So here it goes: When I was about 11 years old I started to realize my sexual orientation. I first thought it was just a stage I was going through. I did everything to think of girls instead of boys but it didn't work. There was no way to force this feeling away. I'm an identical twin and my brother kept talking about girls. I never felt like myself because I had to force myself to "learn" his opinions so I could take part in conversations about girls/chicks. I was also really worried that something was wrong with me mentally because me and my brother have the same genes but he was straight and I gay. I was always thinking wtf was wrong with me! (I've read a lot of reports about identical twins and I now know that it's normal that my brother is straight). At the time I was training martial arts with my brother and I was quite good at it if I have to say it myself (*brags* was in the national team *brags*). After I realized more about my true identity I felt less confident because I always thought what other people would think about me (I don't care as much about that anymore) and was drawn back. I stopped having intimate conversations with my friends, expressed a lot of hate towards gay people (which is kind of an obvious sign for a closeted gay...) and repressed all feelings of sexual desire. At the age of 13 I realized that this wasn't something I could block for ever. But I never had the guts to tell anyone especially because my father said that all gay people should be shot (he had asked my brother if he was gay and he answered no so he thought because we are identical that I was also straight). I became really depressed and the only thing that kept me going was school. My teacher told my parents to send me to a psychiatrist at the time but they just ignored it. I eventually quit the martial arts training at the age of 15 due to injuries (which I have recovered from now) and I felt that I had lost a way to express feelings with rage. I was encircled by negative thoughts, in my head, from my friends and even my family. I was scared and paranoid, I was never gonna tell anyone. At the age of 16 I rumbled down on a dating site on the web. Tons of guys sent me messages and I never had the guts to meet anyone (which is good when I think about it now because of pedophiles...). Eventually I made friends with a really nice guy who is still one of my best friends today. He told me to get out of the closet and was really supportive always. This was the first time in my life for a really long time that I felt accepted and it was an awesome feeling. I started to go to parties with him and eventually got to know a big part of the homosexual community of my country, which is kind of small. I thought that if someone would spot me I would reveal myself but it never happened. People just thought I was straight, even though I hung out with gays. I never told my brother about these friends and I always had to lie to him and my parents about my whereabouts and it felt really bad. At the age of 18 I started training soccer with a gay soccer team and the team supported me and made me feel accepted. I was really anxious about telling my parents at the time but I never actually dared. Let's rewind two years now. At the age of 16 I started in a new school and between the age of 16-18 I two times fell in love with two different guys in my class. It was not lust (I know the difference between love and lust ) and it was one of the toughest stages of my life not to be able to tell them. I was still really depressed and my mother had started to notice. At the age of 18 I fell in love with my best friend at school. I felt really bad when I realized it had happened and only wanted to love him as a friend but I couldn't cope with the feeling. A year passed by I never told him. We were actually so good friends that our friend relationship was kind of platonic. Finally when I was 19 my mother sent me to a psychiatrist. The worst thing was that he was her friend and kind of old. I told him everything and he advised me to stay in the closet until my thirties. I thought it was really weird and he didn't know anything about homosexuals and I sometimes felt like I was teaching him. I couldn't change a psychiatrist because my mother didn't know what was wrong so I sat up with him. He prescribed me depression drugs which I really didn't need and they just made me feel worse, at a time I barely had emotions at all. I decided to quit the drugs when I realized the doctor was using me as a guinea pig for a research and he had diagnosed me as bipolar which was so wrong. When I was gonna quit the drugs I called him and he said my body wouldn't handle it and then I felt really angry at him because he had made me addicted. I took smaller and smaller doses and eventually I quit the drugs and never talked to him again. I realized I was still in love with my friend it was burning my head from the inside. I decided I didn't want to feel like this anymore and told him I was gay. He was the first person I told it to that wasn't a homosexual and it was really hard because I hadn't really accepted myself yet. I also told him I loved him and I wanted him to reject me so I could feel like my old self again. He said that he was completely okay with me but it was really kind of awkward between us for like two months. The night I told him I was gay I went home, had a nervous breakdown and cut my wrist (worst day of my life). I had locked my room and just waited to die. My parents came home and tried everything to get in until they finally did. I could barely speak and told my mother I was gay and I was really confused about myself. She took all sharp objects away and told me she loved me and took care of my wounds. In the next few days she recommended electric shock therapy to me, hypnotist session and a conversation with a pastor. I didn't accept any of it and she kept telling me that she thought I was still straight. From this point my life started getting better. I went more out with my gay friends and one night I got really drunk and my brother picked me up from a gay bar to drive me home. I told him everything and he was really confused at first