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1st born son gay, how the hell did this happen.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by bdman, Oct 11, 2011.

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  1. bdman

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    Hi everyone,

    I've been doing some reading, continuing my education and read that gay males are more likely to have older brothers. The more male births a woman has the odds of the next male being gay increases.

    Well I'm the first born of 5 kids, and have 3 younger str8 brothers. Why am I the one who is gay. The least one of them could do was be gay too. (that was just a stupid joke)

    You know, I feel that being gay already puts me in the bottom few percent away from normal human beings. The more I research, I feel I'm in the bottom few percent away from the norm in the LGBT community. My personality, hobbies and what I want out of life... It's all very depressing.
     
  2. What exactly is "the norm"? You mean you don't feel like a stereotypical gay?

    Psh, stereotypes.
     
  3. jake v

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    Haha well I would like for you to look at most people on here and find out the type of people we are. Almost no one fits the "normal" gay stereotype. I love football, motorcycles, working on cars, shooting and my bible, does that sound like the norm? No but that's what makes me, me. Don't sweat the small stuff, just take it slow and find yourself. No one is looking for a jello mold of a stereotypical person, so being different gives you an edge.
     
  4. Kidd

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    "Normal" is overrated, trust me. You should aspire to be more than "normal."
     
  5. bdman

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    Yeah, I guess. I'm just stating to come to terms with it in my 30's that's a little unusual. Most people here are much younger. I also feel my personality, hobbies and dreams are a bit different from what I've encountered so far in the LGBT community. I think I made a mistake taking this path of discovery and would have been much happier continuing to lie to myself and suppress my feelings. Dealing with this is painful, and it seems unlikely that any good can come from it. I am feeling down and just venting I suppose.

    ---------- Post added 11th Oct 2011 at 05:17 PM ----------

    thanks,
    I'm athletic and into sports but also a mathematics/physics nerd. Those two things don't go together and throw gay into the mix and you get me I guess.
     
  6. Katt

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    Hello TenBadd70!

    There are a lot of stigmas against homosexuality floating around in the world right now, but let me ask you this, do you like who you are? Well that's all that matters! Yes, being homosexual is PART of who you are, but it, in no way, defines you. People don't see me walking down the hall and say "Hey, there's Katt! That bi chick." noooo wya. They're way more likely to say "Hey there's Katt! That crazy chick with really nice things to say, and sharp wit". You know why they're more likely to say that? Because it's who I am! And you are who you are too, gay or not. There is no person that is any more of a person, then anyone else. No one is more human, nor less human than the other. We are all, more or less, PEOPLE. Members of the LGBT community aren't the "bottomfeeders", there's no reason that they should be, or that people should see them that way.

    Please, take pride in who you are! You are beautiful! [Cause baby, you were born this way]
     


  7. I thought I was figuring myself out too late too and I'm not even 20 yet.

    One thing I've learned is that comparing yourself to others will never satisfy you. You are unique and meant to be that way (please excuse the corniness :wink:).

    Lying to yourself might make you happy at the moment but will not keep you happy in the long run. It may be painful now, but it will get better. If you're feeling down, well then, you can only go up from here right? :slight_smile:

    And, venting is good! I find it's relieving to get it all out instead of keeping it bottled up.

    (Sorry for my mess of structure. I seem to jump from topic to topic and while it makes sense to me, some people have a hard time following lol.)
     
  8. jake v

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    So you are a smart guy who likes to play sports and be active. Man tough luck having two awesome traits rolled into one. Its hard enough to have people in this world that is one or the other. Its gonna be hard on you having a totally desired personality.
     
  9. Ridiculous

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    What, seriously? And you're complaining that you are these things?

    They sound like a perfect combination to me.
     
  10. starfish

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    I'm also a nerdy, athletic*, first born, gay male. I've never really given it a second thought, it is just who I am. So what I don't like going to the clubs every night, getting drunk, and what not. I have friends that do that, I have friends that read physics textbooks for fun, I have friends that live at the gym, I have friends that have all other kinds of traits. It is just who we are.

    In my opinion there are only two kinds of people in this world, asshole, and not an asshole. If you're not an asshole you won't have problems fitting in and making friends.

    *Ok ok I will be again once my back heals up. My physical therapist cleared me to walk for exercise. YAY!!!
     
  11. J Snow

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    I'm the first born in my family. I only have sisters though. I do remember being kind of bothered by hearing that the first born was the least likely. It made me second guess being gay, but silly little things like that made me do second guess myself fairly often, as little sense as that makes.
     
  12. Browncoat

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    Sounds like your research methods are a bit off :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:.

    Ha, in all seriousness though, I get where you're coming from. Four months ago I believed much the same thing - "Oh, how is it that I'm gay but fit none of the stereotypes? It's going to be so hard to find another gay nerd! Woe is me! :frowning2:" Then I came to this site and just recently attended my first QSA meeting at my college, and it seems like, if anything, there are more nerds in the LGBT community then there are in the straight community.

