Was suppose to hang out with my aunt today but cancelled due to lack of sleep, as well I am always anxious around her these days. Just don't want her mentioning how boyish I look these days, at the same time I wish she would just guess that I want to be a man. She wasn't surprised I canceled but said that she wanted me over next week because because someone was coming over to do make over's and she wanted me yo get one. She isn't the kind of person I can say no to. I have spent the last few hours not sure if I want to cry. 7 months ago I would of happily gone a long though I had never been big on makeup. Always looking for way to cover up facial hair and pimples, but mostly I looked forward to the face wash the had. Now I don't want to go. I'm afraid I'll actually like whatever they'll do and go "oh so I am meant to be a girl." I don't want that. I don't know why but I just don't. I want to be man, I don't understand why I do. I just do. I wish I had some clear sign. I wish I held the utmost contempt for my boobs instead of admitting the look good once up in a bra. I'm fine as a girl but feel I will be happier as a man, and I'll never be a woman. Just thinking about all this had me in such a bad mood. I had to pull on a sports bra and my shorts to calm down. If I had been born male I wouldn't have to worry about this. I would 't be questioning myself. All I would have to worry about was being a slight effeminate gay man, and even then the effeminate part might not be there. Why do I even think about this all the time?
If you say she's the kind of lady you can't say no to, ask yourself why that is. Does she use some sort of human-commandment-type magic that makes her every request impossible to deny? Or are you more of the type who has a hard time saying no? Think about what could go wrong if you said no, and consider maybe just saying no. It's fine if something bothers you and you don't want to do it. Maybe suggest doing something else with her if she wants to spend time together with you. As for thinking you look good in a bra once in a while, I think that could just be a sign of gender variance, something that I'm inclined to believe most humans on this planet have. Wanting to express that, even if it's just in private, is okay! For example, I see myself as a girl overall, not a boy. But I do have to admit when I look at my reflection, although it's not the girl I wish I was, the boy there has his hot moments. In the end I'm happiest being a rather masculine girl in both appearance and behavior. What I'm saying is, not hating your breasts all the time doesn't make you any less who you are. It's up to you how far you want to express one gender over another. For all the assholes in the world that may have a problem with the way you choose to express yourself, there are plenty of non-assholes who'd rather you do what makes you happy, and that can change from time to time. Moods and feelings DO change. Some days, maybe you feel more feminine, and others more masculine, maybe predominantly masculine. That's totally cool. Try not to worry about it, and live in the moment, doing what makes you feel comfortable.
I'm just that person who has a hard time saying no to people. Use to give my lunch money away in high school if someone asked. And she is my favorite aunt and has done a lot for me As for the bra thing. I like them better in a bra then just hanging about, that I just can't stand. It drives me crazy. But thanks. The reply helps I know masculinity and femininity don't make a person male or female, but I am of the mind that if I am to look so masculine that I can pass without trying then I rather make it a constant thing and make my body male. Its what I would prefer to be anyway as female has never suited me and has just stressed me, depressed me, and made me anxious. When I think of it in such a way I have little doubts. But then I think about coming out and the cost annddd...its terrifying but that hasn't seemed to stop me from wanting it.
If you do have to go, don't worry about getting dolled up and getting your feelings switched to "Oh, I look good as a woman." It seems very clear to me that you would rather be a man and I doubt a make over would change that. Think of yourself as a drag queen.
