A New Frontier... And I'm scared..

Umm. I'm not really sure how to start this, or even if I should. This whole thing still terrifies me. I guess I should just rip the bandage off.. So here goes. I'm trans. And it scares me. I've stepped foot in a world I know next to nothing about and I'm scared that because I don't know a lot about it, people I love and care about are going to doubt me and say its not true. I'm really relatively new on the realization train. I think I've only known for about 19 months. But that's not a really accurate time frame. For the first year, I refused to believe it. I wanted to be normal and just live my boring sheltered life. Hiding from the world. I was fine pretending I wasn't. I'd laugh whenever a joke about us came up, and I'd make my own, but every time I heard one of said one.. I felt sick. I wanted to vomit. and eventually that self disgust ended up with me wanting to die. So I made a snap second decision. I told my very first person. He was a friend I'd known for 8 years, met in highschool and just always stayed in touch. I was terrified, but he understood. He said he thought I'd come out as something eventually, given my past history. And while he didn't expect to dive with me right into the deep end, nevertheless he followed. And he started helping me. We'd talk about things I wish I could do in the hush hush of my car, where no one else could hear.. And it worked for awhile. But again that same feeling of dread came over me. And since then I've told ten people, my mother among them. And while she isn't convinced, I know in my heart its true. But also at the same time there's doubt. Am I really? What if somehow I'm just imagining this and how it feels. But every time my thoughts stray that way, that familiar feeling and urge to vomit rises up again, and I want to die. so for the moment, I'm not doubting it anymore. But I know how my thought process goes. Sooner or later someone is gonna say something that makes me question whether this is real all over again. My dad doesn't know, and neither does his wife. And I wanna tell them, but I'm scared to. He's as right winged as you get, and he loves Trump. And while I've never been one to care very much about politics, with all the talk of trans rollbacks in the news nowadays I'm scared to say anything. I had this plan in my head, and I was gonna keep to it no matter what. Sorta like my own little challenge in a way. I was gonna tell ma first, then tell dad and his wife new years day. Then I was gonna tell my brother, seven years younger. Then my cousins on my dads side. who are more like brothers and a sister to me than cousins. And then, after all that was done I was gonna find a therapist to help with the steps that come after telling the people most important to you. But I'm not so sure anymore. I don't know if I can do this. if I can really oust myself to them, not knowing the response. I kinda wanna give up. But then there's another part of me, somewhere deep inside my soul. Screaming at me to keep moving forward, and to forget anyone who can't be bothered to follow me. And I'm torn, and scared... Because I'm indecisive. And I'm worried that one day I'm just gonna wake up, near death and have a lifetime of regret waiting for me to look back on. And I don't know which to choose. I'm sorry this was so long, and I don't expect a response. I just... I just needed to get my story out there. thank you for the time you took reading this to the end. It honestly means the world to me. --Asha Rey

 

Honestly I didn't really expect anyone to respond.. But I'm glad you three did.. I could always use more people to talk to and I hope you guys are willing. I like Emory. its a good name. I hope I can get to know you guys better as I try and learn about myself

 

I'll be sure to do that Alice. I can always have more friends(^～^) I think I'm gonna need more support than ever before in the coming months and maybe years, and I hope I can make some of those friends here

 

I feel like a coward. I've been at my aunts house more or less all day. And I know I should be having a good time, but all I can think while I'm here is this. How many more days am I gonna have like this? How many more times am I gonna see those carefree smiles and faces? How many more events am I gonna be at before I'm not allowed? Before those faces shift to ones of discontent, anger and fear. I know I should sit down with them all before I leave and tell them what I am and that its not a joke and that I've never felt so strongly about anything in my brief existence... But I'm scared. I don't know that I can take it if things go the way I fear they will. Twelve people here, well eleven. One couldn't make it. Statistically it would make sense if at least one of them can't accept me. But what am I supposed to do if none of them do? I've nowhere to stay. I don't know what the best choice is.

 

News update: I didn't meet my goal, but I did tell someone. Well actually, two people. My cousin and his fiancee. They're behind me 100 percent. So while I didn't meet my goal and still have fears and aways to go, I feel good about the future. We'll see where I can go from here. Cheers guys!
--Asha Rey