New here, but if I am to be honest I find myself in a particularly odd position in life. See I am gay, of that I cannot deny. Yet in some weird and true manner I don't consider myself to be gay. Sex is not exactly the most pleasant to me with other men, oral or anal. Yet it's like a need. Kind of like craving some massive cheeseburger that will make you sick after you eat but you still want it. On the other matter, these feelings are a hindrance when it comes to forming friendships with men. Regardless of who it might be I can't help but having these feelings flashing before me and it makes interactions awkward. This sort of makes the whole gay coming out experience rather unpleasant for me. My first sexual encounter was in my car and even though it was mutually consensual I didn't feel good after it. I wasn't really forced into it on my later encounters, but the experience didn't match the burning craving I felt for it. Fast forward later on and my relationship to the community wasn't positive. No matter where I went in it I always felt like an outsider, having to put on a mask for other people or pretend. So coming out of the closet didn't help at all, in fact I think I just traded one for another. So present day, here I am. This aspect of me feels like a mark or lifelong illness/deformity. I dislike it only due to the experiences that blossomed from it. I know that inherently there is nothing wrong with it, and other people might differ. But not me. It just seems like something that, if I could snuff out, I would. But so far I just bear with it. Seems like all I can do really. Hence why I could really only describe this as a curious position that I find myself it. I'm not going to put hope or anything like that anymore, because to me hope is a belief with no evidence. I AM NOT suicidal though, I wish to make that perfectly clear. I like other parts of my life very much so, just not this aspect of it. Such is existence I want to say. But I guess writing this here means I want some kind of help,though I can't really say what that is now.
