Hi y'all So .. I received my T in the mail yesterday, I'm incredibly excited to start. I messaged my endo to make the appointment for the first shot and I'm waiting for him to respond. Dad isn't very on board with me starting T. He's confused, he's angry (at something, I don't know at what exactly), he's saddened. He might come to understand it one day, though, I'm optimistic. He doesn't pose an obstacle in me starting T, and I'm safe, but it's a hard subject to breach with him and there's a palpable tension between us. Now, onto the actual problem. I would've gone on to start T with no issues, but 2 days after I told him I'd received my prescription, some severe health issues arose with his mom (she's still alive, but not well), and long story short we're all trying to figure out what to do moving forward, for dad's parents. Dad is stressed, it's taken its toll on him, obviously, and we're trying to be there for him as much as we can. It's not a good situation and it hurts my heart seeing him in crisis. Now, I don't know if I should postpone starting T for his sake. Maybe it'll give him more time to find some sort of stability, but honestly I'm scared things will just get worse and it will never be a good time to start HRT for him. I'm not sure if I should be selfish or considerate, but I'm not sure how far my consideration will get us either. I would've asked my sister, but I'm sure she'll tell me to postpone for him, because she always puts others first. My mom hasn't suggested it; even after I told her that my T arrived, she just asked me if I was sure, so I'm taking it she doesn't think it'll be that big of a deal for dad??? I don't know, but I'm scared to ask her about it and risk opening a Pandora's box. And I'm scared to ask dad directly because I don't know how to speak with him; I don't think he knows how to speak with me either. I don't want to postpone it. I feel a bit lost tbh. With all this family stuff, transitioning, university; everything is intertwined and my head is a mess. I doubt my endo will respond to me unless I pester him again. I think I'll wait until my therapy session on Friday to talk things through and make a decision, but I would greatly appreciate your input. Cheers
It's important to consider your own well-being and needs, but it's also understandable that you care about your dad's situation. Ultimately, the decision to start T is a personal one, and it should be based on what you feel is right for your own health and happiness. You can certainly try to have an open and empathetic conversation with your dad to explain your feelings and reassure him that you still care about his situation, even if you move forward with your transition.
Absolutely not, I'd say. Why should you postpone something you're looking forward to just because he is going through a tough time? You are an adult with your own life - you and your father are not joined at the hip. I'm going to be blunt here..whilst it's sad his mother/your grandmother isn't well, it's not completely unexpected for an elderly relative. Parents grow old. They die. But life goes on. As it must. But it's great news you're on the verge of starting. I'm very excited for you! Hugs, Beth x
redstatic.....Absolutely be there for your dad. Support him and help in any way that you can with your grandmother. However, those things really have nothing at all to do with you starting T. You can't put your life on hold for others, even if they are family. There will always be something going on and if you start waiting because of this, what will be next? Be there for them, but also be there for yourself and start T! .....David
Thank you all, your responses made me feel less selfish for wanting to start, especially the bluntness. I will still wait for my therapy session tomorrow to talk things through (more to sort things out in my own head and learning to handle my transition in this situation), so I will postpone pestering my doctor until tomorrow at noon or next Monday - for my own sake. I want to go in with a clear head. I feel like a mess haha
I don't think being on T will make you less able to help with your family, so I don't see a reason why you should postpone it.
I admire how considerate and supportive you are for your dad. He is lucky to have a son who cherishes him so much. I understand theoretically by postponing your T medication, that your dad may be in a better place to process, understand, accept, and ultimately approve of your transition. However, I think putting your medication on hold will only make him more confused and cause the tension to become more irregular. Especially with emotions being high and all over the place with a family member in critical condition. It will in fact have the opposite effect that you intended. Postponing the medication will add to his emotional weight instead of subtracting from it. He's not going to shelf his feelings about your transition just because you wait. It may be out of sight but still very much on his mind. He'll be busy thinking about you and your grandmother at the same time. So start the medication and make it a done deal. Take it off his plate of worries. Putting everything on hold will not make his feelings go on hold too. It will draw out his feelings even more and make him more confused, when he's not in the best place right now to process them. Additionally, (by playing devil's advocate for a moment), your dad could see this as a foothold to convince you to stop transitioning. Or look for more instances to bargain with you to put off your T medication. I'm not saying your dad would do that or he is that kind of guy. I'm just throwing it out there as a word of caution. Lastly as everyone else said your transition journey is about you and no one else. They can join in and support you, but can't make decisions for you. Sometimes words and discussion won't be enough. Only your actions will change their minds.
This message convinced me not to postpone my transition, and I set myself to call the endo tomorrow morning. However. Because of grandma's dire health situation, I was now informed that grandpa will come live with us for a while because he can't fully take care of himself. So I'm stumped again. Honestly, I was expecting this to happen, but I refused to think about it too much. I'm wondering now if I should postpone it because of that, but I think I'm just too anxious and stressed because of this whole situation and I'm trying to make sense of it all. Obviously I'm not out to any of my grandparents. Didn't plan on formally coming out to them ever. But I would've reached a point where they would've seen the changes anyway, so I suppose it doesn't even make sense to wait. Plus, it'll be a few months until the changes will be visible to others and hopefully we'll have found an alternative for their housing until then. Idk I'm overwhelmed and all over the place, I feel like starting T right this moment is going to be too much for me, while at the same time I feel like time is going in slow motion because I know my unopened vials are waiting in my drawer. I've been down all day thinking I might have to postpone, I've been stressed at the thought of starting. It feels like this week will never end.
