27 years old and my experience is pathetic

thanx for ur comment.what u said is true.in nutshell i can say being gay is who we are .we do not choose to be gay.but we have the choice to choose the way we live.the perfect example is u and ur friend

 

so I'm a bit late to the party... but what else is new. :eek::lol:

One of the things that surprised me most when I first started reading/posting here (all of a month and a half ago) was how *not* uncommon it seems for some LGBT people to be pretty inexperienced with anything romantic or sexual at a relatively later age. Go ahead and add my name to the list. Hopefully OP and other people reading this can get some comfort in that.

At the same time, this hits close to something I'm trying to tackle lately. Why the hell should I (or you) feel bad about this? I'm not at all saying there are no things in life that people could and maybe legitimately should feel bad about. If I consciously act in a way that I know will hurt, damage or inflict harm on someone else, I'm going to (hopefully) feel awful about that and deservedly so.

But a lack of experience? Just because it isn't *normal*, I should mentally torture myself about it and feel unworthy and insignificant? Why?

It's similar to being gay in the first place. I didn't do anything to anyone. In the case of being inexperienced, I quite literally did not to anything to anyone. :lol: Why do we allow society this type of power over us that let's them beat us down over stuff like this that says nothing about the content of our character or our worth as a person?

Screw that. I'm taking the power back. You (collective you for society/and individuals to whom it may apply) don't get to make me feel like crap about things that aren't even bad or wrong, but rather just facts. You don't get that power any more. There is nothing wrong with me, and nothing you can say will affect that.

If *I* decide I'd like that inexperienced thing to change, then I might take steps to try and make that happen, but it will be because it is what I want, and will have nothing to do with trying to do what is expected of me, or trying to become more acceptable/worthy/whatever. In this moment, right now, I'm just fine the way I am.

 

and here's something you might not have considered. that some of us with a LOT of experience might be happier if we didn't have so much. Perhaps it is a matter of the right experience. quality over quantity? when looking at the span of a lifetime, why should we think that the quality experiences will come out the beginning, and not later on?

 

:eusa_clap BRAVO! I love this kickass response! I have been dealing with the same feelings but think I am going to do my best to adopt your attitude! Thanks!

 

(*hug*)

 

Are you worried about what your future "experience" partners will think of your inexperience?
Most of them will actually see it as a GOOD thing.
There's a fair bit of promiscuity out there and finding someone (e.g. you) who is not hellbent on getting to their 100th shag would be refreshing.

 

I'm 27 and still in the closet... and feel just as you do, like my time has passed already. As much as I want to come out, I can't do it openly due to life/job circumstances... and it sucks.

 

Hi, ScrewedUp and thanks for the post. I mainly want to echo what some others here have said. I certainly do not think you are pathetic. In fact, I think it is very, very important for us not to use this kind of cruel language toward ourselves. For myself, I can almost always recognize those voices in my own head who say such things as my own internalized homophobia. We leech the power away from homophobia when we do our best not to let those words enter our mouths (or our typing fingers!) at all. Instead, I would use some other adjectives to describe you. You are BRAVE and COURAGEOUS for posting here. I hope you can love yourself enough to use such positive adjectives. I hope you can tell a different story about who you really are!

Thanks for the post!

 

thanks for saying that TM2C!!! I need to keep hearing that. I have lived hating myself for so many years that I just need to keep having that message reinforced. I know that I am my own worst enemy. Before, I hated myself for being gay, for not being good enough to live a straight life. It has been a long, hard journey from there to where I am now, happy and grateful that I am gay. but now I can can beat myself up for not being straight, or for all the people that I will hurt in my life either by staying in the closet or by coming back. it's hard clawing out of that dark place, fingernail by fingernail. your words reinforce a message that I need to keep hearing. and I may not be the only one??? (or am I?)

 

I can almost totally relate to you. Just came out of the closet a little over a month ago and I'm 29 years old! Totally inexperienced, never been kissed, just kept myself busy with work and hobbies. I've only came out to a few close friends and relatives. I want to date, and hopefully begin a relationship, so now i'm beginning to move forward and i'm telling my friends to see if anyone in their social network knows of any potential dates. Thank you screwedup for starting this thread and to all fellow members who gave their advice on the situation. I'm hoping for some positive changes soon for me and to everyone else that can relate.

 

Same for me! I'm 27 and just as much inexperienced as Regacter.
I can't offer any valuable advice, then, but I want to thank you for sharing, ScrewedUp, and for being brave enough to come out about it in this forum (even if it's not a real-life situation, it still takes a little dose of courage, doesn't it?)

 

I think a big part of the reason we feel so embarrassed and ashamed about being inexperienced is that there's such a stereotype that gay men are promiscuous, sleep with a different guy or guys every night and so on. Some gay men ARE like that, to be sure. And some straight guys go through women like sticks of gum too. But you're not required to do the same, and there's no shame in taking your time. Personally, I would have a hard time hooking up with a stranger because of some trust and abandonment issues--I have a hard time trusting people on an intimate level, so casual sex would be a rough thing for me at the start, and I fear being abandoned, so being a throwaway sex partner would mess up my mind too. So monogamy and minimal experience works very nicely for me! That's just who I am, and I've stopped being ashamed about it.

