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Advice please re my 14 year old son

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by Someones Mum, Aug 27, 2013.

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  1. GirlWhoWaited

    GirlWhoWaited
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    Thanks for being you. So many people spend years in terror of what their moms will think about their sexuality. The fact that your son felt like he could tell you so early is awesome. Generally speaking, the important bullet points are these (in my humble, unprofessional opinion)
    -Be honest
    -Be positive (about his orientation, not "Yay, porn!" or anything :wink: )
    -Be loving
    -Be an active listener
    You're already showing that you can do these things, so you should have few problems. And another thing. Thanks for loving the son you were given, rather than one you made up. You're a fantastic person for caring this much. :slight_smile:
     
    #21 GirlWhoWaited, Aug 27, 2013
  2. DesertTortoise

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    You are a wonderful Mom! Just listen.. Just listen. and let him know you need to learn too. Be an ear for him as he discovers his sexuality. That you don't have answers (how could you?)... want to learn how this this works out.
    You are an awesome Mom... you have no idea, how awesome... and how perfectly natural and motherly. You have a very lucky son. and you are a lucky mother, that he trusts on such an intimate and delicate matter. I wish you both well in your respective live journeys.
     
    #22 DesertTortoise, Aug 27, 2013
  3. Someones Mum

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    Bear101- "I would also try to separate the issue of being gay and the issue of sexual addiction. He may be feeling guilty over the fact that he's looking at gay porn rather than the fact that he's looking at porn"
    A really good point. Thank you.

    Pat- When you were talking about showing him this site and said "hopefully some newer friends that may be going through the same thing will help him cope with his teenage years."
    I think that's really valid. This site could be ideal for allowing him to talk with people his own age.


    GirlWhoWaited - I just read "Thanks for loving the son you were given, rather than one you made up".
    That was a very moving sentance and I've just been sitting here in floods of tears. You are right. I had an image in my head, without even knowing I had, of how my son's future would be. That's all changed now. It almost feels like a bereavement, which is an awful thing to say but in all honesty it does. I still need to get my head around what it all means for him. I spent 14 years with one image of him and have only had 2 days with the other. He was very wise telling me when he was away for a few days as I have some time to think, and talk with people on here and just to get used to things a bit before he comes back home. I love him to pieces. I am so thankful that he trusts me and loves me enough to be able to tell me. I am so proud of him and everything about him. This one thing about him I wasn't aware of makes absolutely no difference to that. Hopefully he already knows that but if he is unsure when he comes home he will be able to see that is true.


    Thank you to everyone who has said such lovely supportive things to me. It really is touching that so many people care.
     
    #23 Someones Mum, Aug 28, 2013
  4. bingostring

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    I have read this thread a few times the past few days. Can't express how impressed I am with you ... and your son.

    I won't repeat the good advice above. Hope it goes well when he returns at the week end.

    He is probably really scared. A few "I love you" texts the next few days would reassure him...

    And I love YOU!

    :kiss:
     
    #24 bingostring, Aug 28, 2013
  5. Chip

    Chip
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    It *is* a bereavement. It's the loss of the perception you had about who your son is, and what his future will look like. And I think I mentioned the 5 stages of loss in my post before (denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance). They aren't completely linear, but those 5 stages, and in particular, the grieving is, both for the parent of a gay child and for the child him or herself, an important part of processing and accepting what is, and normal, and nothing to be ashamed of.

    Another thought: Just as you had perceptions of what your son's life might look like, you probably also have some perceptions of what his life might look like now. I think it's important to realize that, for those of us who are parents (or are old enough to be parents)... what our kids (or our friends' kids) will grow up and experience will be pretty different than what our adult gay friends may have experienced.

    In 2013, we live in a time where some of the most powerful and influential people in the world (Tim Cook, CEO of Apple; David Geffen, president of Geffen Records; scores of others) are gay. And gay marriage is now legal in something like 10 states, and is recognized by the Federal government. The majority of large corporations recognize gay spouses and provide spousal benefits to them. We have two of the gayest shows ever on TV: Glee and The New Normal, both projecting the values to everyone who watches that being gay is normal and natural.

    The point is, while there's still homophobia in the world, a bunch of right wing religious bigots, and kids in school who bully people for being gay, tall, short, fat, skinny, and so forth... we've never been at a place before where there's such widespread acceptance of LGBT people. Your son will grow up in a world where he'll see very few, if any, doors that aren't open to him, where he'll experience a lot less social stigma than people of his parents' generation did, and where his life can realistically look no different than his life might have looked before... except, as one of our staff says, that, when it comes to the wife, 2.3 kids, and house with white picket fence... your son's wife will have a penis :slight_smile:
     
    #25 Chip, Aug 28, 2013
  6. Carpe Noctem

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    Can I call you mom?
     
    #26 Carpe Noctem, Aug 28, 2013
  7. Someones Mum

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    Just an update for those who read this thread earlier. I have now spoken with my son and :icon_bigg. Thank you to everyone who wrote on here, it really did help me get my head sorted.

    I'm now going to bow out of this thread as I have shown my son this site and from hereon in it's up to him what he chooses to talk about. There's no need to have this thread deleted as he is cool about it.

    Thank you once again. This is a brilliant site and was there just when I needed it.
     
    #27 Someones Mum, Sep 1, 2013
  8. Annon

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    I haven't read all of the comments so if this has already been said, sorry.
    I came out 1 year ago when I was 15. My mum did the same thing as you and found this forum.
    She told me about it. Within a day, I was on here posting and the community helped me come out to everyone. I asked my mum never to come on this site again, because if im posting on here, i am not comfortable to talk to her about it. She assures me she's never come on here. She was just supportive. Didn't really say much, and stayed very open minded. Thats all she could do really. She said I didn't have to tell my dad and other people incase they respond badly. But it all ended up fine. 9 months later I was out to everyone.
    I dont think it would have been so simple if I didnt have access to this site.
    If you are going to follow this advice, I understand how hard the temptation would be to look at what he's posting on here, but I think let him have anonymous conversations with all of us here.
    Just recommend it, dont force him. We are all here to help.
    He is probably terrified about the whole thing, it took me ages to be able to say I'm bi/gay out loud and it not sound strange.

    Good luck with your son, I hope it all goes well.

    And Congrats to him for coming out!!!!
     
    #28 Annon, Sep 1, 2013
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