Advice and input would really be helpful right now...

I’m a really rude person. There are many depressed people in my life. I tell them I care about them, try to console them and tell them I’m always willing to listen but in reality I couldn’t give two flying shits. I only told them this because I wanted to talk to them. Mind you, I’ve only done this over the Internet. I don’t know if this would be different in real life, I don’t know how apathetic I’d be. This is where it gets to the question of whether I want anyone in my life because of this reason, because I don’t care about anybody. I honestly don’t think I do care about anyone, the only reason I’ve ever talked to people or had acquaintances was for their attention. As I grew older, I became more conscious of this.

Throughout my whole life, I have always been misgendered. Every time it happened I would always feel so offended and I would just want to be alone and just cry. Yet I dressed like a boy, my hobbies and interests were stereotypically masculine and I was interested in the idea of being male. I don’t think I ever had serious dysphoria, I just think I was jealous of boys. To this day (I’ll be turning 18 at the end of May) I still get mistaken for a guy and it still hurts and feels awkward and uncomfortable, but I have the ability to do something about that. I’m just very confused about what to do - do I transition from female to male or do I try to be more feminine? Most of time I don’t even know what to wear. These are all choices and I don’t want to have to make choices, I just want to be myself! I don’t even know who I am anymore.