Although I was interested in guys all my life, it took until I was in my 50's to be comfortable with it. My experience consists of a couple near misses with girls and one guy in college, my wife and my boyfriend. That's it, at age 53. And at 42, his experience consists of some playing around and experimenting as an adolescent, a college boyfriend, his wife and me. We're both fine with that. Sure, I had porn-like fantasies about groups of guys or random hookups. It didn't work out that way, and really, it wouldn't have been good for me emotionally if it had. Either way, it's never too late unless they're shoveling dirt over you, and if someone objects to your lack of experience and laughs at you for it, are they really someone you want to be involved with anyhow?

 

my experience has been more like what CB describes as his porn fantasy, with lots of guys, lots of hook ups, and even group scenes with many many guys present. it has all been fun, but a bit scary for a lot of reasons. for a time, I thought that it wasn't because I was gay, it was because I must be a sex addict. I even attended an SA group for a while, but I realized that wasn't my issue. My issue was that I was gay and in denial, and when you keep a lid on something with that much energy, it can explode with that much energy. I think it is really beautiful when guys with not much experience can connect and have a relationship with other guys with not much experience. the more out I get, the more I tend toward relationships. And while I don't say that one way of being gay is "better" than another (which plays to my internalized homophobia), I can say that as I have got more exclusive with one partner, my desire to be the flaming whore diminishes. funny how it never worked like that by having a committed female partner. do you think that might be becase I'm gay? LOL! :lol:

 

Not Pathetic at ALL, if the chorus of voices that have already posted is to be believed.

I came out at 25 but didn't get any experience until this past summer. I am 27 as well... It's like a lightbulb turned on in my head and I went from 0-60 in a week. I ended up fooling around with three guys in as many weeks (it was pride month by the way) and the last of which I have been seeing ever since! We've been together 6 months and have already met eachother's families.

So, don't let my gushing turn you off, I am making a point here... Before that month last summer, I was ashamed of my inexperience and felt like coming out had been pointless since I had nothing to show for it. I felt lonely and unloved, and like I wasn't worthy of anybody.

Then suddenly... I decided I was. And so did everyone else apparently. Point is; when you're ready, it will happen. There's no specific timeline, and no guidebook to tell you how or when, but it will happen.

You need to make peace with yourself, the more time you spend thinking you're pathetic is time that you'll never get back. Just know though, 27 is still so young and you are NOT late to the party! If my boyfriend, who I met in a conservative town in the Southern US, is any indication... It is so worth the wait!

Good luck, and we all believe in you!

-The Seeker

 

ScrewedUp, you are going to be OK ,take a deep breath and try to relax a little please .I just came out my self and I have since had my first kiss and I am 40 its OK we all move at different speeds ! So I think you will be awesome once you find your grove so look out everyone !! Have a great day !

 

I think part of it too is that at this age, a lot of our friends are getting married and having kids. At least that's happening to me. I've had friends that have been dating and learning to interact in relationships since junior high and high school, and I used to be so afraid I'd never learn to function in a relationship because I missed out on that (still feel that way sometimes, but I could hardly manage to have friends). I was also afraid I'd never be able to interact normally in a sexual way. I only lost my virginity earlier this year, and although there was a bit of a learning curve for me, it's worked out just fine. This past year was a whirlwind for me of coming out and making friends and exploring my gay side. I was sort of amazed at how fast a person could grow and change for the better, even into adulthood. By no means is it too late.

 

just give it a few years, and they'll all be getting divorced and getting remarried. or getting divorced and coming out of the closet. or not getting divorced and being miserable. or living more or less happily ever after, yes, but that isn't everyone. seriously, we all have some level of struggle. :tears:

 

I can totally relate to this. I was getting depressed and couldn't really function back in July. It was a very dark period for me.. I feel very ashamed to admit this, but i went back to the closet a couple of years back bc I got so afraid that by telling my cousin im gay would end up with him eventually telling his dad and then somehow his dad relaying the information to my mom.. So yeah- i took it back and told my cousin i was just confused. Then this past year when I visited San Francisco For Pride weekend (I lied to my friends and family and told them I was visiting a cousin.. I know.. I lied- shame on me) I had a flashback of the last 5 years when my friends, family, and relatives were dating, out having fun, and then eventually they got engaged, then married, then first baby, etc. i felt left out. I work as a nurse, and a lot of my female coworkers ended up being my friends, a few of them my closest friends, and I remember back when we all started working together, we would all go out on our days off, then they would all keep asking me why a good guy like me is still single and ask whats my type of girl and try to set me up on dates. I would lie about the type of girl I liked and end up telling them not to set me up and that the right girl will eventually show up sooner or later.. All the lying, hiding, and seeing everyone i know getting into a relationship and starting a family got me thinking- i want to be happy too like them.. i'm getting older.. I'm not getting any younger.. I don't want to end up being alone.. Thats what scared me the most- ending up being alone. I came back to this forum again and read some very helpful info and stories of other members going through the same thing. I came out again, this time to a couple of cousins and a few close friends a little over a month ago and my plan is to tell my 2 brothers (I'm the middle of three) next weekend when i take them out for dinner. So far, its getting a little bit better for me and hopefully it will end up getting a lot better for us experiencing issues at this time.

Sorry for the side story about me, i felt like i needed to post this.