Hi there. Anyone who's been paying half the attention to my posts (or has scrolled down my posts and thought "oh gods who has time to fill in so much text") knows that I have some issues, regardless of whether they're psychological, or of other kinds. I'm increasingly aware of those with time, and, I guess I'll rant a bit about stuff (and, yes, it's another average/long post) to keep you people updated on latest development and stuff, without having to resort to thread necromancy. (also I apologize for the lack of clarity/grammar, I didn't proofread it the usual amount of time due to a tight sleep schedule) I'll start by saying that I'll be entering 12th grade tomorrow. That's pretty nifty. I'll take every opportunity to be out to my classmates, even though I assume those opportunities will appear seldom, which kinda sucks. Now, entering the last year of high school comes with a buttload of things I didn't think I'd have to deal with, like, the fear of dying (weird segue, I couldn't think of anything better). You know. I do not know why, but recently it feels like a switch's been fiddled with in my brain, and, somewhere in the back of my mind, a part of me is constantly reminding myself that I will die. I knew that, before, but I didn't have a dedicated section of my brain power trying to desperately put everything I feel/do in the mindset of "will I regret it when my time comes? What situation will I be in?". That comes with a nagging feeling of being old. I'm not old, I'm 16, but I feel like a 78 years old man, and, even if I tell myself the difference, my brain will come up with some computational method to prove how close 16 is to whatever age I imagine I'll die at, and I'm scared again. To say that a switch changed in my brain is pretty accurate. I didn't seriously worry about it until about 4 days ago. I was about to go to bed, and, as usual, my mind wandered. I watch a lot of paranormal videos, so, I tend to think about death a lot, but, what about mine? I had never considered my own real mortality, being sure I'd end up killing myself some day, and suddenly, it appeared in my brain. I tried imagining it. I tried putting myself in the mind of that me in the future who would lie in a bed and close his eyes for the last time, and, then, it happened. I opened my eyes like I had been shocked, but I don't think I could see anything. I was slightly shaking, and it felt like the world around me was shrinking down and suffocating me. I had nothing in mind other than fear and anxiety like I had not felt in literal years. I have always been a very anxious child, and I remember vivid episode of absolute panic, for various reasons. It had everything I knew from back then : shaking, sudden and overwhelming fear, the feeling that the world was shrinking down and out to get me, and even the shallow breathing. I think that's why it's still in the back of my mind today : it genuinely shocked me and left me terrorized to a degree I had not experienced in very long. Yet, I felt alive, for reasons I can only attribute to suddenly lifting a huge weight of derealisation I've been carrying with me ever since my first depressive episodes. I'm starting to acknowledge my surroundings again. I see colors and shape in full blast instead of blurry half grayed forms. I am keeping track of the passage of time more and more. But feeling alive, in my mind, also reminds me of my own limited duration, and that time is slowly killing me. That brings me to an appropriate segue. One of the things that makes me even more anxious is the feeling that nothing is changing. I still feel like I'm in the same place. I still have a huge load of self hatred. I still refuse myself things I'd enjoy. I am still filled with so many dark and bloating emotions which I wish I could expunge but cannot because they've become rooted so deep into my everyday life and thinking that I cannot envision a cure of my own which wouldn't imply absolute destruction. I'm still depressed, somewhat. Maybe not in a clinical way, but I have this periodical sadness and hopelessness which comes and ruins any fun I ever have. If it doesn't make me go literally insane (as previously visible in some of my posts), it makes me feel numb, it robs the fun away from everything I try to do, even if I normally enjoy it. It's a feeling I know very well, and yet I can't manage to do anything about it. I know it'll just come back and forth and back and forth. I am still aware that all of that is still there with me, but, now, I'm also realizing that they're lingering for way longer than I would want them to be, and I fear that they'll never go away even if I start addressing them. Then there's an added anxiety due to getting into a university. I'll put that in a spoiler because it's awfully tangential. I'm not gonna bother checking the grammar or clarity of it, I'm too tired for that. Spoiler I know that, for the job I want to have, I don't really need a degree. I could go freelance and try and survive as an independent developer. What I want to do, rather, is study computer sciences and engineering in a place that's at least somewhat reputable, with people who are also passionate about it, and get a degree from there, instead of relying on self taught half as$ed stuff I read from the internet alone in my room at night, and work alone in my apartment for the rest of my existence. A degree wouldn't guarantee a good position but I wanna show that I'm dedicated to really learning computer sciences. Anyways. I'm heavily considering entering a university in North America. I have multiple choices right now, both unrealistic and realistic, and that specific choice is motivated by both my appreciation of the English language and the desire to get away from both France and my family. That means, however, that I need to get into an administrative clusterfùck of deadlines I'm not sure I know, and a lot of uncertainty, and I'm not good at dealing with uncertainty. To give you an idea, the only case that has ever been brought forward to us, pupils, during PSAs on post-graduation orientation is the extremely unlikely case of abroad scholarship withing Europe. I had to do most of the research on my own for everything I'll have to do. I know, however, that despite all the unknown which abroad scholarship would bring, it'd probably allow me a more freedom and force me out of the comfort bubble I have established over the years... But that is all uncertain. Actually getting there requires multiple complex steps which are uncertain to work and all fatal for my progress if I fail at any point. And everything about that must be added to the stress of high school final exams and extracurricular activities, generally peaking at the end of the year. So, yeah. It's all fun. And how have you been, lately?