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A general update

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by FluffyLightFox, Sep 4, 2017.

  1. FluffyLightFox

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    Hi there.

    Anyone who's been paying half the attention to my posts (or has scrolled down my posts and thought "oh gods who has time to fill in so much text") knows that I have some issues, regardless of whether they're psychological, or of other kinds. I'm increasingly aware of those with time, and, I guess I'll rant a bit about stuff (and, yes, it's another average/long post) to keep you people updated on latest development and stuff, without having to resort to thread necromancy.

    (also I apologize for the lack of clarity/grammar, I didn't proofread it the usual amount of time due to a tight sleep schedule)

    I'll start by saying that I'll be entering 12th grade tomorrow. That's pretty nifty. I'll take every opportunity to be out to my classmates, even though I assume those opportunities will appear seldom, which kinda sucks.
    Now, entering the last year of high school comes with a buttload of things I didn't think I'd have to deal with, like, the fear of dying (weird segue, I couldn't think of anything better). You know.
    I do not know why, but recently it feels like a switch's been fiddled with in my brain, and, somewhere in the back of my mind, a part of me is constantly reminding myself that I will die. I knew that, before, but I didn't have a dedicated section of my brain power trying to desperately put everything I feel/do in the mindset of "will I regret it when my time comes? What situation will I be in?". That comes with a nagging feeling of being old. I'm not old, I'm 16, but I feel like a 78 years old man, and, even if I tell myself the difference, my brain will come up with some computational method to prove how close 16 is to whatever age I imagine I'll die at, and I'm scared again.
    To say that a switch changed in my brain is pretty accurate. I didn't seriously worry about it until about 4 days ago. I was about to go to bed, and, as usual, my mind wandered. I watch a lot of paranormal videos, so, I tend to think about death a lot, but, what about mine? I had never considered my own real mortality, being sure I'd end up killing myself some day, and suddenly, it appeared in my brain. I tried imagining it. I tried putting myself in the mind of that me in the future who would lie in a bed and close his eyes for the last time, and, then, it happened.
    I opened my eyes like I had been shocked, but I don't think I could see anything. I was slightly shaking, and it felt like the world around me was shrinking down and suffocating me. I had nothing in mind other than fear and anxiety like I had not felt in literal years. I have always been a very anxious child, and I remember vivid episode of absolute panic, for various reasons. It had everything I knew from back then : shaking, sudden and overwhelming fear, the feeling that the world was shrinking down and out to get me, and even the shallow breathing. I think that's why it's still in the back of my mind today : it genuinely shocked me and left me terrorized to a degree I had not experienced in very long. Yet, I felt alive, for reasons I can only attribute to suddenly lifting a huge weight of derealisation I've been carrying with me ever since my first depressive episodes. I'm starting to acknowledge my surroundings again. I see colors and shape in full blast instead of blurry half grayed forms. I am keeping track of the passage of time more and more. But feeling alive, in my mind, also reminds me of my own limited duration, and that time is slowly killing me.
    That brings me to an appropriate segue. One of the things that makes me even more anxious is the feeling that nothing is changing. I still feel like I'm in the same place. I still have a huge load of self hatred. I still refuse myself things I'd enjoy. I am still filled with so many dark and bloating emotions which I wish I could expunge but cannot because they've become rooted so deep into my everyday life and thinking that I cannot envision a cure of my own which wouldn't imply absolute destruction. I'm still depressed, somewhat. Maybe not in a clinical way, but I have this periodical sadness and hopelessness which comes and ruins any fun I ever have. If it doesn't make me go literally insane (as previously visible in some of my posts), it makes me feel numb, it robs the fun away from everything I try to do, even if I normally enjoy it. It's a feeling I know very well, and yet I can't manage to do anything about it. I know it'll just come back and forth and back and forth. I am still aware that all of that is still there with me, but, now, I'm also realizing that they're lingering for way longer than I would want them to be, and I fear that they'll never go away even if I start addressing them.

    Then there's an added anxiety due to getting into a university. I'll put that in a spoiler because it's awfully tangential. I'm not gonna bother checking the grammar or clarity of it, I'm too tired for that.
    I know that, for the job I want to have, I don't really need a degree. I could go freelance and try and survive as an independent developer. What I want to do, rather, is study computer sciences and engineering in a place that's at least somewhat reputable, with people who are also passionate about it, and get a degree from there, instead of relying on self taught half as$ed stuff I read from the internet alone in my room at night, and work alone in my apartment for the rest of my existence. A degree wouldn't guarantee a good position but I wanna show that I'm dedicated to really learning computer sciences. Anyways.
    I'm heavily considering entering a university in North America. I have multiple choices right now, both unrealistic and realistic, and that specific choice is motivated by both my appreciation of the English language and the desire to get away from both France and my family. That means, however, that I need to get into an administrative clusterfùck of deadlines I'm not sure I know, and a lot of uncertainty, and I'm not good at dealing with uncertainty. To give you an idea, the only case that has ever been brought forward to us, pupils, during PSAs on post-graduation orientation is the extremely unlikely case of abroad scholarship withing Europe. I had to do most of the research on my own for everything I'll have to do. I know, however, that despite all the unknown which abroad scholarship would bring, it'd probably allow me a more freedom and force me out of the comfort bubble I have established over the years... But that is all uncertain. Actually getting there requires multiple complex steps which are uncertain to work and all fatal for my progress if I fail at any point. And everything about that must be added to the stress of high school final exams and extracurricular activities, generally peaking at the end of the year.

