A difficult homosexuality to live with

I never thought that one day I was going to find out that I would prefer boys, even though I never had an interest in girls before, I didn't have one idea what it meant to be gay because that difference didn't never had a place in the society I grew up in. So I will list all the possible points that have a connection with my sexual orientation:



1- The revelation:

So I discovered my homosexuality not very long ago at the age of 18 and that through a pornographic video, even if I personally don't watch this kind of video but that's what allowed me to know my "true" sexual orientation. As if the universe was telling me: "don't you want to realize that you are gay?". I wasn't shocked, but I did feel a little weird. Until this day, I have never met a boy and I have never mentioned this subject to anyone else.



2- the society I live in:

I live in a country where being gay is punishable by a prison sentence, society radically rejects homosexuality, a very difficult subject to discuss even with those closest to you (especially if they are homophobic, like most cases) because even a gay is forced to submit to the traditional model, and the older you get the more the pressure is felt especially when you exceed a certain age. So it's a real dead end, I don't know how to live my life discreetly while concealing the doubts and suspicions of those around me and society, even if I intend to leave this country one day when I will have enough resources and go away from there, this pressure will still be felt, it's difficult to always hide this part of self.

Personally, I will never be able to have the support of anyone, even from specialists, because I have already had experiences with them for other themes (such as depression, giftedness) but they did not never understood, so I have to hide my sexual orientation at the risk of being mocked, verbally abused or even physically abused, so I live in constant fear. I carry a very heavy weight, not only i am different from others but also I feel constantly threatened, it really hurts to feel that on a daily basis.

This society that claims to be conservative and attached to its traditions, only romantic feelings between people of the same sex is considered against nature, as if hatred is completely natural and normal, a society blinded by many evils unfortunately.



3- my vision of things:

I can say that I am a conservative person even though I have plenty of faults and I always have to improve. Contrary to the environment in which I live, I am someone very tolerant and open-minded and I do not carry any hatred in my heart for anyone else, whatever their difference.

I admit that religious texts undoubtedly condemn the practice of homosexuality (sodomy), but to the limit of my knowledge I have never seen a text that condemns two human beings of the same sex who love each other, but hypocrisy is to instrumentalize religious values so that they are compatible with the attitude and vision of society to homosexuality. I can't understand why loving a person of the same sex is considered a crime and why killing a human being or making a war is much less serious than genuine beautiful love.

Why do I have to fight because of something that is part of my personality in the name of religious beliefs when I didn't even choose to be like that? why are we made to feel that we are always inferior, that we are excluded from the community until we "cure ourselves"?

A heterosexual person is not entitled to impose his sexual orientation on other different people just because this difference may be repugnant to him and/or because the majority of people are.

I like tea why do you impose coffee on me?

I am vegetarian why should I eat meat?

I like green why should i like yellow?

I don’t have the right to love and be loved by another person just because they are of the same sex?



3- I still feel like a child:

I still feel like a child and I don't like the idea of growing up or leaving childhood behind and the older I get, the worse I feel about myself because my chronological age does not correspond to "my psychological age" . Moreover, I had difficulty accepting the physiological changes that occurred in adolescence even if I still feel like a boy, I specify: the modification of the voice, the hairiness in particular the facial hairiness, the widening of the thorax and shoulders, Adam's apple or even the first ejaculations.

Also, at the time when I am writing these words, I have always kept my cuddly toy by my side since my childhood and I cannot separate myself from it. I admit, with some embarrassment of course, that I have been a diaper fetishist for several years now (I very rarely buy packages but discreetly).

The paradox is that I am called a mature person in relation to my chronological age.

I also specify that I prefer to have friends younger than me (say 15/16 years and more), on the contrary, I do not prefer to mix with people older than me although I do it, especially when I was younger I preferred to stay with adults. Even though basically I don't have real friendships and I've been isolated since childhood and my social interactions are very limited, or maybe my definition of friendship is much deeper than others. I don't know if this preference is related to my sexual orientation or something else. Now I'm in my early twenties, but in a few years I won't be able to make friends with people much younger than me.

I also add that it is sometimes difficult for me to take on certain "adult" responsibilities and that in no case do I intend to become a father even if I was not gay and when someone one even imagines me becoming it I become very angry.



4- the attacks/ harassment that I suffered:

Although there are some causes of homosexuality, the various assaults I suffered probably influenced my sexual orientation, the first time I suffered this abuse dates back to my adolescence. I was 16, I was in a bookstore when a man started saying words to me like: "my love I love you" and he kissed me by force, I was very shocked that when i went home i locked myself in my room and i started crying. I also suffered from this same person but also from another man touching 2 years later. I was also hit on by several other people, all of them are strangers and each time I felt so disgusted. When I find myself face to face with a person even if I already know them, I'm afraid of being bullied.



5- the person I want to meet:

When I'm on the street or even on social media, I'm often physically attracted to boys (often 15+ teens but not past my age) but I don't feel a certain "spiritual connection", so it's just a physical attraction nothing more, even if the physical potentially has its place. In a way I am very worried about myself because I am very afraid of wanting to harass young people in the future and to reproduce the same scenarios that I suffered.

Personally, I want to connect spiritually and emotionally with a boy and merge with him and form a single being, I often tell myself that there is indeed a compatible person but that our paths have not crossed yet, so it will be much more a reunion than a meeting. I'm very anxious not to be with the missing other part of myself, I don't want a relationship based exclusively on sexuality, although I may feel some sexual attraction.

I want to meet another spirit that resembles mine, another me with a better version, but also a version that does not have all my faults and that completes me at the same time, that has several points in common at the same time and shares the same values and passions than mine, who wants to undertake many things with me, a person who pushes me even more to develop myself, a guide, a support, a refuge, a person who accepts me as I am, who listens to me and understands me, makes me feel at peace and safe, who also brings me full of love, unconditional love and who "takes care of me and protects me". How I would like this person to be present in my life because I feel so alone and I am so anxious, often I can not concentrate on certain things because I suffer from it. I failed to make solitude a means of personal fulfillment.



6- A great need for tenderness:

I always feel a very great need for hugs, kisses, a simple word like: "I love you", for someone to caress me or touch me. This thirst sometimes pushes me to take my pillow and hug it.

In the evening, before closing my eyes, I always imagine that a boy next to me takes me in his arms, to feel the warmth of his body and to fall into a deep sleep and spend a peaceful night. I am often so anxious because there is this great void to fill and it hurts a lot to experience this lack on a daily basis. Sometimes I even have dreams the night a person gives me affection.



After reading all these points, what I would like to have/know:


1- get an analysis of my situation and get a point of view.

2- Is my attraction to younger people normal? Can this attraction disappear over time?

3- Is my desire to have younger friends related to my sexual orientation? can this desire disappear too?

4- can I qualify as gay even if I do not intend to practice sodomy? Or is there a more appropriate term for me?

5- can I meet this ideal person? If so, can I find her on specific dating sites with personality tests? Or is there another safer way?

6- Are my expectations and demands too high?

7- have some advice.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my words, I look forward to your responses.

I apologize if I was a little long.