Having a full house with more eyes on you does seem daunting for sure. But, there may never be an ideal time to transition or to start your medication. Life can be unfair like that. I have many personal challenges myself that present horrible timing or unideal solutions. It's not always great, but I strive to make it the best that I can. As I have learned recently, life is too short to get stuck. Waiting and relying on things to pan out is leaving it up to luck. Now I try to build my own future and it is still very challenging, but I'm at least moving forward. So I think you're just overthinking things and you'll be fine. You got this and you have already come so far. That is nothing to scoff at. We are all proud of you here at EC. My grandparents and extended family use to talk sh** to me all the time because I tend to be more feminine, and they don't like all the decisions that I have made. But I stood my ground and talked sh** right back and put an end to it. I wasn't ugly about it but I was dead serious. They may not agree with me but they respect my confidence and convictions. There is a difference between respect and love. People usually have to respect you first before they love you. It really sucks, but it's true. Just imagine how funny it would be to banter with your grandpa. " well grandpa I don't see that many men around here stepping up to help you out. I guess I'll have to, and you're stuck with me." " I hope I don't turn out like a bitter old man like you when I get old." " Sorry grandpa I don't have time to debate with you today. I have to hurry up and help you so I can get to the gym and get those gains."
You're painting a much more optimistic future than I can muster, so thanks, it really helps in this state that I'm in. I was actually thinking if I could just gaslight him into thinking I've always been his nephew, since he already has some memory loss issues, but I wonder about the morality of that I'll try to make the best out of this situation. I won't put myself into the closet again, it'd be like kicking over what I've been building towards.
That made me laugh! "Those gains aren't going to go get themselves you know." OP - do you think there might be an element of you subconsciously looking for an excuse not to start, because it's a big change and you're worried about it? Or is this not a factor at all?
I thought about it, and I think it could be in a way. Moreso because there's so much other stuff going on in my life (family, academics) that stress me out and having one more thing on my plate feels overwhelming. But I've been preparing for this for months in therapy, and I feel prepared to start T now that I've given everything else some thought and realised that my anxieties might not be very rational. I'll get on T. My dad can handle it, we've talked about it before, he knows what's coming, even though he has a lot of things on his plate. All of my grandparents would've found out anyway. This grandparent specifically won't stay with us long enough to notice anything substantial, and even then my parents will take my side if he makes any hateful comments, although it's more likely he will just ignore the changes forever (as I've heard was the case for other trans people I talked to). I will be fine, and I'll be starting T. I'll call my endo tomorrow at noon, after my therapy appointment.
I have my first T shot on Tuesday, and my therapist also convinced me to give the local LGBT support group a go, since I lack a support system irl, so I signed up via online form and we'll see how it pans out Thank you all for your support, I'll keep you updated
redstatic.....Good for you! I think you have made the right choices and that things will just get better from here on out. It won't happen overnight and there will most likely be ups and downs, but you are on the right track! .....David
It is done, friends. I am officially on testosterone, as of 6 hours ago. I had a ton of anxiety going in, but thankfully my friend was there for me the entire time. To be honest, it all felt pretty anticlimactic, there was a lot of emotional build up to it, and it was just....an injection, and life goes on ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ things will be different from now on, of course, but it wasn't the earth-shattering experience I thought of it. I went in heavy with worry and anxieties, and I came out much lighter. Content. I feel ready to tackle whatever is to come, even if all of my anxieties prove to be true. It was also very affirming. I was scared I would feel like less of a man for having to have hormones injected, but I came out feeling more like one than ever. Anyway.. Thank you all for being here with me on this long journey. You are all amazing people and I'm very happy to have found this place as a teenager, and now as a young adult. Cheers
Some context before I offer up family advice: I'm estranged from my bio-fam. I'm not an expert on the right way to do things, but I am an expert on the wrong way to do things, which is worth something too. No one can truly be responsible for another person's emotions. My bro, mom, and dad were (and I assume are) very damaged people in their own very unique ways, and I fell into the role of the family sufferer by proxy. Rather than taking care of myself, I identified which family member was in the most pain and made them the main character of my internal life. I got plenty of positive feedback for doing this because it made my suffering family members feel seen, but it didn't help their problems or allow me to develop in a healthy way. I was thinking about the oxygen mask metaphor. In an emergency on a plane, everyone is supposed to get their own oxygen mask on first, then assist others. No one makes a worse support for someone else than someone who is ignoring their own needs. You and your family are certainly in an emergency, and the oxygen masks are out. Your dad does need your help, but if you ignore your own needs for his sake, you'll be of no help to him or yourself. Put on your own oxygen mask first. Please forgive me if I assume to much, but it sounds like your metaphorical oxygen mask comes in pill form.
redstatic.....I usually share my favorite trans youtubers with trans EC members but I don't know if I've ever done that with you. So here goes... I'm sure that you have watched trans youtubers...but just in case, here are some favorites of mine that you might like: FtM: Alex Bertie, Jammidodger, Noah Finnce, Luke Wale, Sam Collins, Ty Turner, Dakota Aspen. Alex Bertie has logged his path from before he even started anything until full transition. He calls it his "Quest for a Beard!" He even wrote a book about it (I have a copy!) It really does show the ups and downs, especially the moment when his father finally called him "SON!" If you haven't checked some of those out - you might want to! I know that transition can be a long trip and listening to some people who have made that trip can be encouraging. Remember that we are here for you whenever you need us! .....David
