violent!) when that becomes necessary!

*****There are 18 different sub-forums here that you can check out and join in the conversations or start your own thread/conversation. When I first joined Empty Closets I was in need of a lot of support and encouragement and I found it here…EC is a safe place. I hope that you'll find good things here too! Folks here will talk to you and share...you don't have to be afraid of asking questions...we're glad to have you! Empty Closets is all about making connections and giving LGBT folks a voice when they otherwise don't have one in their day-to-day lives. In particular you may want to check out the forums that are titled "Sexual Orientation” and "LGBT Later in Life", there are people there who may have dealt with some of the same kind of issues that could be challenging you. It's interesting that your father is gay as that has some similarity with my family. My middle son came out to me a while ago as pan sexual. When he finished explaining to me what that meant, thinking that I would not have any idea about it, I came out to him as gay! It was quite a shock to him! My story is long and complicated, but I came out here on Empty Closets in 2014. I came out to my wife in 2016 and we have chosen to stay together. My family is more important to me than a boyfriend or hookups. I have decided not to come out to my three sons unless there is a good reason, so at this time I have come out to my oldest and middle sons. I think that I am closer to my middle son now than I was prior to our coming out to each other. He has always been the one that is the most like me and now there is another reason!

Some info on how to navigate EC:
When you have made at least 10 posts on various threads you will be able to post messages on a member's Profile Page. Just click on a member's Avatar Picture and then click on "Profile Page" in the dialogue box that pops up. You'll then be on their Profile Page and there will be a box that says: "Write Something" When you have been on EC for a few weeks and have made at least 50 posts on various forums, you can apply for Full Membership. A Full Member can send Private Messages (PM) to other Full Members and share personal contact info. Right now you can only send a PM to a Staff Member as that is always possible. Here is a quote from the Full Membership information forum:

*****To be eligible you must be a member of Empty Closets for a minimum of two weeks, and have a minimum of 50 posts. These posts must be across numerous forums (Fun & Games does not contribute to post count), and consistently posted across a minimum of two weeks. You wouldn't be eligible, for example, if you registered, had no activity for two weeks, and then returned to post 50 times on your 14th day of membership.

*****Well, as I said, we're very glad you found us! If you have any questions at all, you can always send me a Private Message.

.....David

 

James.....Coming out later in life can be really difficult. There are quite a few of us here on Empty Closets who hid our sexuality from a young age due to pressure from society, family, friends, etc.. Then we did what we were expected to do and found a woman that we thought we could live with, got married, managed to have children - even though to be honest, sometimes our thoughts during intimacy were about guys. We love our kids...of course we do! But that doesn't change the fact that deep down inside, the life we are living is not what we really want...it's what we feel that we've had to do to survive. Because of all of this, the "hole" that we have dug ourselves into has gotten deeper and deeper as the years have gone by. Depression, self-hate and guilt become a part of our everyday life and we see no way to get out of that "hole". I know that I had reached a place where I just could not fake being straight to the whole world any longer while at the same time the price of coming out and destroying my loving, church-going Christian family was just too high.
So like too many others, I decided to take my own life...which of course is not a solution, just another complete disaster for a family. I was so fortunate that on the night of my "final crisis" I made my first post here on Empty Closets, coming out as gay and begging for help. I got the help I needed that night and so did not take the entire bottle of pain pills setting in front of me. The wonderful people here on EC helped me through those first difficult days and weeks and I gradually came to understand that I did not have to live a "black or white" life. I slowly realized that I did not have to come out to the whole world and that everybody did not have to know that I was gay. I understand that everybody's situation is different and I don't know what your situation is. I have three grown sons and grandchildren. I decided that I would come out to my sons if it became necessary. It has turned out that I've come out to my two oldest sons so far. My oldest son was very difficult as he is a minister, but his acceptance of me has made me so very proud of him. He only wanted to know if I had ever broken my marriage vow to his mother and as I have not there was no problem. I have made it clear to him and his brother that my family is more important to me than a hookup or a boyfriend. My wife has been accepting also. We have built a life and a family together and so have chosen to stay together. Coming out to my middle son was interesting. Several months ago he stumblingly came out to me as pansexual, not know that I was gay. He took some time to explain what that meant to me, thinking I didn't have a clue! When he finished, I came out to him and we had quite a little party!

I know that what has worked for me may not work for others...may not work for you. I have been able to choose to basically become celibate as far as being intimate with my wife. I consider myself to be what I call unisexual and that works for me. Just because I'm a little older doesn't mean I don't have a sex drive, but I have been able to deal with it this way. It's not fair to expect others to live the way I do and that will affect the way their relationship with their spouse will end up. One of the very most important things that I did was to find a therapist that listed working with the LGBTQ Community as part of their practice. That has undoubtedly been a very, very important part of my learning to live my "new" life. He has helped so very much, it's hard to express just how much he has helped me. I was fortunate in that my therapist is also gay. I don't think a therapist has to be gay to help in a LGBTQ situation, but because mine is gay he understands so much of what I have gone through, having gone through it himself. If you haven't found a LGBTQ qualified therapist, I would highly suggest that you consider it. I think a therapist would be a big help to you in handleing how you deal with your sons and their reaction to your coming out. OK, i have rambled enough. I hope that anything I've said will help...I know that you are in a difficult situation. Please remember...you are a part of our LGBTQ Family and we do care!
.....David