I (29m) am in a relationship with an amazing girl. I love her to bits and things are really good between us. However, I can’t stop thinking about having sex with a guy. It comes in cycles, sometimes lots, sometimes not atall. I was curious when I was younger (18ish) and after my first girlfriend I met up with one guy to explore and bottomed for him, it was kind of meh and I enjoyed having sex with girls more at the time and haven’t done anything since. I think I might have some issues with my sexuality as it came out that my dad had cheated on my mum with both men and women when I was around 20 and this obviously caused a lot of tension and issues in the house. They stayed together, but have separate bedrooms now. I’m now nearly 30 and every now and then I get obsessed with the idea of having sex with a guy. When I lived alone I bought a dildo and a butt plug and experimented on my own and loved the feeling. I sometimes download ###### to have a look, knowing that I wouldn’t never actually do anything. Sometimes I see guys that I would like to sleep with. Other times I’m a little bit disgusted by the things I see or that people message me. I could never see myself in a relationship with a guy, but can’t get the thought of gay sex out out my mind. I never fantasise about topping, or even kissing a guy. Feeling a bit torn up by this and have been for a while. Any advice?
First off, welcome to Empty Closets! I can relate to what you describe. I spent a GREAT portion of my life in a similar state. Wanting to have sex with men, but not understanding why, especially when I found women SO attractive and desired to have romance and sex with them. What really ripped me up for most of my life is that those thought made me a freak, and or I was alone in those feelings. It took me awhile to figure out that firstly there are no wrong feelings. Feelings are individual and there is no right or wrong to them, they are feelings and it is okay to feel them. It also took me most of my life, I think because of upbringing and society norms I grew up in to accept me for what I am and be okay with it. Sometimes labels help to organize how you feel and to express how you feel, but do NOT let labels define you. Also, it is my belief labels and even feelings are dynamic and fluid, so don't feel that you have to maintain or be locked into what you define yourself as in this moment. I found the label Bisexual to be a comfortable fit for me and have given myself permission to be bisexual. I now accept that and am getting more comfortable with it. I am also married and have a son. I love my wife and love cuddling with her, romancing her, making love with her, and making a life with her. I also like men. I like to hang with them, drink with them, socialize with them, and have sex with them. I have no desire to make a life with them. I believe in mutual respect and compassion in sex with both men and women. I am not sure if any of this helps, but I want you to know you are not alone, you are not a freak, and what you feel is not bad, it is you. The perfect, wonderful, you.
Great post! I can relate a lot to this. Although I am like that and I feel like that. But I can’t take my friendship with guys any further. My married life must be monogamous. For the time being at least. Otherwise there will be no marriage. Your family is understanding. Mine isn’t and I live in a very conservative environment. Maybe one day things will change. I will try to work on some kind of compromise or solution of some sort. Or I will leave to start a new life maybe when my kid grows up. Great post! I can relate a lot to this. Although I have more work to do to reach that stage. But the way you wrote about it, makes me feel more optimistic about the future and the possibility of a different life. I mean other than a heteronormative one only.
To figure this out, you need to do further experimentation with men. Your attraction is too strong to ignore. Right now you can’t imagine yourself dating a man right now bc you’re still under compulsive heterosexuality where you think the best case scenario is dating someone of the opposite sex bc that’s what society tells you.
I couldn’t agree with is statement more. Society makes us afraid to express and even more so experiment with our same sex attraction. Compulsive heterosexuality is a curse for many of us as we start exploring and finally embracing homosexuality. Heteronormative programming makes us say things like I really like my girlfriend but secretly I lust after guys. We need to somehow break the chains of the insidious heteronormative societal programming to allow more and more men to be able to embrace homosexuality without guilt or shame.
frusturated.....Hello and a great big LGBTQIA+ welcome to Empty Closets! I can remember the first post that I made on EC. I was desperate for help and I got the help that night that I so needed. I hope that we can help you in the same way that I received help. The most important thing to remember about Empty Closets is that we do care about you! We're very glad that you found us here on EC and hope that we can answer questions, give you support and provide a place to vent (as long as it's not violent!) when that becomes necessary! *****There are 18 different sub-forums here that you can check out and join in the conversations or start your own thread/conversation. In particular you may want to check out the forum that is titled "Sexual Orientation”, there are people there who have dealt with some of the same kind of issues that could be challenging you. *****When you have made at least 10 posts on various threads you will be able to post messages on a member's Profile Page. Just click on a member's Avatar Picture and then click on "Profile Page" in the dialogue box that pops up. You'll then be on their Profile Page and there will be a box that says: "Write Something" When you have been on EC for a few weeks and have made at least 50 posts on various forums, you can apply for Full Membership. A Full Member can send Private Messages (PM) to other Full Members and share personal contact info. Right now you can only send a PM to a Staff Member as that is always possible. Here is a quote from the Full Membership information forum: *****To be eligible you must be a member of Empty Closets for a minimum of two weeks, and have a minimum of 50 posts. These posts must be across numerous forums (Fun & Games does not contribute to post count), and consistently posted across a minimum of two weeks. You wouldn't be eligible, for example, if you registered, had no activity for two weeks, and then returned to post 50 times on your 14th day of membership. *****Well, as I said, we're very glad you found us! If you have any questions at all, you can send me a Private Message. .....David
If you're planning to go outside of your relationship for sex, I think you should tell your girlfriend so you're not cheating on her. Then deal with whatever the fall-out is.
My advice - coming from someone with a few decades of living a lie - is to deal with your feelings and find out what you truly desire as soon as possible. In my 30's my sexual stamina began to wane (in conjunction with my testosterone levels). By the time I hit 40 sex with my wife - who I truly and dearly loved with all my heart - was non-existent. Don't live a lie, please be honest to yourself and explore whatever you need to explore.
Purple Yoda & All Older Men.....If you feel tired more and more and if your libido seems to be decreasing, please have your testosterone level checked. It might not have anything to do with testosterone, but often it does. That is how I felt and when my T level was checked it came back as almost undetectable. I now get a T shot once a month and it has made a huge difference. My energy level is so much higher and my libido is... It's an easy test and it's well worth it!! .....David
