So I posted a few years back but I'm still struggling with myself and who I am. I'm 34 and currently live alone. Anxiety and compulsive behaviours have been with me since I was a child, from the age of 11 I discovered porn and my usage has been on and off ever since, including serious binges. I generally start with straight porn before moving to gay, the arousal to the porn is very real. In my actual life I've only had crushes on women but at school I was so anxious and inept round women I never really learned the way of sex like most do. In my 20s I did enter a relationship with a woman who I truly loved, sex was often difficult for me though. Occasionally I could let the anxiety go and relax, it would be good. Then I met another girl last year, who I really found attractive in a way I probably didn't with the previous girl. Again there was anxiety around sex but when we did it, I loved it. Unfortunately that relationship ended and since then I've bene low. My porn use fluctuates, I also have issues with alcohol and my general body image (I pinch my body to check how fat I am, despite not being at all overweight). When I do go on porn binges I will inevitably switch to gay porn at some point and enjoy it. In real life I'm yet to feel a deep down attraction to another man as I have had with women. Obviously I could just be in denial though. I have been around friends of mine in showers etc n vwhich I would have thought might have triggered something? I'm pretty sure I do have some form of OCD as my thoughts are obsessive and I feel my porn/alcohol use is a type of soothing. But could it be that being gay is the deeper reason? If I am gay I'd like to embrace and it be happy/
Porn is not a reliable indicator of sexuality. Straight men watch lesbian porn. It can escalate and intensify to all sorts of stuff. When you sexually fantasize (without porn) is it men or women? Which is more intense? What can you do - and there are things you can do beyond medication - to deal with anxiety. Rather than try to label yourself or ruminate on sexuality try to find some healthy coping behaviors. I used to have super high anxiety. I have greatly reduced it by diet, exercise, and reading books on the subject.
Hi Mike rilly I can see your struggerling with this and I am no expert I can only tell you what got me through my struggles . Have you tried I no this might sound weird but try standing in front of a mirror look at your self straight in the eyes and say your full name like I'm....... ........ and I'm gay say it as many times as you like and when you get used to it do the same again but shout it out load as many times as you can that helped me exept who I am today along with other stuff . And the other stuff is write down on paper your feelings ,what your thinking and feeling all your thoughts and every week keep reading them back to yourself ,see if they are changing over time . I was anxious scared had women got married but the sex was hard for me even though had to kids and when I was getting these feelings for other men (fantasies) in real life I could not but once you start to exept yourself then these feelings come to you and you will start to feel better about yourself . Like I said I'm no expert but give it a try good luck take care
Hi! Sad to hear you’re going trough a hard time. Porn and alcohol could well be a way to compensate for lack of something in one’s life and can be quite tough to deal with, which I sadly know from experience. That you’re watching gay porn can mean something, or it can mean nothing at all - but it’s doesn’t define your sexuality in any way. You might be straight, you might be gay, bisexual or maybe bi-curious… Human sexuality is a spectrum. And your romantic preferences might not even match your sexual ones - there’s nothing wrong with that. If I understand correctly, you don’t feel attraction towards men, at least not the way you’re attracted to women. But is the thought of having sex with a man arousing for you? Without looking at porn, just fantasising about it?
Thanks for all the replies. In terms of non-porn fantasies, it's women. I can think about women I find attractive at work etc. I can't do that for a man. I've tried a few times, like picking guys I think most would think are good looking. Then again could this be repression? I've been on dates recently with women where I've felt arousal (even had blue balls from just one date). I've never felt it around a man. But then why does the porn arouse me? I maybe should have mentioned, I did see a therapist who suspected I may autistic too. I spend a lot of time 'maladaptive daydreaming' and not just about sex. I don't know how that would effect my sexuality. I do think my journey is not as clear as others because of all the other mental health stuff going on. I just want clarity.
Every journey is unique, it’s great that you’re making the effort and working to tackle your challenges. You’re the premier expert on yourself, but I can take a guess - maybe it’s not exactly the man you’re attracted to, but watching men having sex? There are straight people who watch gay pornography for its own sake, because they simply enjoy watching it - there’s nothing wrong with that either. You could simply try going on a date with a man and see how it goes, if it feels right or no - there is no obligation to have sex with them or even to continue the date past the point of feeling uncomfortable if that happens. Of course, if it’s an experience you’re willing to try and are able to do so safely. (That’s pretty much how I understood my own sexual orientation)
I think part of your (my past) problem... In our minds... We see ourselves as a sweaty, frothing porn addicts? And the more we do it, the more we feel that way inside? ...I don't feel that any more, though I used to; I feel normal and natural as I don't use porn. Try and forget a PC, tablet or phone... the best device for exploring your sexual fantasies is your own brain. Porn, I found, anyway, just creates and itch which you endlessly scratch... Treat yourself with respect (lights off, imagination on) and you'll soon start a far healthier and more natural relationship with your sexual feelings. You'll start to open more and more and see things you never knew about yourself before. Why not try limiting the booze too and, with the money you save, treating yourself to some nice sex toys also?
You talk about trying out a date. I recently travelled around Europe for 5 weeks and got a propositioned by a guy in a bar , I felt no desire to do anything at all. Even though in terms of no strings, nobody knowing it would have been the perfect opportunity. I known he might just have been a guy I didn't fancy but I thought I would have felt some curiosity. I wasn't horrible to him or angry, I just had no interest at all.
You should probably seek some professional advice, but this sounds like anxiety related and ocd like rumination. Porn escalates to all sorts of things people never imagine themselves liking. I don't see any natural attraction to guys and lots of natural attraction to women. When I was in denial about being gay, I would see posts like yours and wish I could feel like you do! Even when I was in denial, I would get natural fantasies about being with a guy.
Think about healthier things you can do to deal with stress and anxiety - and most of all stay out of the 'shame cycle' which keeps you going back to unhealthy behaviors.
Methinks you would feel something, if you’d want to have sexual contact with a man - even more so if you would be repressing it. I’d say consider following the advice @Searching2022 posted - you might just feel better afterwards
Sounds like you should probably knock porn on the head for a while, and see if that is what is causing you confusion rather than something internal. The bit that Searching has highlighted, it stands out for me too. Humans are not really wired to see hundreds of movies of sexy naked bodies at the click of a button and I think it does do strange things to some of us.
