Accepting myself at 40 and how to start living

welcome to EC. If you're looking for advice and support, then you have come to the right place. I also know how you feel. I just came to terms with my sexuality this year and I'm 30. The gay scene can be niche sometimes but for the most part people are fairly open and welcoming. You just have to find your groove.

 

Hi, hope you get the help you need on here. It's a really great site, it can be a bit quiet so don't be surprised if it takes a day or two before you get any answers.

 

It’s okay to be discovering yourself a bit later on in life, sometimes when you look back you realise all the clues were there. You’re here now, enjoy reading as many of the threads as you like and reading about other people’s experiences. Welcome to EC it’s nice here!

 

Welcome to EC! I fought my sexuality for much of my life for the same reasons, and at 42 last summer, I finally accepted I'm gay. This site is great for support, there are a lot of caring people here who've already been through what you're going through.

 

I think you will find that coming to terms with your true sexuality is independent of your age. All our lives and struggles are different and for many of us it takes years to finally acknowledge how we really feel sexually. Relax, cut yourself some slack and enjoy the journey you are embarking on. Self discovery is awesome.

 

It was hard for me to finally accept myself never to old or to late to accept and discover yourself

 

I'm at a similar stage in my life, trying to reach out and I don't think there is any shame in doing it online. People in my life have been rather judgmental in the past. I know what it's like to live a lie. Do you mind me asking if you have any family members you could trust?

 

.

I have recently accepted my bisexuality after decades of denial. I can understand some of what you may be going through and I am certain there are plenty of folks in this community that can relate. You can count on us for support.

I don't think there is any such thing as a gauge for being gay, but I can understand how your struggle may have you feeling like there is. Nobody can tell you who you are. Each of us are working that out for ourselves. Some people can be critical and judgmental, but I find that most of them are only acting out because of how they feel about themselves and not how they feel about us. I try not to interact on those terms.

 

You won't find any judgement here. Welcome

 

Hello,
i'm new to the community, but not to many of the things you describe. Grew up aware of my being attracted to guys when i was supposed to be attracted to the 'opposite sex.' The religious culture i grew up in, and was conditioned by, didn't consider that there is such a thing as "gay." So, yeah, the struggle is real and was a really long process for me.
i think what you are doing by coming to a place like this will be helpful, you will begin to experience and see you are not alone or unusual, nor is your situation. Exposing yourself openly in a safe place where there are others like you can be enlightening and healing. Online is relatively quick and easy, it also affords some anonymity... so an extra level of "safety." i'd suggest you not stop there though, do a google search for irl opportunities to meet with others and have face time and not just screen time,

n real life is another level i think. i remember, when i first fully accepted the gay part of myself, going to a Barnes and Noble and buying a gay romance novel. i selected it because the picture of the author on the back was cute. Then when i bought the book, the guy behind the counter was also sort of cute, had a vibe, so i pointed out the picture of the author and admitted: "i have no idea if this is any good or not, i just bought it because the author is good looking." The clerk smiled, a little surprised, and agreed. A total stranger, but felt good to be open and not get shot down.

 

I’ve been doubting about my sexuality since puberty. Basically always thought I was gay but grew up in an era and environmental where that just wasn’t possible (sound familiar ?). I’m 52 now, married with 3 kids in their early 20’s. A politician in my country came out as bi last summer and that was a trigger for me. His interview blew me away as it could have been me talking. That’s when it clicked that I wasn’t gay but rather bi. Took me a few months to work up the courage, and I had the conversation a thousand times in my head before actually doing it, but last October I came out to my wife. It was our most intense conversation in the many years we are together. While there were strong emotions, she was wonderful about it and is supportive. We setup some ground rules and that got me going. Still trying to figure out what to do towards the kids and some close friends. I don’t plan to shout it out to the world, don’t feel the need for that. But to my close inner circle I would really like them to know so I can « lower shields » and just be fully myself with them.

We brought up the kids very open minded. I don’t think it would be a big deal to them. But still doubting if I should let them know. Also because I don’t want my wife to have to deal with this as well from her end.

Any advice, anyone ? Thanks a bunch !

 

Telling your wife was the most important thing to do. What are your ground rules?

I think if nothing is really going to change in your life and in your relationship because of this revelation, it probably doesn’t need to be announced and made public. You could individually tell other people you are close with, as circumstances allow. If you think it would benefit you for them to know.

How do you think your kids would take it if you did tell them? Do you have any boys or just girls? Are your kids all straight and what is their attitudes generally towards LGBT issues? It would concern me that it might not be taken well - even if they are generally accepting of other LGBT people. But only you are in a position to be able to judge that.

 

Thanks. One boy and 2 girls and very open minded on the subject. I feel a bit selfish wanting them to know cause it’s really for my benefit, not theirs. They gain nothing from it, other then knowing another side of their dad that they are perfectly fine living without. For me it would mean the closet opens yet a bit further.

 

Hi ElleAbea,

I read you post, and I'm sure a lot of folks could relate, but I did so especially. Maybe it's because we're both 40, maybe it's because we are coming to terms with ourselves later in life. Maybe it was because we created a version of ourselves that was more acceptable based on the beliefs of people around us.

