A baby step

Believe me, I'm aware that my fiancé has orientation issues. That was never a question in my mind. I'd have to be a complete idiot or in serious denial if I were to think he is 100% straight. He had sex with men. I never judged him for that, in fact I've been really open-minded and supportive, always showing that I appreciate his honesty. That part isn't a real concern. I am just confused by the idea of being so desperate and out of control that he would seek casual sex with complete strangers. The fact that it was mainly with men just added to that confusion. I wondered what role the drugs played too. I'm pretty confident that those days are over for him, but the fact that i am bringing it up here means I obviously am a bit worried about it still. Thats because I am in completely uncharted territory. I was just asking if there was someone who had been in a similar situation as he was, or had similar feelings, that could shed a little light on whole idea so maybe I'd feel more confident in my conclusion. There's no need to speculate on what you think HE might do in the future. That of course is for me to decide.

I was doing a damn good job of accepting it all because it was his PAST and it's part of what made him the amazing person that he is. I had many worries but he has assured me that he only did those things because he was confused, depressed, desperate and on drugs; and since he wasn't any of those things anymore (mainly because of the way I make him feel) there was no need for me to worry. I believe him and he constantly reassures me of this, that's why I was able to leave it in the past and start moving on.

Unfortunately I don't know how we can keep moving forward now because there's a walking, talking piece of that dark past who may walk right into our present and try to reserve a seat in our future. Isn't just the extremely unstable feeling that this happened enough for me to have to accept? How can we leave everything in the past if there's going to be a painful reminder threatening to rip the wound wide open? Can any of you personally say that you'd honestly be able to do that? Would you also feel right asking your significant other to spend time with one of your blood relatives you've had sex with, possibly for the rest of their life?

Why am I the one who has to compromise their happiness when they were the ones who acted inappropriately? I never did anything to betray the family and if had, I wouldn't feel entitled to that family's love and trust anymore. Im not a saint and I've made plenty of mistakes but I know the difference between mistakes and a betrayal. A mistake is something you didn't know was wrong until you look back at it and then you learn from it and don't do it again. That's why what my fiancé did was a mistake, as horrible as it was. He wasn't in the right place to make the right decision and once he finally realized he made the wrong one, he stopped what he was doing. He learned and he deeply regrets his mistake. He pays for his mistake by carrying the extreme guilt and shame for his actions everywhere he goes. He had to confess everything to the woman he loves with the fear that he'd lose her because of it. He will be paying for his mistake for as long as he lives.

I admit that some of my anger might be misdirected. I hate being angry and I suck at it. By nature I avoid drama and conflict at almost any cost. I don't have the energy to spare. I do have anger toward my fiancé for what he did and for forcing me to sort it out pretty much on my own. However that is a separate issue and I'm working on it. Still, I believe my anger toward his uncle is completely warranted.
In my eyes and the eyes of my man, his uncle hasn't had to pay any price for his role. I mentioned an 'awkward exchange of words' between the two of them at a family gathering- to be a bit more specific, his uncle blamed him for everything. He took absolutely no responsibility for what happened and thus, shows no regret.

His uncle had decades (he's old) to learn how inappropriate an act of incest was before his nephew was even born. He didn't have other factors influencing his judgement. He was in a committed relationship, certain of his sexuality and out of the closet to supportive, accepting family and friends. He grew up with his sister, was there when she gave birth to my fiancé, and he watched him grow up. He knew his sister trusted him to never harm her son. He knew his nephew was very depressed and extremely vulnerable.

That's a betrayal, not a mistake. I can not trust or respect someone that would do that enough to be in his life, let alone OUR lives. If he was a decent person otherwise, and took responsibility for what he did then maybe I'd be able to adjust to having him present in our lives but this is NOT the case. He has proven to many people (my future father-in-law included) that he cannot be trusted. In case I didn't mention it already, my fiancé has also made it crystal clear that he never wants to see his uncle again, adding that he 'hates that douchebag' (hate is a VERY strong word in our home) I just wanted to clarify that. I'm not trying to break up a healthy family relationship. I'm not a selfish person. I want what is best for myself AND my fiancé. And I will state once again that has expressed a strong desire to resolve this issue too. Last time we talked about this he told me 'I will do whatever I meed to do to make this right.' We just don't know how to do it, and I don't know how to tell him that we can't make wedding plans until we do without breaking his heart.

As I mentioned, medical conditions have caused much uncertainty about my future. Its very possible that I might not have much life left to live, and I've let people stand in the way of my happiness way too many times already. I'm just not letting it happen anymore. At this point in my life, my and my fiancé's happiness is more important than a perverted old man's 'right' to see his 'family member.' If he cared so damn much about being part of a loving family, he would have been able to keep his pants on in front of his sister's son.
I don't have a huge problem with his uncle seeing the rest of the family (although it bothers me because I'm protective of my loved ones and he's not trustworthy) I agree that it isn't my place to stand in the way of those relationships. But I certainly do think It is my business who my fiancé and I are going to allow into our lives. If that really wasn't my business, then he'd have no business asking me to join his family. He has much more respect for me than to exclude me from that big of a decision.

I'm going to be his wife, a role I take very seriously. I'm going to be a good wife who spends time with their in-laws, not one who seems like an unfriendly person because she doesn't attend family events when in reality she is only trying to prevent a confrontation.

'But they were all adults at the time'
Yes, just barely. But what does age have to do with anything if one 'participant' is too impaired to consent?

'He was obviously enjoying himself or he wouldn't have returned.' That's not a great assumption. People repeat behaviors for so many reasons other than enjoyment. Especially when addicted to drugs. My fiancé also goes back to work every day and he HATES his job.

'With respect to the uncle, this isn't really as much your business as you make it out to be'
Again I have to disagree. I think that if I'm planning to be his wife, join his family and have his kids I have every right to say who is welcome in our lives. We are building a new life together and I need to be able to trust that my husband will protect me from people and situations like this in the future. Solving this problem and taking me out of this stressful situation is the only way I can trust that he will *respect me enough to keep me out of them in the future. Without that trust, I don't see how I could possibly be his wife. My fiancé wants to spend his life with me and wants me to be happy so my security is in his best interest too, believe it or not.

'it sounds like a pretty icky thing to do to have sex with your nephew...' 'Pretty ICKY!?' This was a traumatizing event for my fiance and it is causing an extremely disturbing dilemma that may effect the remainder of our lives so I'd appreciate if you wouldn't trivialize it by describing it as 'pretty icky'. Incest and borderline abuse aren't really issues that should be played down in a support forum either because it discourages the abused from speaking up.

'You seem to think that some kind of public confrontation is required which will send the uncle into isolation. That would allow you to attend family gatherings without feeling uncomfortable because he's there.' Please don't make me out to be a selfish person. I never once even thought of causing some big public scene. Im not trying to force anyone in to hiding, I just want him to stay away from my fiancé and I so we can start a new life together without him around serving as a painful reminder of a horrible time in his life. If I thought that a big confrontation was necessary I'd have done it already and I wouldn't be here asking for a better idea. I'm looking for a way that we can avoid him without having to avoid the whole family.
Your idea that I avoid the entire family so that I don't have to see his uncle is counterproductive. That's basically what I have been doing for two years. If I felt that my only option was to avoid the entire family, I would not even be considering marriage. The solutions I have considered are more along the lines of communicating through e-mail. I am trying to AVOID a confrontation and PREVENT future drama. I'm trying to clear the air, not pollute it.

I'm beginning to think I'm completely alone on this one, and I'm kind of regretting that I posted here asking for help. Because now I feel completely misunderstood on top of everything else. I feel I have been unfairly painted as the bad guy :tears: