25 years of questioning

Hello, everyone! I’m new here, and I’m hopeful that I will be able to begin to figure out what I've questioned and been confused about for several years. Throughout my adult life, I’ve pursued relationships exclusively with women. I was married for 12 years and then was in an on-again/off-again relationship for about 8 years. However, since around age 20, I’ve occasionally fantasized about sex with men. These fantasies have become more and more frequent over the years. I grew up in a small, conservative town that was not at all welcoming to the LGBTQ community, and while my circle of friends and immediate family were a bit more open-minded, being gay was still something to be ridiculed. If I ever had any thoughts of experimenting, they were quickly pushed aside.

I never really questioned my attraction towards women when I was younger, and I simply dismissed my fantasies about men as just a passing phase. However, when I moved in with the woman who would later become my wife, I lost interest in having sex with her even though we had only been dating a few months by that point. The fantasies of men persisted, although they were sort of in the background.

Several years later, we moved to a larger city and divorced amicably shortly after. I dated several women and had little trouble with my sexual urges towards them at the time. However, by that point, the fantasies of men had grown quite a bit more frequent. I decided to make an attempt to explore this by creating a profile on a couple of gay dating apps, but I kept deleting my account after a few days only to try again a few weeks later. For some reason, I was scared to go through with meeting a guy. Also, I found most of my interactions with the guys on there off-putting. Nearly all of them were looking for an immediate hook-up, but being rather shy about the whole thing, I was really just hoping to find someone to hang out with and maybe eventually have sex with once I’d gotten to know them a bit.

I did eventually meet one guy on there, and while I didn’t find him particularly attractive physically, I appreciated that he was patient with me. Eventually we did have sex, but I panicked afterwards for some reason and didn’t keep in touch with him. However, we reconnected a couple years later and had another encounter and then again on two occasions a couple of years ago. I have since lost touch with him again. I fear he grew tired of my flakiness. Anyway, for some reason, I could not bring myself to kiss him during any of the times we were together. I’m not really sure why. I thought maybe that meant I’m not really attracted to men, even though I thoroughly enjoyed the experiences, especially the last two times. I have made several brief attempts to meet other guys on dating apps, but I tend to chicken out for multiple reasons.

Since then, I’ve tried to date women, but I find that I have a more difficult time having sex with them. I’m wondering if it’s because I’m not attracted to those particular women or if women in general just don’t interest me. I can’t remember the last time I’ve fantasized about a woman. It’s been several years. But when I’m in public, women tend to catch my eye far more than men do. In fact, it’s sort of rare for me to notice an attractive man. The interesting thing is that when I do notice a guy, I tend to feel arousal, whereas with women, I tend to feel perhaps a slight desire to spend time with them but not necessarily to have any sort of sexual experience. Another thing I’ve noticed is that all of my friendships in recent years are with women. I haven’t really had any male friends since moving to this area ten years ago. I’m not really sure why that is. I always seem to find myself in school or workplace situations where most of my classmates or co-workers are women.

A few months ago, I started a relationship with a woman, but once again, I’m finding myself quickly losing interest in her. Again, I’m not sure if it’s simply because I’m not attracted to her or if it’s something else. At this point, I have to concede that at the very least, I’m probably not straight. At one time, I thought that my same-sex fantasies were just a passing fancy and driven by the fact that such things are/were considered taboo, at least in my hometown growing up. But I feel like after 25 years, I can no longer believe this is the case. So now I’m wondering if I’m bi or if I’m actually gay and have repressed my true desires out of fear.

 

I think you make a lot of valid points. It’s entirely probable that I’ve allowed shame to cause me to repress my true inclinations. I would be mortified if anyone I knew found out about these fantasies or the few same-sex encounters I’ve experienced. Over the last few years, I’ve been able to admit to myself that I’m at least a little bi, but I believed I preferred women. If given two appealing options, obviously I would choose the one that would spare me embarrassment and from feeling judged negatively.

I’m noticing a bit of a pattern in my life over the last few years. Six years ago, I ended a toxic relationship with a woman that lasted about four years. After that, I seemed to go through this cycle of trying to date other women with unsatisfying results, taking tentative steps toward exploring my same-sex attraction only to quickly abandon them, and then trying to reconcile with the ex-girlfriend.

When I tried to date women, I found they fell into one of two categories. Either I found them physically attractive but not very interesting, or I did enjoy our interactions but did not find them very attractive. A few times I tried being in relationships with women in the latter group. For the first few weeks, I would feel very drawn to these women, but I always suddenly lost interest at around the six week mark, and I would eventually end the relationship. I assumed it was because I was lacking confidence and only trying to date women I knew wouldn’t reject me. Also, people have told me I had valid reasons for ending these relationships that went beyond me simply losing interest.