    So, yeah. It's all fun.

    And how have you been, lately?
     
  2. Myclosetisfull

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    Well first, your posting history indicates an extreme amount of intellectual potential and a very fast learning capacity (though a tendencies to become repetitive in your current trends is also evident, likely the part of your brain that tells you that you aren't making progress sees this). I imagine you will score beautifully on any standardized test and write a wonderful essay about your struggle with mental illness and your sexual orientation that will get you into any college in Europe if you dedicate yourself to it. I also advise you look into a college that likes it's art courses as well more traditional pursuits, I imagine based on your behavoiral patterns and post liking history that art is something you will find is much more enjoyable to you than you currently understand and will be incredibly happy if you make sure you get some college art experience (particularly with computer generated art). As for getting into a school that specializes in art and computer science, you have a rather unique experience and not only would you make a wonderful case study but I'm sure that the quirks of your life being expressed in an honest and eloquent way would easily set you above others with a higher GPA.
     
  3. FluffyLightFox

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    That sounds a lot like hyperbolic flattering, even if I believe it's genuine. I'm still very much against the idea of studying in Europe since I don't know that many languages and Great Britain is kind of a "no" for me (due to social and political mayhem going on over there).

    I guess since my mindset has been evolving in an almost flawlessly periodical way for a year and a half, I tend to get the feeling that I've been there before. Objectively speaking, I don't feel like I'm making progress in helping myself deal with my issues. Then, of course, not actually enjoying activities means almost everything I do becomes a burden so progress in most domains becomes a chore I'll forget about and not an achievement I'll remember, if that makes sense.

    I'm sure I'd enjoy a lot of things way more without the filter of anhedonia. There are days where I have no motivation to draw, and feel no happiness drawing. The past week or so has been like that (also draining due to high school).
    And, yes, art courses are also being taken into consideration. If I were unable to enter a university abroad, however, I'd have to study in an engineer school here, in France, and those schools don't have the kind of self exploratory curricular diversity that universities/colleges have.

    Not entirely sure what it all means but, again, it sounds more like unsolicited flattering rather than the opinion you're obviously stating. I'm sorry if that comes across as rude but I can barely handle compliments from people I know and am very friendly with, so when it comes to the internet stranger who knows me solely through my post history..

    PS: I'm getting insanely swamped and drained by high school. I don't have the time to code or draw any more. I'll probably not have time to come check on here, at least, not right now. I'm tired...
     
  4. Myclosetisfull

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    I know a college recruiter through my grandfather, and he claims legitimately look for people who have different than normal life experience and yours would honestly make a great psych essay (you might have a little more trouble as a foreign student in America, but we have this wierd cultural diversity worship thing in many universities and gay people get better college placements also; NOTE: maybe we are owed this though because of the suffering many of us endure in our lives for no reason, even if it seems abhorrent to treat people differently in this way in my viewpoint). Anyways, as an AP student in America, I can tell you that based on your diverse vocabulary and apparently strong dedication despite your depression you are a lot more impressive to other people than you might think. Most of Europe also speaks English, and many universities encourage learning multiple new languages. Anyways, I would guess that you could also study abroad in Canada or the north east US (schools in California other than CIT really aren't as impressive as they are made out to be, and they aren't even that well spoken of). Both Canada and the United states are much more diverse in their curriculum and opportunity exploration than you seem to believe the schools in France are and we have a very high emphasis (especially in Canada) on entry essays and standardized test scores over GPA (honestly why do they even look at your highschool grades when there are so many factors that influence it that are not really within the student's control).
     
  5. FluffyLightFox

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    It's only now that I find time to answer. Gosh.

    I'm still not sure exactly how to introduce this whole 'thing' to my parents though.. They have to get involved since abroad studies require tons of administrative papers, and they know I wanna study abroad (or at least they know I said I wanted to leave eventually), but it's just not the thing I can drop easily in a conversation (like "oh yeah by the way I wanna move out next year and go study ~7000km away"; side note : we have to move at the end of the school year).

