I’ve always wanted to work in video games, but never had the confidence to pursue it. That’s starting to change, and I’ll soon be attending a conference on video games and education held at a university. It’s my first time interacting with people in the field in person. I am still in man-mode, but want to introduce myself using “they/them” pronouns should the opportunity arise. This would be my first time doing so. Pros: It’s a very safe, LGBTQ friendly and representative space. It will be entirely people I have not met, so it’s a chance to try it out away from my existing circle. Cons: Making a career change is intimidating, I don’t know if I’m up for making a public gender identity change simultaneously. If all goes well, I may meet people who I could develop professional or social relationships with. That would mean meeting the other people in my life, and then I’d have some pronoun resolving to do. I’m leaning toward keeping my life simple making my pronoun change at the right time (I’ll know when it’s here) and to the right pronoun, which is she. I’d just be using “they” as a half measure. Thoughts?
I'd say it depends how dysphoric you feel using 'he/him' and presenting as male. Is it something that feels absolutely grating at the moment, or something you feel you could continue with some period of time? I'm probably in a minority here in that I feel like pronouns are a bit of a red herring and undue emphasis is placed upon them (when societal transphobia and the appalling state of trans healthcare are far more worthy targets for our ire). Unless you're being written about, it's pretty rare to hear yourself being addressed in the third person - if you're in the same room people will automatically use 'you' or say your name. That's my tuppence' worth, anyway. Beth x
staticinmyattic.....I don't think it really makes that much difference as people are changing their pronouns now more often. If it's going to add a level of complication when you may already be nervous, then it might be simpler to just stay with what you have been using. In the end it's your call! .....David
I decided to keep an already complicated situation simple. It was the right choice, I was barely able to handle it as it was. On the 1st day, I was in a breakout group and accidentally misgendered one of the most impressive human beings I’ve ever met. They go by they, I said she. A very helpful, dare I say heroic, young man loudly and forcefully corrected my error in front of the group. The good news is that I crawled so deep in my shell that I found a back room in there I didn’t even know about!
Static.....Sorry that happened to you! Also, the person who corrected you would have done better had they just made a simple statement "They go by they" instead of being so loud. It likely embarrassed the other person as well as you. Sometimes we just don't know a person's pronouns and need to ask. Unfortunately sometimes even asking can cause a little embarrassment! But a little embarrassment when trying to be polite isn't a big deal! .....David
I have to go easy on the guy. We ended up talking and exchanging information. It was easy to give him the benefit of the doubt in hindsight. I make a point of never assuming, but he may have been on the autism spectrum, which would explain his approach to an already challenging and sensitive social situation. I’m sure the person we referred to was embarrassed too. I’m being less hard on myself too. I thought that they (the speaker) may have been put off, but we had a couple of good discussions later. I need to remember that a lot of my internal experience is invisible. Just because I’m having an anxiety attack doesn’t mean that I look it. I’ve been in touch with some people from the event since, and my excitement is lit up again. I’m signing up for events, taking online courses, maintaining correspondence with professionals, reading constantly, and hacking away at a few personal projects. I’m sick of living a placeholder life, a fill-in for the mythical time of “maybe someday.” The weird, adorable, feminine kid that I was wanted to create with video games before she had the “she” beaten out of her. That passion and inspiration got filed away along with everything else that made me myself, gender identity included. The feeling of being myself is coming back, the spark is there again. I needed to come out to myself to feel it. Only now I’m an adult, with a mature brain, degrees, and loads of practical experience. I came out to myself and my wife, I had the hardest year of my life, and now I’m applying myself hard to all the dreams that I thought I didn’t deserve. Get busy living or get busy dying, and I’ve been trying to die for for 30 years now. Clearly I suck at it and have no choice left but to live the shit out of my life.
Static.....It sounds to me like you've turned a corner for the best! It's good to hear that you see good things in your future. I'm happy for you...keep at it! .....David
If you know it’s an LGBT safe space, it might be easier to go by she/her rather than “coming out twice” using different pronouns. It’ll probably be easier for your colleagues as well to refer to you using your correct pronouns if you don’t update your pronouns in the future, as scary as it may seem now. You can always take it slowly and tell management first or your supervisor and go from there. It doesn’t have to be a huge announcement to everyone at once. In my case, I started a new job with my preferred name and pronouns and everyone has been very respectful. However, I don’t know if many of them know I’m trans (I try to be stealth), but it’s been fine for me. The only people I had to out myself to was management and my supervisor, everyone else assumes I’m a cis man. Good luck!
