I decided to change my gender and pronouns on this site. It's nothing huge and I'm not sure that it really helps me in any way. I'm still questioning, just kind of experimenting with it. This is really the only place I feel comfortable doing so. I 'd like to bring it up with one of my friends who is non-binary, but I still haven't been able to work up the courage. I second guess how I feel a lot. ( Is that how a cis/NB person would feel?, Is that REALLY how I feel?, Am I misinterpreting/faking this? etc.) Sometimes NB feels like a good fit, other times I think that I am just a confused cis person. I think there is some discomfort being lumped in with men, there's definitely a little bit of an "ick" feeling when I hear someone refer to me as a man. I remember a few times in my life where I would see the way some men act and think to myself, "Ugh, men... wait a sec" lol. Maybe I'm focusing too much on negative aspects of masculinity. When I hear someone use he for me I'm not really sure it makes me uncomfortable, but I've definitely started noticing it more since I began questioning whereas it felt pretty normal before. I know that there isn't a test that can tell me if I'm NB or not, but I have taken a lot of the ones out there on the internet. One thing I've noticed is that when I get a result that leans more feminine or says that I'm not cis it kind of makes me feel good, but when the result is cis its a kind of indifferent feeling at best. I guess that is probably an indicator of something, I still don't feel like I can say anything for sure though. Sometimes I think I'm just a cis guy that wants to be non-binary for some reason.
Hi there! Changing your gender and pronouns, and even though it is 'only' here on EC, it is a big deal, in a good way. I think it shows that you are making progress and that you are probably more comfortable with your identity than what you are feeling at the moment. From what you have mentioned, it sounds like you have enough 'markers' to go on and to continue exploring, thinking about what feels right for you.
Replace "man" with "woman" and "masculinity" with "femininity" and I could've written this post myself. I hope that being out--even if it's just here for now--helps you figure out whether this feels right to you.