but when he looked back it answered a lot of questions he had about me in the past. He had actually thought I was straight the whole time. Eventually more and more people knew and I didn't really care. About three months after I told my mother I was gay she went to a medium. The medium told her I was going to marry a brown haired woman and have two girls. She didn't tell the medium I was gay and but at the end of the medium session she did and the medium said that it wouldn't turn out that way. Since then she doesn't believe I'm gay and she asks me every now and then if I'm sure. I was still in love with my best friend but we stayed friends and are still best friends today. Two months ago I met a guy I really liked and had a crush on him. I knew from the start that we weren't a match but it didn't stop my crush. We started a relationship and it was the best feeling in my life, for the first time I felt love from a person I loved (all the sex I had had until then was just lust (But I'm not a slut)). It's one of the strongest sensations I've ever had in my life. Neither of our fathers knew we were gay and one day he finally decided to tell his father who got quite angry at him. I told my father (my mother had told me he would kick me away from home but I knew I had shelter now) I was gay the day after and he only said that he wasn't really happy about it but he supported me nevertheless. I told my boyfriend I loved him, which was a mistake because gradually the feeling decayed until it was gone and I couldn't tell him I loved him anymore. I decided to break up with him because it was for our own good (this is a long story and I don't want to write it now). The breakup was like 3 weeks ago. Now almost everyone that needs to know knows I'm gay. I don't feel in love with my best friend anymore (because of the relationship), I just love him as a friend and I feel really content with myself. For one of the first times in my life I feel emotionally stable and I'm not paranoid or trying to hide anything. I feel free. Haff, 20 years old from Iceland.
This story has a lot of insane details...it seems you've had a tough time with this. It's so good you've come to terms with everything. I wish I had your guts and opened up; opening up seems to be the answer to everything (having not a thing to hide). I've recently fallen for one of my better friends, and I've been trying to get over it because she identifies as straight but it's IMPOSSIBLE. especially since we live together. good show man, keep it up
Thanks for the support. It really is a relief to be able to be yourself without boundaries - just let go
Out of curiosity, are you and your twin brother mirror twins? Like does one of you write with your left hand ad the other with his right?
No, I've never heard of that But when I think about it my hair swirls to the left while his hair swirls to the right. It's more common for gays to have the hair swirl to the left and gay people are also more likely to be left handed! Funny thing is that I know three other identical twins where one brother is gay and the other one straight. And btw. if one is gay there is about 50% chance that the other one is also gay which "proves" that it's in the genes (probably a trigger thing). If one of nonidentical twins is gay then the chance is only supposed to be around 10% that the other one is also gay - like the average.
This is a very large understatement, but woh, you've been through a lot! All I can think about is how strong you've grown over the years, it's really admirable. I take my hat off to you. And the whole gene thing is interesting; I have to agree that being gay or straight is down to genes, without a doubt becuse you can't make or nurture someone to be gay/straight/bi etc. It just proves that it's something written in stone (aka Genetic Makeup), a parallel being that you can't change the colour of your eyes, for example. I'm wondering where'd you get the whole left-handed, left-hair-swirl, chance-of-being-gay from.... Was it some sort of article? I would love to read it!
I remember there was an article about it in Scientific American but I can't seem to find it right away. I wouldn't take it too seriously though. I remember most of my "symptoms" indicated I was straight.
I can completely understand being depressed because you know youre gay and other people dont. I feel like I have to make sure that I say macho things just so people wont think I'm gay and ask me if I am. They have asked me in the past, but I always said no because I didnt want it to be true. I didnt want people to hate me just because Im gay but I knew they would. I didnt even know that being gay meant liking guys for the longest time, I just thought it was the most rude insult you could say to somebody. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, but the medication only made me worse. Im feeling depressed now, but Im hopeful that I will come out of it stronger.
You are courageous person. It is difficult to come out, it takes alot of energy out of you. Growing up in a family that don't think sexual orientation is dyanmic and yet fixed it is even harder to come out. Especially if they think it's illness...it's great that you have joined EC, it helps a lot, it's a place that we can be ourselves and not hide who we are.
Do you mean your left? Because my hair swirls to the left, my hair is always combed to the left, I'm left handed. I do everything with my left hand....
Yeah, left handed people are more likely to be gay and of course the chances grow when their hair follows the pattern... Just read the article :smilewave
Oh my gosh-that was an amazing story, I felt like I was watching a movie. You've been through a LOT-I think you need a hug! (*hug*) I was glad to hear that there was a happy ending. (*hug*)(*hug*)
Wow, I'm sorry for all the things you had to go throught. Growing up gay in Iceland must be pretty hard, it being a small country and all (I'd love to visit... I love northern countries from Groenland to Sweden ). But it's so great to see you're doing well now. Amazing story And I find it interesting to hear about a gay guy with a straight identical twin... different perspective.
