14 old son is looking at gay porn. I've got questions.

That seems to me like a great move on your part. Even though you may not have wanted him to change the subject as he did, it's very natural for him to divert the attention to something and someone else. It's like stepping out of a comfort zone and deciding to turn back or like testing the waters.

I wish every parent of a gay (or even straight) son/daughter was like you in trying to make your child feel as comfortable with him/herself as possible.

 

You definitely aced that moment, so congratulations. ^_^ I would have loved for my parents to say something like that when I was younger. I just can't stop gushing. You have to be like the greatest dad, ever?

He's conflicted and probably a little scared but we all went through it and I think it makes us better, as people. Once he comes through to the other side he is going to be so strong and confident because of what he's going through right now. It's all for the greater good, believe me. Just keep being a really supportive dad and he'll get there, eventually.

 

My parents were completely alright with me when I came out, but the thing was, I never knew I could talk to them about it. No one ever said it was okay to have a girlfriend instead of a boyfriend. So, what you did here with your son seems wonderful to me, because at least he will KNOW that he is okay to talk to you about all this. That he's not doing or thinking anything wrong. It's not that my parents were cruel, they just didn't realize the possibility.

About your wife, though, I don't know what to say. I can only speak from a child's perspective, that I would feel uncomfortable if I knew my parents had been talking about me being gay before I was even ready to say it out loud to myself. I can't speak from a spouse's perspective, so I don't know what's right. That's tough, but you seem like a thoughtful, intelligent guy who knows his family and I'm sure you'll be okay.

 

Not being a parent I don't know what advice I could give about whether or not to tell your wife but I just wanted to stop by this thread and acknowledge that you are a phenomenal father and a great person in general.

 

Thats a great reaction except for one small detail!

Gay kids at that age are told time and time again that it's a phase, they will grow out of it, it takes a while to figure out who you like, etc. But straight kids are never told they have to "take a while to figure it out". It's a real double standard.

So what I am saying, is that is a subtle way, it was saying that it's not ok to be gay. That there still might be "hope" that he will turn straight.

You could always bring up, another time "it's ok, some boys are attracted to girls and some boys are attracted to boys, but either way is perfectly normal and ok. If you were gay i would love you just the same, and if you ever brought home someone special, regardless of their gender I would treat them like a part of the family". Now that is super pro dad stuff right there :icon_bigg

 

Its a tough situation to be in, but maybe you could just start talking to your wife about homosexuality and the chances of your son being gay. Or maybe even about your friend's son coming out or something. That way you can start easing her into the whole topic without bringing your son directly into it.

I just wanted to come in and join everyone in telling you that you are an amazing dad Pretty sure, whatever you do, you won't mess up because you just care about him.

 

But say the kid or anyother kid in a similar situation does indeed turn out straight, meaning it was a phase, then it works out that they did indeed have to take some time to work out if they are straight or not. XD.

Granted saying that it is a phase is giving possible false hope but i dont believe the original poster said anything close to this.

---------- Post added 24th May 2011 at 10:24 AM ----------

Well there are a lot of good storys here at EC about accepting parents but a lot of posts are focused more on the negative aspects, which makes sense as this is a support forum and those who have very open familys usually dont need to find support online =D. Plus your situation is very unique here at EC, dont believe we have had many if at all like yours.

About how to handle things with your wife, I would subtly work out what her reaction would be to your son coming out to her. Like maybe say you saw a show on tv where a son came out to his parents (glee might be a good show to list if she asked for specifics) and it really made you think about how you would react if it was you in that situation, then go on to ask her how she would feel if it was her? But this does put you in tough possition because if she asks if you think or know anything about your son being gay you would have to lie directly to her if you didnt want to out your son.

 

Hi Quail,

First, I hope you at least have a #1 Dad or World's Greatest Dad mug 'cause you've certainly earned it. As for your question about your wife, I think you should have a discussion with her. If I was in her shoes, I'd want to know and I think I'd be more upset about that than anything else. At this point your son hasn't officially come out to anyone, so all you'd be addressing with your wife are your suspicions and conversations so far.

I'm just picturing the worst case scenario where your son comes out and you're totally cool with it 'cause you've had time to process but she flips because she's blindsided. Not only is that going to mess up the mother/son relationship, she'll most likely be incredibly hurt when you say "oh, yeah, he and I have been talking about it for six months and didn't tell you." As 50% of the parenting equation she'd have a right to be a little miffed at that.

That's just my opinion though, and you know your wife better than any of us do. Keep us posted!

 

Hey..
Firstly I think what you have done is the right step...asking for help. I can see what your sons going through being a similar age. I don't see my self as gay. I have friends at school and outside of school that are gay or bi. I feel your sons-like me- is of an age where a lot of our friends are sexually active and we don't understand why and we start to question ourselves...am I straight? Am I gay? Am I bi? All of these questions go through my mind and the minds of many other teenagers. We are of an age where we are starting to become sexually active and are 'experimenting' in new ways. What you son is doing is probabally trying to find a position he is comftorble in. You should support him what ever his decision will be.
Your wife should know the truth...but don't tell her unless you can finish it through to the end and explain it properly. Have a family discussion if necessary. I hope I have offered some help if not my opinion to you

 

Blahblahblaheverythingthat'sbeensaidblah blah. With regards to your wife, I personally feel like you should tell her of your suspicions, if only to give her time to process the information before your son actually comes out. You could spare him a bad coming out by letting your wife freak out in private. Since she can't very well go on a three month crying jag or anything if she's been sworn to secrecy ("You can NOT tell our son I told you this"), she's more likely to try and deal with her own grief process quietly, rather than making a big melodrama out of it. It'll give her time for rationality and compassionate love to take over. Eventually she'll remember that your son is still your son, and she'll get over it. Or she won't, and your son and your wife will go through a period of estrangement. I don't know your wife, so I can't tell you which way she'd go.

The only reason I would look at to not tell her is if you expect her to completely come off the fucking rail about it and confront your son outright. If that's the case, don't tell her.

Also, Quail:

 

It really depends on where you were raised. In Alabama, for example, homosexuality is much more strongly disapproved of than in, say, New England (I'm not gonna just blame the Bible Belt, but that's a huge part of it). The South is not a great place to grow up gay.

I got disowned for awhile when I came out. My parents probably would have kicked me out if I wasn't already financially independent at that point.

It's nice to see dads like you who are accepting from the get-go. I'd be more jealous except for the fact that my family did eventually accept me.

I just wish they had from the start.

^ This.

 

Guys, this thread is from May...

 

Derp. lol

Holy thread resurrection Batman.

 

oops :lol:

 

Sorry for further bumping this but I think you should know your an amazing father.

 

We look forward to it.

 

Quail, I just want to thank you for being a great dad to your son.

When I told my parents, my mom told me she wasn't okay with it, I hurt her worse then when her dad died, and she thought maybe I had been doing drugs but she never saw THAT coming. Maybe I'd be a little more confident and happy with myself today if I didn't feel like such a disappointment.

 

I know this thread is a tad old but just jumping in to say you are a fantastic dad. If every parent was like you i think the world would be a happier place. You said something about being shocked at other parents reactions to their kids being gay; the reason i'm not out to my family is because of my mam. She constantly says little things indicating she thinks being gay is wrong, she even went so far as to tell me once that girls date other girls because they don't think they're pretty enough to be with a guy.

Yup, some parents are just that stupid and ignorant.