I'm not sure. I am so happy that you are ready to start living. I'm envious even. I got married when I was.... 22 to a wonderful woman that I got together with when I was 18. And, well... we took a year apart about 4-5 years ago and that really gave me to space to learn about me, and all the stuff that I had been... burying since i was like 11.

One of the fears I share with you, which is why I'm still pretty closeted, except for my hair lady, my therapist, and my eldest brother, (and anyone who knows how to ask a question), is the fear that I won't be gay enough. Like... there's a lot of tropes out there, flamboyant, hypersexual, looking-for-a-hookup, and the list goes on. And I'll be honest, one of the things that prevents me from sharing my bisexual (more attracted to men) state with my wife, or rather anyone, is that, at 40, I'm not sure what would be left. The ###### experience is a bit... impersonal. Maybe I'm just old, but having random sex with people from the internet, when you grew up with AIDS and STDs well... yeah-no.

In any case, I'm not sure I have advice, but I can provide support. And maybe we can talk about shared experiences that are relatable.

Hope you are well,
Thom.

 

I'm reading you response and thinking through my first experiencing purchasing something of non-straight nature. Now, it wasn't a book, it was a VHS. And, it wasn't at a store nearly as refined as B&N, but the guy who was behind the counter, while not making me feel supported, definitely didn't make me feel ashamed. It was surreal. Thanks for posting. It took me back to a time that, while problematic, was a time I probably should have done more self-work vs self-sabotage.

 

I'm really happy you worked up the courage to tell your wife. That's something I haven't been able to do. I read horror stories about those conversations and many of them point back to "what you hope to accomplish?" And I never have a good answer. I'm committed to my wife. We love each other and she's changed my life in countless ways for the better. We've raised 6 puppies and several cats, and I don't see a conversation with her, informing her that she married someone who also likes guys, as a positive.

Now, I do know that we all tell ourselves horror stories and worst case scenarios. But, even knowing about that fallacy in thinking, I can't work up the courage.

I'm glad it worked well for you. You mentioned you set "ground rules" what did that entail? Also curious about the details of the converstion.

Like you, I don't feel the need for a big broad announcement of "coming out." I mean, I never came out as straight. And hetero folks don't have to do that, so... it's not something I plan to do. If someone were to ask me, straight up, I'd tell them. But, in many cases I passes as straight and no one ever questions it. So... right, wrong, or indifferent, I just sort of run around in this grey invisible space.

 

Its good that they are open-minded. But still, I think telling them is something of a risk and what's the benefit? How will you benefit from them knowing?

 

idk... maybe. How do you know if it would or would not be important to them to know? i think assuming letting your kids know would benefit you more than they is not so much selfish as it is unintentionally presumptuous. It's sort of a parenting default to think we know what's best for our kids, and that's truer when they are young. But a big part of being a parent is guiding your kids into adulthood, exposing them to real life and helping them learn how to navigate and ultimately be independent. That process changes as they get older.

Your kids are in their early 20's, they're not kids anymore. Think about when you were their age, would you have wanted to know if the shoe was on the other foot and it was your dad? Of course, that just lends perspective, they are not you.

i had a counselor suggest to me at one point that my dad may have been gay or bi. It floored me. For some reason it had never occurred to me that he may have been. When the question was posed, my father was already in the grave, so there was no way to ask him. Still, it would have meant a great deal to know. Possibly one of your kids is wrestling with similar questions, even though it's so much different now than when you were their age, it can still be a struggle. i believe part of transitioning from childhood to adult involves learning that our parents are people too, with struggles and issues, not flawless authorities. It's part of maturing i think.

Sorry, i may have brought you no closer to deciding. To me, intimate relationship is about being 100% open, real with each other. That's rare, but i think it should be the goal. i think one of the bigger questions is why do we hide? There is nothing wrong with who and how you are, why should you have to 'protect' them from knowing that part of you? Doesn't that just reinforce the social norm of treating different people as somehow damaged and deleterious?

 

I came out to my wife when we were abroad on a vacation. I had had many version of that talk in my head before. It was a perfect moment at the beach so I took a leap of faith and went for it. Basically started out by telling her there was something I wanted to share with her, but that I was afraid as it had the power to destroy us but also to make us stronger as a couple.
She encouraged me to share so that’s when I told her I knew since puberty that I liked guys. Even thought I was gay although I’m now starting to realize I’m probably more on the 70 straight 30 gay scale. It only clicked with me I was bi after that politician came out. Like the pieces of the puzzle starting to make sense. Longing for male companionship, but never having fallen in love with a guy, while I did fall in love with women.
The week before I had gone for a massage. I had told my wife it was a floating experience when in reality it was a tantra gay massage. And also that was a revelation. I cried in the arms of the guy, another comformation, like coming home feeling … So I also told that to my wife as I didn’t want to keep it hidden. And that’s sort if the ground rule we have now. Every few months, when I feel the need, I go for a tantra massage. There’s no sex with the guy and I don’t think I need it. But being able to hug another guy is like putting me on a super charger. I jokingly call it recharging my bi-battery. So ground rule is, tantra massage yes and be open about it, no intimate sex. And that seems to work for me for the moment.
Very grateful to my wife for supporting me in this, and every time I go for a massage I come back and thanks her for allowing it.
As a result, I no longer have these big mood swings and our relationship has grown stronger for sure.