Yeah, sorry for spamming the section... I'm confused. I just had gender therapy yesterday and I talked about all that, how it all broke a few days ago and I just kept fantasising about going to school and being all like "hey, I'm a dude actually, I need you to change my name in the register and adress me this way, and remember: I'm a dude, don't call me a girl" . And the therapist was like... later on she assumed I would take T? But I don't want to. I can't explain that, I'm just confused about all this. I understand that others would feel better if I took hormones and it would be clear for them which gender I am. But I don't need it and don't feel alright with the thought. That T suggestion was a response of my mention of feminine flirty moods for ovulation spoiling the whole transition. (Or PMS which I don't have, rather) Then we talked how I don't take T and still feel confident and angry at everything, and how I can and like to roughhouse with the guys. Well, it looks like I have two genders... too much hormones in the system. Both a lot of T and then occasionally a lot of E too. Then I responded that I don't want to be a man, I want to feel like a woman but am unable to. And that just coming out and being honest about how I feel would be enough for me. Do I feel like an emotional basket case (supposedly MtFs feel this way on E)? Maybe a bit, but I can't say it's my major mood. I'm a rather decided woman. I did feel like that early in the puberty but I can't say it is who I am now. Then we talked about... that my masculinity doesn't stand out. That in her opinion subtlety is on the first plan. Maybe this is true, I dunno. I don't know how to fix that. Maybe it has to do with my personality or my dad saying that men who are expressive of their masculinity are stupid. Well, my parents are against expressive clothing or behaviour, but it might be the time to tell them to get off me. On the top of that, my parents don't want anyone outside family to know that I'm transgender, and oh Lord, little do they know because of that. I told everyone except for classmates and teachers. It's hard to keep a secret like that. Then we talked how I need sport both physically and emotionally (this is one big roughhousing with the guys right?) and it would be good to organise something over the summer that would establish me an easy to access aggressive sport for the whole year, like it would be good to pass this karate exam that would allow me to compete. Don't mind, it's just a vent. I need to vent. Nothing makes sense, unfortunately.
I'm just throwing this out there, but have you ever had any sort of screening that could show that you are intersex? I'm only bringing it up because of the fluctuations of T and E in your system. That can wreak havoc with your mental state. And some people don't know they are intersex until later when they have medical exams done. As for assuming you are on T...well that's what everyone assumes you want to do. Ignore that. Sport would be good, I think, because it will give you an outlet for that rough and tumble feeling you have. As for having told people you are transgender... nothing you can do about it now. Cat's out of the bag, if your parents like it or not. I'm sorry nothing is making any sense right now. Peace will come. *hug*
Yes I got screenings (many) because my reproductive system has a tendency to do stange things. It stops menstruating every now and then. Nothing specific shows up in blood tests tho. From what I gathered without the help of a doctor from the blood test is that my T is in the higher part of the norm and E in the lower one. And progesterone simply shows I’m not pregnant... Everything is in the right place in the ultrasound too, although have gathered my genitals might show signs of much T floating in the system and my peach fuzz shows it too. My doctor said that it might be a matter of sensitivity to it rather than an objective imbalance. I did get hormonal antiandrogenic treatment at some point... it felt real bad. Also update: I taled with dad. And mom is up next. Everything is fine so far. No secrets. About clothes or out status... everything’s fine. Yeah... the sport seems like a good idea.
Update: mom is fine too. I'm gonna do it. Something and somehow. I'm gonna solve this problem finally. I will.
