I am gay. For the past few years I have come out to almost everybody, except my mother, father and sister. It is complicated and although I plan to come out, I have to wait for the time being. However, my sister kind of knows. She is older than me and a few years ago she found something on my computer - I guess some videos or something, and confronted me about it. She called me names and made me feel really bad. She said she will never accept me, and that she is disgusted by it. She didn't hold back... Anyways, the years that followed were tough for her, as her mental state deteriorated - borderline personality disorder and depression of sorts. But being naturally a very mean and threatening person she started using her problems to play the victim, attract attention and simply torment people. She has no job, or a social life, and she spends her days at home with my parents, eating cake, drinking, and watching films and sports... Although my sexuality hasn't been addressed since that incident years ago, she always finds a way to poke me about it. Like two days ago, while discussing politics, she just said how gays should be treated the same as pedophiles, while looking me straight in the eyes making sure I got the message. I am trying to mend my relationship with her, for the sake of my mental health. I don't need enemies, and family drama. I just want peace. But she is just a monster. I truly feel hurt by someone I used to love, who has turned into a monster, a terrible monster. She has admitted that her mental issues are not really a problem, but her lack of confidence and her insecurities. Feeling miserable about her own life, she chooses to take her frustrations on other people. We all have issues, but the good ones don't torment other people. That is simply mean and malicious... How do I deal with her?
I am sorry you are going through this. I can relate, though not about a sibling tormenting me about my sexuality, but some similarities. So my brother, ever since we were young, was always mean, manipulative, and would do anything so that he wouldn't have to lift a finger. He was always lazy, didnt try hard for anything, and a complete mooch. Long story short, he dropped out of his masters program, because he wasnt studying, and came to live with me. The first few days were great, but then one day I had to go home early and when I came back at 2 he was just starting to get his day rolling. He cause so much pain to so many people that now he lives with my mom, won't talk to her, doesn't work, and lives rent free. I told him one day how I felt and then he sent me an email detailing how I was responsible for all his lifestyle failures, since then we havent talked, my mom has tried to throw him out, and he still doesn't get the point. Long story I know, but hopefully some of it helps.
Her insecurity, depression or BPD are no excuse to mistreat other people. It doesn’t really matter what the specific issue is - going through a tough time does not give one an excuse to treat others like shit, period, especially if they are family. I know you hate the drama and just want some peace and quiet, but she’s in control of her behaviors and problems, and if she chooses to sit around, not get help for whatever issues she’s facing and lash out at people, there’s not much you can do about it. So what do you do? First, you keep some distance from her. Her having issues doesn’t mean you have to be subjected to this behavior. Second, constantly keep in mind that her behavior doesn’t imply anything about you - her shitty attitude towards gay people and towards her own brother are her fuck ups to solve, and it’ll be easier for you to cope if you manage to disconnect emotionally. Third, I would try to stand up to her in a way that won’t out you (it’s up to you if and how to do that). Bullies often back down when they realize the people they pick on don’t get scared easily. In any case, you don’t deserve this treatment. Take care.
I have a relationship similar with my oldest sister. When I came out to her she used some really mean and hurtful words against me. She even said she didn't want me in her house. I have thought about how I could mend our relationship but the reality is that she will have to work on her part and since she is not willing there is nothing I can do about it. I keep my distance from her. We rarely talk and I stay away from her house. That event happened 5 years ago and still hurts.
To be honest, if this was me, I'd completely disconnect from her. It sounds like she needs help. It sounds like it's unlikely to work coming from you and that if you try, it'll just generate more pain. IMO her problems aren't you're responsibility, and your efforts would be better utilized elsewhere. You don't need to actively make her you're enemy, you'd just need to recognize that she's not your friend. It sounds like she may be using the fact that you're in the closet to your family as a kind of weapon - to shield her meaning and intention from you parents and hold it over your head. Not that I'm one to speak about it, but I'd also consider properly coming out to your family before estrangement to take away any ambiguity or question about what she means when she says these things. However, it sounds like you are still living with her and your parents, and so both of these things may not be good options? In which case I'd try to do my best to ignore her and avoid interaction with her as much as is practical until it's reasonable to go your own way. If family simply isn't a healthy place for you, I'd focus on trying to make meaningful connections and relationships outside of family.