    Also the fear of dying is getting marginally tolerable since I now have things to worry about in the short term, other than "my life is a one way road trip and I'm ceaselessly wasting my time". These days I usually worry more about "oh gods can I finish my assignment before 11PM? Will I have energy to do something but work tonight", or "I haven't drawn anything proper since high school started, my skills are eroding". It helps, although, mentions of anything related to death usually triggers a bad mental scheme of reflecting on the time spent these past few years and how time keeps moving at the same speed whether I want it to go slower or not. It either ends up with me terrified by the thought of "just a black void and suddenly you're no more" or "you still have time, don't think about that sort of stuff yet".
    On the other hand I'm getting 8 hours of sleep daily due to mental exhaustion... and I think I'm in a high phase... which barely reflects through my actions, aside from easy irritability when I see the pile of work I have to clear... self destructive patterns still present... I still find it unfathomable to tell people I'm queer even if the opportunity comes up, because languages... I guess... even though there are some cute guys in my class this year... I'm just saying...
    Gods I'm tired, I wanna sleep... but I haven't done anything but homework since I came home at 3PM... And it's just 10PM...

    I have many things to say about that but due to me spending 6 hours straight (lol, straight; also cf. aforementioned self destruction) this afternoon doing homework I'm practically incapable of forming coherent argumentation any more.

    Now I shall sleep. I have classes tomorrow. Tons of them. Way more than I want.
     
  6. Myclosetisfull

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    My life is the same but the problem is art... I can spend 4-5 hours a day on a single art assignment and not even know I'm now so tired I collapse into exhaustion and have to rush my other studied at 5am. Anyways, I still also seem to be not completely out, it hasn't spread like wildfire despite my best attempts, though there are certainly a lot of people that know, I don't think most of the guys I'm interested in are aware because they are outside of the normal artsy group that has seen my many drawings (my art teacher loves them lol). Somewhat surprisingly it can be extraordinarily arduous to make 200 people to become aware of something that at some schools would reach everyone in the campus of 2,000 in minutes.
     
    #6 Myclosetisfull, Sep 13, 2017
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  7. FluffyLightFox

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    I don't have such a unique life experience. "Gay guy is depressed but somewhat good at understanding computers" doesn't sound like a great resumé snippet.

    I actually imagine that it may be true but it can be said about a lot of people and I don't find it very true myself.

    I mean... I'd have to learn the local language eventually, but I'm already in the process of learning two other languages and I don't like the idea of trying to articulate the stubs of three different linguistic mindsets at the same time.

    (I got that sense, in a way)
    CIT is currently on my "very optimistic choice of college" list but, like, it's CIT. It's like if I tried to apply for the MIT. Not only does the name alone make it sound like it's gonna cost me a lot, but it's probably a project for thousands of other people who are way more qualified and have way more impressive portfolios and skills than I do. It'd be cool to actually go there, but that sounds painfully unrealistic.
    (... what about Stanford?...)

    ^ This
    I feel like my grades in mathematics, especially, are gonna get wrecked this year, and I'm not alone. The curriculum isn't really harder, we just have a teacher who is infamous for being the mathematical equivalent of a grammar nazi (and he expects a level of understanding and comfort with mathematics that I only imagine preparatory classes students having).
    Grades are somewhat subjective, at least when it comes to scoring by particular people with particular interpretations of the common core. In the US, you're more likely to get standardized tests, which don't really make that sort of considerations go into account, although a lot of other factors (well being of students, a teacher's capacity to teach and be understood, etc) I didn't talk about are still active behind the scene in the case of a US student.
     
  8. Myclosetisfull

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    I have grammar Nazi teachers in math always. -1/2 points if you don't write (g(f(x))= ... Etc... On every step of your work.
     
    #8 Myclosetisfull, Sep 14, 2017
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  9. FluffyLightFox

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    Notable update : after a small conversation in the car with my parents, well, my project is doomed, at least for right after graduation. Understandably they clarified to me that "no son of theirs is leaving this country while they're still a minor". Essentially I am trapped in France until I am 18, and I'll have to find somewhere to go to for a year or so, minimum.

    Welp... I don't know if I should just passively obey or throw out a tantrum..
     
  10. Myclosetisfull

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    You could leave without their permission for school. But, anyways, you can take general education classes at a junior college before moving off to somewhere to pursue your major. They certainly can't force you to stay once you are of age.
     
    #10 Myclosetisfull, Sep 17, 2017
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  11. FluffyLightFox

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    Nope. They have to assist for the administrative shenanigans, and I can't just leave and tell them "eff you" (also who is going to pay for those tuition fees?)

    I will be 18 in March 2019. Problem is, I'm graduating from high school in July 2018. I skipped first grade, so I'm a year younger than (almost) everyone, so I'm not 18 before at least a year and a half. What that means is I'm gonna have to waste at least a year somewhere in a school or something. My parents' recommendation so far is that I stay 3 years to prepare a license (something in between minor and major degree) and then go away to a college. I personally disagree, although they have pretty reasonable arguments (for example, if I want to go study in Canada I have to prepare my application at least two years in advance; but I still have not found anywhere to go except highly unrealistic colleges).

    I'll see how stuff goes. I have to have made my decision by March latest (some entry exams are in February, and some others in December, that's why March is "the last moment")... If I have decided on nothing... well... I'm out of the educational system.
     
  12. Myclosetisfull

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    Temporarily out. You always have the opportunity to start again at the normal age after having spent a year simply preparing applications and studying up for entry exams.