36 but still can't deal with it

I know exactly what you mean with the pressure cooker environment. And I do agree that it is a 2-inch cliff, I just seem to lose it when I edge towards it.

An example is that my flatmate showed me a video tonight of a guy proposing to his boyfriend - it was just a really nice proposal and a lovely moment. He's straight (or, at least, in a relationship with a girl) but he's very supportive of LGBT issues and there was a perfect chance there for me to come out to a friend in positive way. But I just froze and then had to hide myself away. I'm still shaking now.

I've thought of several contenders of the first person to tell. And I know with all of them, with certainty, that they will be supportive. I just have this irrational response.

A deadline is a nice idea, it's certainly something I can try. Thanks for the suggestion.

 

I don't really think about guys (or girls for that matter). I mostly just miss my wife. And sometimes I have sexual fantasies about getting f*cked, which I play out by myself with toys. I wish I had some kind of vision for the future. At this point, I'm just trying to figure out how to get through each day as best I can without planning too far ahead.

 

I can relate to what you are saying 'cos I have been and still am in a similar situation. When I came out to myself and wanted to familiarize with the local LGBT scene, I would sign up for a meetup, go to the venue and turn back. Or I would RSVP "yes" and then back out at the last minute. This happened a few times until one time when a few people were also hesitating at the event entrance, and I finally found courage to make conversation. If not for those people, I would never had taken the first step. Having a friend helps. Being alone just needs much more courage to do something which you are fearful of.

The more you expand your experiences, I suppose it does get better. I thought of volunteering at a LGBT centre last year but did not go through with it due to time scheduling issues. At that time, I was also terrified that that would amount to my coming out publicly. This year, the same opportunity presents itself. I still have the same anxiety but it is less intense compared to how I felt last year. I hope I finally go through with it.

It takes time and small steps. We will eventually do it when we are ready. Or as Weston aptly puts it, when the pain of staying in the closet overwhelms the fear of coming out.

 

I can completely relate to how that kind of situation could arise - I can imagine it took a lot to strike up that conversation but it must have been such an amazing experience.

I hope that the small steps work. My main worry is that I've been up against this same brick wall for a long time now and it seems to get harder to climb over every day. But it is really inspiring to hear how people like yourself have made so much progress. Impressive!