    I mean, really, you should see the majors and/or careers of the gay guys at my QSA: Biochem, Biotech, Computer Science, Math majors, Physics majors, Industrial Engineering, Civil Engineering, Chemical Engineering, every other engineering discipline in existence, Pre-Meds (myself in that one :icon_bigg), and on and on. Sure, there's one Interior Design major that represents "the stereotype." But guess what? He's outnumbered 30 to 1 :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:. Oh, and did I mention that most these guys came here for the awesome recreation/outdoors as they much as they did for the strong engineering/sciences programs? Plenty of athletic types among them (in fact I feel quite out of place with all my flab..even though I do enjoy the outdoors I've never been one for muscle..). So, don't worry about fitting in, bud. You are far from alone.

    Btw, don't let the fact that you're in your 30s discourage you from joining up with some college LGBT groups. Plenty of older people hang out at these too (25+ folks probably make up around a quarter of my school's QSA), often doing the same as you: meeting other similar LGBT people around their age to hang out with (and possibly more).

    And also, with the birth order thing:
    1. These studies are, as always, merely correlational. Yes, it does seem like the more male children a women has, the more likely it is for those children to be gay. That doesn't mean it's that way with everyone or even that researchers know why this is the case (there are theories, but they haven't proven why.).
    2. There are many theories and many potential reasons cited as to why children are born gay. Even though a correlation has been established with birth order, it's not the only theorized cause.

    ^ I figure you already knew those, but I thought I'd throw them in :slight_smile:
     
  13. Lexington

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    Demand a do-over.

    Lex
     
  14. bdman

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    Funny, I have bad back too. Mild L4/L5 disc rupture. Went through physical therapy a couple of years ago.

    ---------- Post added 11th Oct 2011 at 07:11 PM ----------

    Thank you everybody. I appreciate your comments. When I get depressed, I can also be a little irrational. I still have a lot to learn.

    take care
     
  15. RaeofLite

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    I wonder if that theory is the same with females being gay... if the youngest has a higher chance of being lesbian than the older siblings. If so, then I go against that grain too by being the eldest.
     
  16. J Snow

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    Every time I've heard about the studies, they have simply said that they were done with males and that the research has been done with females as of yet.
     
  17. Jim1454

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    Hey there. You just need to spend more time hanging out here. You'll learn that gays come in all 'shapes and sizes' and that we're as unique as there are people on this site. We're all different. Just like all straight people are different. EVERYONE is different!

    I'm a first born as well, and didn't really figure myself out until I was in my 30s. By that time I was married with 2 kids, so if you think YOU don't fit the gay 'stereotype' try being me! I have an ex wife, 2 kids, and a golden retriever. I love cars. I'm an accountant. And I'm gay. And in my mid 30s I met someone who I fell in love with and recently married. And he also has an ex wife and 2 kids. He's a mathematics / science geek if there ever was one! He's a chemistry professor at a university here in Toronto. He loves to cook and play squash.

    Living an honest, authentic life is the only way to go. I've never been happier now that I'm out and living the life I was supposed to live. It isn't always easy getting to this place, but it was totally worth it.
     
  18. Rinamir Mortem

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    I too am first born and always laugh when I hear such studies. Personally, I will never fully believe the results unless I do the study myself. Besides, there are always exceptions to rules so either we are the exception or those who were studied were. If there is one thing I always take into consideration is that scientists will try and find results that favour their original ideas.

    Plus, I have never conformed to a stereotype...that I know of. Should really ask around. However, as with all stereotypes, the gay one is a very reduced and basic image of a gay man so fret not :icon_bigg
     
  19. Chip

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    I have a lot of nerdy, intellectual, gay friends. And a lot of athletic, team-sports active gay friends.

    Oh, and as far as being at the "bottom" (meaning, small% of people), you're also in the company of people with extremely high IQs, as they are also a small percentage of the population. Same with entrepreneurs, and lots of other successful people. :slight_smile:
     
  20. Ben

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    The more traits you list about yourself, the more you're going to realise that you're different from everyone else.
    It's not helpful to get into the habit of counting your younger brothers, measuring your index fingers and counting your Barbra Streissand CDs just to use that information to pit yourself against the 'norm'. :wink:

    And just FYI: I have multiple older brothers and a playlist on my iPod dedicated to Shirley Bassey and Judy Garland. I eat bananas seductively and I know the entire score of Legally Blonde The Musical off by heart. I'm also deeply into wood chopping and I study alongside people training for the traditional ministry. I think it's a great feeling to do what you love regardless of how far you do or do not fit into any stereotype. You'll always find people who you can connect to regardless. : )
     
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