Hello everyone, I am 17 years old, Male, and a senior in High School. I have known I was bisexual since like 7th grade, but I have never told anyone and I really don't have a gay persona so nobody really has any idea. I have never really "loved" a guy before. I always knew some guys who I found attractive, but the risk for potential reward was never worth it in my eyes. Recently I started having some more intense feelings for a guy who we will call gavyn (he is 15 and a freshman, but he is extremely tall(6 feet, 3 inches) and seems older than he is), we played soccer together but never really talked at all until after the season. At lunch I would sit with some guys from the soccer team, he would always sit with some kids he knew, one day I just decided to tell him to sit with us. He was walking by the table and I just kinda said "hey dude, why don't you sit here?" And bam he began sitting with us. At that moment I was just being nice, I wasn't really attracted to him. In soccer I am a goalkeeper, and he played as a striker in the past, one day he mentions that he wants to be a goalkeeper and that I should coach him over the summer. Seeing as I am going to try and play in college I will be training with someone I know from the college I am going to, but I decided I would tell him he could tag along with us over the summer. He always said how excited he was to become a goalkeeper. Anyways I decided I would tryout for basketball, I was always good at basketball I just didn't really like the group of kids that played. I didn't really find it fun, but he convinced me to tryout for the team. I tried out and made the varsity team, but like I mentioned before I didn't really want to play so I just kinda declined the offer from the coach. I didn't like the people on the team and I couldn't see myself having a good time throughout the season. Anyways, to continue things. He did end up playing, which makes sense, he loves basketball and has always played it. Anyways, I began going to the second half of his JV games then I would watch the varsity game with him and another friend of mine, then after we would all go out to eat. We would really talk too much during those games, but he would always come and stand next to me. One time we were sitting in the stands and I said that we should move up to the indoor track which surrounds the gym for a better view, he said he didn't want to so I went up anyways in hopes he would follow (by this point in the story I am indeed attracted to him, I feel it's important that people know that) so, like I said I went up to the track. He stayed in the stands. He began sending me snapchats that would call me a loner and even ugly. Well that kinda got to me and I wasn't too happy about it so I went home and we didn't go out to eat after with them. The next week there was another home game and I decided to go, we were going to go out to eat after again. He was going to ride with me, and he told me to go to my car and he would be right out. Then I sit in the parking lot for like 15 minutes waiting for him, so I decide to call my other friend who was driving over separate from me. He said that Gavyn went with him, that pissed me off because I wasted 15 minutes in a parking lot to give him a ride and he didn't even call me to tell me he was going with my friend. I got pissed and decided to not even go to the restaurant, he obviously knew I was really pissed this time and sent me a text saying he was sorry and that he didn't see my car so he went with my friend. I accused him of hating me and told him he didn't have to be a dick about it and waste my time. He said that he didn't see my car, like I mentioned before, and he also said that he didn't hate me at all and considered me a good friend. Then I explained to him why I came to the conclusion he hated, based on the snapchats calling me a loner, ugly and leaving me waiting for him in the parking lot. Also he stopped snap chatting me as frequently. Anyways, he apologized and explained calling me a loner and ugly was just him joking around. We also go to indoor soccer together every Sunday with some other people from the soccer team. One time we were both on the sideline and we were going on the field, and he touched the side of my face and said "Go score" (because I don't play goalkeeper in indoor soccer, I play striker) while smiling. And tbh idk what the fuck that was because he has never made physical contact with me like that and hasn't since then. So I kinda just didn't react at all. A lot has happened between then and now, but I will only mention the important details, or details and stories that could be deemed important to figuring out whether he might potentially be gay, and\ or have feelings for me as well, or if he is just a friend. Anyways, he had a girlfriend who broke up with him not too long ago. He wasn't hurt at all by the breakup, he dated her pretty much because she was attractive and they still didn't do anything together. Which is kinda weird, but I guess he is 15 so it's not necessarily a sign. But how he got in the relationship with her was weird as well, I guess she came up to him grabbed his hand and said "you are my boyfriend now." Kinda strange, he didn't even make the move. Like I said I am going to be spewing random details, events, etc... in no particular order. Another thing regarding Snapchat is I would send a Snapchat then he would Snapchat me here and there throughout the day, sometimes more than others. These didn't always have conversation, they were often just random pictures of the class we were in. Sometimes he would throw in a random question, like "are you coming to soccer Sunday", or "are you going to the basketball game tonight?". Sometimes I would ask similar questions, like "do you have a basketball game today?", or "when is your next basketball game?". Anyways, usually we will Snapchat until around 10:30 then he won't open my snap probably because that's when he goes to bed. And he will open it the next morning and won't respond. Which forces me to send another Snapchat sometime the next day to start talking with him again or at least start sending them back and forth. I have tested what happens if I don't send him one throughout the day and he just kinda waits until our streak is almost up then sends one. Today he was talking to me about my vacation and he kept adding questions into our conversation to keep the conversation going, this is something you usually do with people you like, whether it be a good friend or someone you "like, like". Which is what I need to figure out. I think those are most of the details. PLEASE! I need some direction on whether you think he likes me as a friend, or if he could possibly be gay and closeted or bi like myself. I also need help on how I go about trying to figure out if he likes me without coming out to him, because that can fucking backfire quickly. And I really don't want to potentially ruin any relationships I have with friends just because I like guys and females. One idea I have that I think is clever is telling a female friend of mine that he doesn't know and who can't tell many of my friends if it does backfire, plus they would be someone trustworthy. Anyways, I tell them and have them "take my phone" and then start flirting with them, but in reality it is me, but if he clearly is against the flirting and makes it obvious right away that he doesn't like me then I will have the female friend of mine send him a Snapchat of herself and say that she took my phone and was just trolling with people while I was going to the bathroom or doing something else. Thoughts?