There were also a handful to times when my ex-girlfriend and I had brief “relapses.” She was the one woman over the last several years I did not lose interest in. It was a very unhappy and unhealthy relationship though. But my ongoing attraction towards her seemed to offer proof to myself that I’m bi and not gay. However, the guy I had my few encounters with suggested that the only reason I kept letting her back into my life was because it provided a distraction from facing the truth about myself.

Then there were brief phases when I would try to meet guys on dating apps. For some reason, I couldn’t bring myself to send anyone the first message. I had to wait for them to message me. In nearly every case, it was from someone I didn’t find attractive, or it was someone who almost immediately asked for sex. I would get scared and delete my profile. Then I would reject the whole notion I was anything other than straight. After all, I noticed attractive women in public all the time but rarely noticed men.

Also, I’ve always felt more comfortable and felt a stronger emotional connection to women. As I said in my first post, nearly all of my friends over the last ten years have been women. I’m not really sure why I haven’t had guy friends. I used to tell myself it’s because I’m not into the stereotypical guy things like sports, but I wonder if something about them intimidates me, like I fear them rejecting me as a person. I tend to feel more anxious when talking to the few guys I work with. I have a difficult time picturing myself in a romantic relationship with a guy, but I guess it’s possible that the shame is keeping me from letting that scenario float around in my mind.

As I said, I’m currently in another one of those relationships with a woman that I’m losing interest in. We’ve actually known each other for a long time, so I had high hopes this one would be different. The big problem right now is that we’re currently in the process of moving into a house we’ve rented, and I’ve hit that point once again where I’m losing interest. I feel compelled to try to make an effort to make it work, but I know I’m probably fooling myself. I’m not sure what my next steps should be.

 

Thanks for the input, everyone. It’s really given me a lot to ponder the last few days. I guess I’m not quite fully convinced I’m not bisexual rather than gay, but I’m opening up to that possibility that I am indeed gay. Honestly, it was only in the last few years I’ve been able to admit (if only to myself) that I’m at least bi after years of denying obvious signs I’m not straight. I still figured I could just keep my fantasies about men a secret and that eventually I would find the right woman.

I believed that until very recently after getting into yet another relationship with a woman that feels empty and forced. Over the last couple of years but especially over the last few weeks, I’ve been asking myself why do I quickly lose interest in nearly all of the women I try to date? For the last few years, I had been telling myself it was because I only tend to date women I’m not really all that interested in in the first place due to a lack of self-confidence. But do I just tell myself that out of denial? Is the truth really that there really are no women I would be interested in and further attempts to date them would all end the same way no matter who it is? I’m just confused because I don’t recall having difficulty maintaining interest in women when I was younger.

Are these fairly common thoughts to have when coming to terms with one’s own sexuality? Am I just deluding myself into thinking I’m bi? Honestly, the thought of coming out seems utterly terrifying, if I am indeed gay. But oddly, on some level I sort of want it to be true, maybe just because it would explain a lot of the difficulties I’ve had.

 

It’s been nearly a week since I posted. I’ve been busy with various things going on in my life since then, but I’ve had a little time here and there to read about other people’s experiences on here and to contemplate everyone’s input following my initial posts.

The other day I had a moment where I thought to myself, “Who am I kidding? I’m gay.” It felt fairly obvious as I was typing the words of my initial post. I’d never really allowed myself to “verbalize” those thoughts before, at least not to that extent. It was both scary and liberating to get those words out. I see a lot of other people who realize they’re gay later in life experience a lot of the same internal conflicts I have.

I asked myself what I would do if I somehow ended up living somewhere far away from all the people I’ve ever known, and without even needing a moment to think about it, I realized just how much my shame and fear has kept me from accepting myself. I suppose I should have known I was gay years ago when I kept taking those online sexual orientation tests and feeling disappointed if they concluded I was anything other than gay.

So my next dilemma is what to do now. I don’t feel particularly comfortable sharing this information with everyone just yet. The fear and shame aren’t going to go quietly and quickly, I suppose. I feel like I should try to get know other gay people in the area (through other means besides dating/hookup apps) and see where that leads. I’m not sure how to go about doing that though.

 

Wow! It’s been two years since I posted all of that. It’s interesting to see where I was at in regard to accepting my sexuality. Certainly, my attitude has shifted since then. I’m still questioning things, but you’re probably correct that I’m most likely bi with a very strong preference for men. It’s been years since I’ve found myself fantasizing about a woman though.

How am I feeling today? To put it simply, not great at the moment, but things will improve eventually.

 

I read some of your posts on other threads, and I see that you've spoken about having OCD. I am certainly no expert on that topic, so I can only make an uneducated guess how much of a role that plays in questioning your sexuality. Based on what you've posted, I don't see any reason to believe that you are a lesbian. Maybe you're bi. Maybe you're straight. Try not to compare your experience to others on here. Just because someone with a similar sounding experience identifies as gay or lesbian, your experience and your interpretation of it is unique to you and not incorrect. If you feel in your heart that you are bi, then go with that. If, later on down the road, you feel that label no longer suits you, then you get to decide for yourself how you identify.