Advice on how to respond to my adult kids

That was a beautiful letter. True to yourself and true to the love you have for them, and their mom. I think you're very brave and hope for everything to go the best for you.

 

^This, and more!

You said "adult" children, right? So in theory they should be all grown up and capable of looking after themselves. Even if they're not fully independent, which is understandable, they should at least be mindful that you are also your own person, and you're not just there to serve everyone else.

 

My heart goes out to you. It really does. I am beginning to think my experience is the exception and so may not be of much help. I only came out to myself a little less then a week ago and have been at peace with that decision ever since.
I decided to tell my son and his wife (he's 38, she 35) last night. After what seemed like an eternity of silence, he "Well, I guess there are worse things. At least you're not sick or anything like that." To be honest, I was floored. I was expecting a barrage of questions and some sense of denial from them but, apparently, they have taken it in stride. I think there is still going to be a period of adjustment for them to go through and some questions, but, aii in all, they seem supportive. Which is a big load off my mind.
Now the hard part. Telling my husband but that's a another story. But we've only been married 10 months so it's not like we have a lot of history, anyway.
I'm 57 and always considered myself bi until now.
All I can offer to you is to be strong in your conviction and continue to be a father as best you can. Actions speak louder then words and if they see your strength and determination, maybe they'll begin to accept you as you are and that sexual preference doesn't effect your ability to love them and be a good dad.
Not sure if this is any help ssince this is all new to me, too. I wish you luck and strength.

 

Nicely done! I hope they take it in the spirit it's offered. My daughters have been very positive about things (and my oldest even commented that she feels more comfortable talking about boys with me than with her mom now!). What happens next is up to them, but you've given them a great insight into what you've been feeling. Keep us posted.

 

Same here! My daughter and I share boy stories these days, both weird and wonderful!

 

The letter is very good. What I like about it specifically is the way you have not told them that their concerns are wrong. Instead you have reminded them of your love, acknowledged their concerns and above all you have been honest. I am so glad you were able to recall and acknowledge all the things you did as a parent to care for and nurture your children.

 

I agree, it's so easy to get caught up in the trauma of the moment with the disclosure disrupting what has been a safe and comfortable family life, it is important to remind your sons that while the hurt cannot be undone it does not invalidate the history of love and caring you've shown for them all their lives.

Also, depending on how things are with your wife at this point, a conversation or letter in a similar tone -- but with content appropriate for your relationship experiences with her -- may be in order to reassure her that while you own responsibility for the cheating you are taking steps now to also own your responsibilities both to her and yourself by being truthful about who you are and moving forward carefully but deliberately.

I have to say some of the tenor of your sons' letter sounded a lot like they were parroting the emotions of your wife, just my sense of their letter. While understandable to an extent given the raw emotions right now, everyone needs to keep in mind the parental relationship and the marital relationship are not one-in-the-same-thing. Conversations that may be appropriate between adult friends for support cross a line when seeking that support from a child whether an adult or not.

 

I'm pretty late to this thread, but man it really hit home for me. When I came out (again) last year I had been in a 13 yr relationship and have 3 adult daughters (22 yr old and 19yr old twins), and my kids really took up for my ex bigtime! It was all about how much I'd hurt him, how he'd been soo good to me, how could I do this, how selfish I was being, how I was destroying my family, etc etc. One year later, he and I are friends but it's still a bit awkward, 1 of my daughters is supportive, one is loving but just kinda avoids the family all together, and the other pretends nothing happened but when when I brought up the girl that I had been talking to she flips out & says "I don't want to know about her or anything to do with that!". I know it doesn't sound positive, but all three of my daughters & I talk, get together for lunch, text, and things are at least 80% better than it was last year! I hope the same for you, and i hope that you find support.