Hello, and firstly, welcome to EmptyClosets! I'm in the same age and situation as you, except for I'm a girl. About your friend, don't try and force him out of the closet if he is gay. We do not know for sure. And don't get me wrong, but maybe you are just reading too much into it? Take it easy and slow, if he is truly into you...he won't shimmy out of it in a hurry. Try and be good friends with him at first. Get to know him, about his likes and dislikes, spend alone times with him, invite him to all-friends outings in KFC or something. I know that you wanna know ASAP if he does like you by following through that clever plan, but if I were in his place, I wouldn't like it if I found out about it. And when we crush on someone, we can't see any flaws in them, we find excuses to forgive them for their outright rude behaviors, we stay in denial. So also try and think: will you truly be happy with him if things truly worked out in the end with him? I wish you all the best. Go around the forum, and you'll see many people feel the same as you. There are also good advice in those threads. Explore, and hopefully you'll reach a conclusion.
Thank you for the advice! I am just fearful of taking it slow because I will be going off to college next year. But hopefully we can stay friends throughout that time. And he is someone I would be friends with if he did happen to not like me back. I just want to know, maybe I am a little anxious to find out. I will try and slow things down and just work on the friendship side of things.
I think I need to inject a few notes of caution here. The first note of caution is to avoid forcing the issue just because you are keen to know the truth before going to college. All of the 'signs' you have mentioned are quite subtle and may not amount to very much at all. As becKEY001 said above, we tend to miss flaws in crushes and we overemphasise small points of friendliness too. A touch on the face suddenly becomes an indicator of deeper feelings (which may be true, but may not be). You could use a topical issue to test the water with him, for example, say how you support/respect the openly gay Winter Olympic athletes. It may not bring about an immediate reaction, but it will tell him that you are LGBT friendly yourself and it could lead to him confiding in you, if there is any truth in your suspicions. It's not guaranteed, but I think it's better than playing games through your girl friend. The second note of caution is about age difference. I know there is only two years between you (and he appears older) but as you have already found out, there is a gap in your level of maturity and that will only become more apparent as you move on to college. Even teenagers of the same age can be at different stages of maturity and those gaps can open up and become a chasm in a more intimate relationship. My best advice would be to focus on the friendship and try to make that work, but avoid getting carried away with ideas about a more serious relationship. Far better to get to college and see if there are any opportunities to be more open about your sexuality there.
Thank you for the advice PatrickUK, I really appreciate any advice I can get... since I've really never been in a situation like this before. Now I have been thinking about it quite a bit, and I kinda just wish I could stop liking him so much. You are completely right that every interaction I have I over analyze, and I can tell it's probably just a complete waste of time on my part. I want to try and stop liking him so much, but it's easier said than done. I don't want to ruin our friendship by trying to distance myself while trying to stop liking him in the way I do. What are different ways to go about this? Like I said I'm bisexual, and I mostly like females, but like this guy I have had a few crushes on males. Anyways, I was thinking that if I could get myself into a relationship with a girl then it could potentially take away from focusing on seeing if he likes me or not. But in this scenario then it would probably turn him away if he does like me, and if the relationship I get into is too forced that could fail as well. I want to try and simply "wait it out", go off to college, not really be around him as much, and then maybe my feelings will change. But honestly I'm not sure I can wait that long to either get over him or find out. And I do think that if I find out that he is straight and doesn't like me that I will get over him. The main reason I think I was attracted to him in the first case is because he seemed like a likely candidate to be gay or bi, I know it's wrong to assume things like that, but it was kinda just my intuition that took control and then as you mentioned every little thing he did became a "hint" in my eyes trying to figure out if he is gay, or if he isn't. I also forgot to mention something important. Within my school, like many others, things like calling people faggots, gay, and homo is a fairly common remark. And he uses these remarks as well and sometimes even acts homophobic, but we have a gay kid on our soccer game (he isn't open about it but anyone with two eyes and ears can tell) and he is really nice to him, very friendly to him, and talks with him a lot. Which confuses me, because if he was homophobic why would he like someone who is gay so much? Then I did some research and I found that in some cases people who are homosexual pretend to be homophobic to draw away suspicions, and I guess that makes sense. Do you think that might be something to take note of? Or am I still reading into it too much?
Also I'm going on a week long vacation to Florida this upcoming week. Hopefully that will help me just relax about everything.
It is the case that some people who are closeted will join in with homophobic remarks, in order to divert attention from themselves. In my experience those who shout the loudest and joke the most have more to hide. So, it might suggest something that he joins in with the jokes, but don't read a lot into it. It's good that he shows no prejudice towards the guy on your soccer team and that might also be a sign of something, but again, it's reading a lot between the lines. Maybe you could talk to him about the guy on your soccer team and see where the conversation goes. If you decide to do this, I would make it clear that you are totally supportive yourself. Short of doing this, coming out yourself or asking him directly about his sexuality, I don't think there is a great deal more you can do. Decisions about if/when to come out is are personal to each of us. I'm really not sure about your idea of dating a girl. It doesn't sound like you would be doing it for the right reasons. The only reason we should date someone is because we like them -- not because we have an agenda. I don't mean this in a nasty way, but it just doesn't seem like a good idea to me. I think you need to focus on what I said about the gap in age and maturity. When you go to college you will enter a completely new environment and it will be very difficult to maintain a relationship with someone who is still at school (even assuming a relationship is on the cards). It's okay to be friends, but I don't think you should get more invested in the idea of relationship. Maybe not what you want to hear, but it's the best advice I can offer you.
Thank you for the advice. Really I didn't want to hear anything in particular. I just needed some guidance because I could tell that I was overthinking everything. I think right now my game plan will to just ride things out.
