Advice over Sex Change Op for Cousin

It sounds like you see your cousin as a gay guy that wants to be a girl OP, but gay people don't want to be the opposite gender, your cousin is trans.

I wish I could help you more here but that's about as far as my advice goes in this situation.

 

I understand that completely. I know we get an image of a sex change from T.V. that is insanely scary too. Sometimes in movies, it's like, someone goes away for a weekend wearing blue and comes back wearing pink

I really think that's part of why hormones are a huge part of all this. Partly, it's because they do most of the "heavy lifting". But partly, all the mental health effects happen almost right away and they take years to work on the body. Like the easiest and most obvious thing, my libido became a lot more feminine - not "always on" but more intense when it is - within like 2 weeks. I used to say "crashed", just because I was kind of glad to be rid of a lot of the intense feelings, but that's not quite the right word, it's just different now.

But anyway, there are a lot of sex differences that you can definitely feel, long before any permanent changes happen. You know pretty fast which hormones are right for you. And for me, I can't begin to describe how wonderful it is to finally be rid of the wrong ones.

The surgery is kind of a minor thing for me honestly. I mean not going to lie, that part of me really really sucks having. But I have practical reasons for getting rid of it. One of those is wanting to be able to go to the bathroom safely. Another is so that I can have a girlfriend and not be in the position I was in when I tried to have a relationship last time.

I know it may sound kind of weird for someone who isn't trans talking about that part of a person's anatomy in an "I could take it or leave it" way. But really, I have found, the life altering part isn't so much "the operation", it's the hormones and being a woman all the time.

So if your cousin does go down this path, they will definitely have resolved things long before they get rid of the "darn thing". But there is something else too that I think might help put your mind at ease.

So detransition - someone flipping one way and then back - does happen in reality. It is also something that, I really feel, people should treat with a lot more dignity when it does. Some of us do get it wrong. When we do, though, the reality is a lot less dramatic than T.V. makes it out to be. Just to give you a timetable, this is all variable as hormones don't ever affect two people the same way,

If someone detransitions within 6 months, probably no action will be needed at all. They can just return to their old life.
If someone detransitions within 6 months to 2 years, they might need breast removal.
If someone detransitions after 2 years, or after having "bottom surgery", they might need breast removal, and testosterone.

As far as "bottom surgery" goes, someone that detransitions back to male after that is in the same boat as a female-to-male transitioner. And they get a bad rep too. The fact is, nearly 100% of female-to-male transitioners are happy with their "equipment" as far as sex goes. As far as I know only one FtM surgery is possible for people who detransition, phalloplasty. Your cousin would still be able to enjoy sex.

Also, just like I can handle "the darn thing" for the time being, if your cousin did detransition, it might not be that big a deal to him to not have it. He and I would be in the same boat. It's not something that comes up - pun not intended - most of the time.

Detransition - or transitioning twice really - is very rare. We have had one person here that I can remember. They did it before "bottom surgery", and actually transitioned 3 times. One of her reasons for detransitioning is that she felt pressure to remain a woman from some of us people in the transsexual community, and so he went back to being a gay man. Here on EC, I was really proud, because everyone was supportive all three times. But literally, all it cost her was time. If your cousin ever does detransition, they'll need love and support just as much as the first time.

So what I'm saying is, you are talking about something that almost never happens. When it does happen, it almost always happens before any permanent changes. And if there are permanent changes, they are reversible with a high satisfaction rate. And by then you are talking a slim chance out of a slim chance.

One last thing, if your cousin does decide to go through with this, it will be really vital for your cousin's safety and ability to fit in as a woman - and I know it's hard and you won't get it right all the time - to refer to your cousin as her, even if they haven't had "bottom surgery" yet. This is because - if you don't mind - she is going to need time to "catch up". She missed out on growing up as a woman. Being able to function in society, especially in professional environments, as you know requires living up to some social norms. She will only be able to do that if she has support. We are talking about her ability to find a job and love. And about how to keep her safe.

If it helps you, every sex difference in everyone whether they are trans or not is caused by hormones, and she would be on female hormones instead of male ones. So she would be "physically female" or "biologically female" in that sense. I know the language gets confusing if you do that a lot - for me too honestly. So to clear it up, when we talk about the past, we usually just leave no room for confusion and say "birth sex" or "assigned sex".

Of course your cousin isn't there yet. Just, when the time comes.

But yeah, if you want to talk to your cousin politely, probably the best way to do it is to just tell your cousin that you will support them no matter what. Including, if your cousin decides this is not the right path and comes back. Saying that though, you also have to be willing to support your cousin if they stay the course. Either way, your cousin is going to need as many people having his or her back as possible.

---------- Post added 25th Apr 2014 at 09:58 AM ----------

Sorry I kinda wrote a book tl;dr summary, just let your cousin know "I'm there for you now, and I'm there for you if you change your mind". That's my advice anyway.

 

Just a reminder, but it's entirely possible your sibling might not be binary at all, and there are plenty of stories of people out there who have transitioned from one label or identity to another at various points in their lives. Also, it's not at all unheard of for members of the trans community to have been identified as gay men and lesbians before, as a few members on EC can probably tell you.

It does seem a little strange for me that someone would focus so much on SRS in the beginning stages. Do they know of the stages required to be eligible for surgery? The effects and side effects of hormones? How this might impact them in the long-term? If not, you can both learn about these topics at the same time, and it would definitely show how supportive you are of their situation and choices.