(30M) Feeling trapped, desperate and wanting to try...

Don't panic. Nothing in your post is unhealthy or unusual, and you haven't done anything to be embarrassed about. But I can see why you're worried it could all spin out of control. So let's take it one step at a time.

Yes, this could certainly lead you to see gay sexuality as disruptive and unwelcome. Perhaps you're worried that you, too, will sabotage a heterosexual relationship by cheating on your girlfriend with other men.

But the first question you need to tackle is whether you actually do want sex with a man - or whether you're satisfied enough with fantasy and masturbation. If it's the latter, then there might not be a problem, as far as loyalty is concerned.

Lots of guys feel this way - sex with dudes is hot, but no feelings please ! It's so common that at least several slang terms have been coined to describe this. Do web searches for LGBT+ related jargon and you'll find them. Some guys feel the opposite way - they fall in romantic love with other guys but recoil at physical contact.

Is this about gay sex, or sex and hookups in general ? I've been looking at gay porn for 40+ years and have been sexually active most of that time - and I still find myself in gay situations - very ordinary, nothing extreme - that turn me off.

Maybe you can persuade your your GF to use a dildo on you ? Or full-blown pegging ? What if that turned out to be enough ?

Back to square 1. Sounds to me like you won't have any peace until you've decided whether or not real live gay sex is for you. The only way to answer this is either to have really good gay sex, or sex so appalling that you never want to see another unclothed male ever again.

You have only 3 choices - let your GF know, and ask her permission; wait until she is no longer in the picture; or cheat on her and hope that it gives you enough clarity to outweigh the guilt. Your subconscious and blind chance will sort it out eventually - but the sooner, the better.

 

You seem to have good insight regarding the reasons behind your issues with your sexuality: your father cheating on your mom with both sexes most definitely could have this kind of impact; even with one sex it would have been bad enough, because of the infidelity--but if you're finding yourself to be bisexual, it can lead to you believing (even on a subconscious level) that bisexuality is gross/shameful, and that by extension, so are you for experiencing these feelings.

I'm here to tell you that there is nothing wrong with your feelings/attractions, that it's completely normal, and that much of what you're experiencing (the cycling, the desperation, the guilt, etc.) are owed largely to having repressed it so much.

I definitely do not recommend infidelity, however, and I'm glad your conscious has thus far prevented you from giving into it. Being unfaithful might feel good in the moment; not because of the infidelity itself, but because of what you're craving--but much like the shame and guilt you experience, masturbating after talking to these other men, the actual act of sex behind her back would be infinitely worse.

So you have a choice to make, and much of it requires communication: firstly, if your girlfriend doesn't know about your sexuality, it might be prudent to fill her in, and to also fill her in on how you've been feeling of late. Be honest with her, both in how much she means to you, and in regards to all the conflicted feelings you're dealing with. Give her time to process the information, and make sure you engender a sense of trust; let her know you're not about to throw everything you have with her away on these fleeting feelings, but that you need them to be known so that they can be properly addressed. Once she's moved past whatever difficult feelings this evokes, hopefully she'll be open to further discussing things, in which perhaps you can come to some sort of agreement. Maybe you can have relations with a man (or men) once a month, once every three months, or even simply once. Maybe she won't be okay with this in the slightest--and if she's not, you have to decide if what you have with her matters most, or if it's better to cut ties.

Because at the end of the day? Infidelity will tear your relationship apart, whether she knows about it or not.

Give yourself some time to reflect on all of this: if/when to come out to her, how to do so, and then how to open up further about your current struggles. Be patient with yourself, be patient with her, and above all, be honest. That is the best advice I can give you, here.

 

My friend we seem to be living the same life. I need to have it with a man or trans women to see if this is for real. hang in there

 

You should be honest with her and if she's cool with you fooling around, go for it. Otherwise have integrity, and don't cheat or you can break it off with her and meet guys. Any other questions?

 

Hi Frustrated, you don't mention too much about your relationship with your girlfriend. How long have you been an item? How committed are you both? And, dare I mention it...how is your sex life? I know when I've been in a relationship when the sex has been good, I've had no reason to think about anyone else. Why would you?

Would this satiate your need for 'gay' sex?

Beware of 'grass is always greener' syndrome. A relationship that works for both parties is a precious thing.

Just my tuppence' worth.

Beth