Accepting the truth, being the truth

Jeffel.....It's difficult for some people to understand that a person can love you but not be sexually attracted to you. I really do love my wife. We have spent over 45 years together, built a life together and a family, however I am not sexually attracted to her. Looking back to when we got married in our twenties, I don't think that I was sexually attracted to her even then. At that time I was in very deep denial of my sexuality. I think that I was even then unconsciously looking for someone that I could make a life with in spite of the sexuality that I was trying very hard to pretend did not exist. As the years went by it gradually became more and more difficult to ignore the fact that I was and always had been gay. All of which lead to a final crisis that was nearly fatal. Pretending to be straight when you aren't is a path that invariably leads to disaster in one form or another. At some point we have to accept who we really are if we want to ever live a real life. When you are in a heterosexual marriage and you are not heterosexual it is really a receipt for disaster. However painful it was for you to come out to her...it was the right thing to do. Honest communication is the only way that a situation like the one you are in can ever be worked out without a complete disaster. You and your wife may find that you can not stay together...it just may not work. Then again, there is always the possibility that you may find a way to stay together as my wife and I have. The fact that the two of you are talking about it is the only way that makes that outcome even a possibility. I wish both of you the very best. I hope that by being able to talk through what each of you feel are the things that you individually need, that you may find there is a possibility that your shared love can overcome the difficulties and that you marriage may be able to endure. If not I sincerely hope that you can both remain close friends for the rest of your lives. Please remember that you are a part of our LGBTQ Family and we do care! Please keep us updated on how things continue to work out. .....David

 

Jeffel.....My situation is a lot different than yours. First off, my wife and I are older than you. My sex drive is probably not the same as yours, although it certainly has not disappeared! I have three grown sons and nine grandchildren. In a perfect world I would live with a husband that I loved. But to do that I would have to destroy my family and turn my back on those sons and grandchildren. I know that would not necessarily have to happen, but I would need to consider the worst possible scenario should I choose to come out completely and leave my wife. I can't do that. I do love my wife...not in a sexual way, but in every other way possible. We have been married for 45 years and have built a life together and a family that we love and care for deeply. It also happens that I am a Christian...and yes, that was a terrible conflict when I finally accepted that I am and always have been gay. I spent quite a while reconciling my faith with my sexuality. I can send you information about that journey if you wish...just let me know. I have come out to my wife, and while it was very difficult, we have worked through it and have chosen to stay together. The biggest reason we are able to stay together is due to the fact that I have chosen to place my family above my desire for male relationship. I am able to do that and I know that not everybody is. When I was in college I was completely out for about four years. During that time I met a boy named Tim. We became friends/FWB/lovers/and soul mates. Tim died rather suddenly and the circumstances around his death completely devastated me. I turned my back on my sexuality and forced myself to be straight for over 40 years. The depression and self-hate caused by that decision almost led to my suicide. The wonderful people here on Empty Closets and a great therapist helped me over time to recover from that and now I cherish those years and the memory of Tim. In some way having had that experience also helps me live the way I do now. So as you see my situation is probably unique. Yes, I am gay. My wife and I do not have intimate relations. I am what I call "autosexual". It works for me, but I certainly don't insist that anybody else should force themselves to follow my example unless they really do find that it would work for their situation. You have almost your entire life still in front of you. As emotionally difficult as it will be, the odds are that the best path for you and your wife will be separate paths. Co-parenting children is not easy, but many people have done it successfully. It takes cooperation and planning...and most of all - love for the children...but it can be made to work. I really do wish you and your wife the very best and at the expense of repeating myself...remember you are a part of our LGBTQ Family and we really do care about you and want the best for you and your family.
.....David

 

Boru46.....I usually catch people when they make their first post in the "Welcome Lounge" but I missed you there, so I'll catch back up to you here! I also see that you've been a member since September...I hope during that time you have learned a lot about Empty Closets. We are a group of LGBTQ people who have been through many difficult times. We do our best to help others who are going through tough times by sharing and supporting them through the experiences that we have had. We'll do the same for you anytime that you feel the need for help...just ask! The rest of this post is a welcome to EC and some navigation directions!

Hello and a big LGBTQIA+ welcome to Empty Closets! I can remember the first post that I made on EC. I was desperate for help and I got the help that night that I so needed. I hope that we can help you in the same way that I received help. The most important thing to remember about Empty Closets is that we do care about you! We're very glad that you found us here on EC and hope that we can answer questions, give you support and provide a place to vent (as long as it's not violent! ) when that becomes necessary! This is a safe community of loving, caring and very supportive people and we will do our best to help you blend into the community.

*****There are 18 different sub-forums here that you can check out, join in the conversations or start your own thread/conversation. When I first joined Empty Closets I was in need of a lot of support and encouragement and I found it here…EC is a safe place. I hope that you'll find good things here too! Folks here will talk to you and share...you don't have to be afraid of asking questions...we're glad to have you! Empty Closets is all about making connections and giving LGBTQ folks a voice when they otherwise don't have one in their day-to-day lives.

Some info on how to navigate EC:
When you have made at least 10 posts on various threads you will be able to post messages on a member's Profile Page. Just click on a member's Avatar Picture and then click on "Profile Page" in the dialogue box that pops up. You'll then be on their Profile Page and there will be a box that says: "Write Something" When you have been on EC for a few weeks and have made at least 50 posts on various forums, you can apply for Full Membership. A Full Member can send Private Messages (PM) to other Full Members and share personal contact info. Right now you can only send a PM to a Staff Member as that is always possible. Here is a quote from the Full Membership information forum:

*****To be eligible you must be a member of Empty Closets for a minimum of two weeks, and have a minimum of 50 posts. These posts must be across numerous forums (Fun & Games does not contribute to post count), and consistently posted across a minimum of two weeks. You wouldn't be eligible, for example, if you registered, had no activity for two weeks, and then returned to post 50 times on your 14th day of membership.

*****Well, as I said, we're very glad you found us! If you have any questions at all, you can always send me a Private Message.

…..David