Hi everyone - I found EC almost 2 years ago when I wrestled with the prospect of coming out as gay to my wife, to whom I've been married for 27 years. We have 3 kids ranging from teens to mid twenties. I really didn't take full advantage of the great forum here during that initial time, but I'm asking you all for help again. So, I came out to my wife and kids about 18 months ago. Initially, she was very supportive and suspected that I was gay for a long time. But, over the months after that, I didn't handle all the emotions, feeling, etc very well. I became obsessed with the online dating apps and all that came with it. It was full of extreme highs and extreme lows. And after my wife agreed to allow me to "explore" these newfound revelations, I came to realize later than she and I had different definitions of what "explore" meant. Although there were only a few encounters with men, I actually rationalized in my head that these encounters weren't "cheating" because, well, I'm gay; how can this be "cheating" on my wife? I also fell victim to a scammer who got me to believe that he was in love with me, and subsequently convinced me to give him money. I would have never in a million years thought that I could have fell into a trap like that, but...I did. My wife found out about the money that went missing, and then any trust and support I received from her was gone. There was nothing but anger, resentment, and shame. My wife and I have a host of marital problems. There is a lot of resentment from her and from me on various things. Despite the many mistakes I've made in our marriage before and after coming out (my past alcohol problem was also a big problem for her and for the kids, which I was oblivious to), I do not want to stay in the marriage. I want to attempt to find myself as a gay man and have some truly happy experiences and relationships that I've been denied because I never had the courage to come out. Now for my questions: I can't seem to make the leap to tell her I want a divorce. I feel like I'll instantly become the villian because of everything I did last year. Am I being selfish? Am I just another jerk husband who couldn't control his urges and now wants out of a 27 year marriage? I don't want my kids to hate me, but they don't know about the encounters with guys and the money I lost. Once I tell my wife I want a divorce, I think she will tell them what happened. In short, I did everything wrong last year after I came out. (Although my therapist disagrees). And now, my life isn't really any different than it was 18 months ago. How can I get over this hump? Thanks so much for reading.
It sounds like you need to make that leap from what you have said. You don't sound particularly happy... Being in this relationship doesn't sound healthy. I'm not sure why your wife would tell the kids anything as that is not nice and says a lot about her character. Another reason to take that leap. If you feel your kids are old enough and would understand - you have the choice to tell them anything you feel necessary. Don't feel pressured and dont feel guilty either. Life is hard enough when going through challenging times... Self blame, shame and guilt go hand in hand. Be kind to yourself. Come up with a plan for your future happiness. Take the leap you feel is best.
Hi CatsandDogs. There are elements in your post that sound very familiar to me. Would you be relieved if your wife initiated a divorce? You are concerned about becoming the villian and presumably this mostly relates to your children if your wife makes full disclosure to them. That doesn't seem a healthy reason to stay in a marriage that you otherwise wish to leave. It is possible that your wife may choose not to share with the children or they may choose not to judge you as a villain. There are likely other reasons holding you back also and it might help to try to list what these might be - some will be valid and some not and should be discounted. Hopefully you will find clarity on what is the right path for you to move forward from here
