13 yr old has identified himself as bi-sexual/online predator?

Hi, and welcome.

First, you're an absolutely awesome parent for taking an open and nonjudgmental approach to this. It sounds like you've handled this difficult situation admirably.

Second, from all the research out there, there's zero indication that exposure to pornography can alter sexual orientation. Additionally, one doesn't need to actually have sex to know one's sexual orientation... if you think back to your own sexual awareness, I'm sure you were aware you were attracted to guys long before you had sex with one.

The predator issue is a very, very serious issue, and there is also a significant likelihood that the person exchanging pics with your son may not even be the person in the pictures; there are rings of people who entice and collect pics and videos from underage boys and girls and trade them.

The problem here is, for your son, the intersection between his healthy sexual expression (masturbating, in this case) and doing so with some other unknown person over the internet. This sort of thing can quickly become enticing and habituating and it is more likely that behavior that's causing the shame rather than the same-sex attraction itself.

I would definitely encourage him to talk to his therapist. You might also consider encouraging him to join here, as there's a lot of positive support and encouragement that can help him honestly figure out (if there's a question) whether he's genuinely attracted to guys, or whether he's simply horny and this situation happened to come along. Our environment is pretty creeper-free in part because of our extremely strict communications policies and prohibition of off-site contact.

Also, for the record, I don't think in any way you invaded his privacy; at that age, I feel like it is important and necessary for a parent to have some oversight into their child's behaviors online.

I think the main thing is to try and keep channels of communication open... not easy with a 13 year old who's just been caught masturbating with other people online, so you've obviously already done a great job of cultivating openness with him.

And... feel free to keep communicating here. Simply talking with other parents and others in your situation can be really helpful.

 

I agree with Calf. I wouldn't be surprised if, since you (OP) have just recently discovered this that there's some shock and some processing of what's going on. When we process any loss (in this case, loss of perception your son is straight), there are stages we go through: denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance, which can take anywhere from minutes to months to go thorugh. Your son likely went (or is going) through this, and now you are as well.

It is likely safe to say that if he's been looking at gay porn animae and masturbating online with another guy, that he is most likely not straight. Straight male teens would not likely be masturbating with another guy on cam, but would seek out a site with cam girls. We can't know (and he may not know yet) whether he's bi or gay, and we can't absolutely rule out that he's straight... but based on what we've seen here at EC, and what I know from working with a lot of teens... most kids have a pretty good idea by his age, even if they don't fully accept it in themselves and are still going through the stages of loss themselves.

I do think it's important to accept whatever he says at face value. Also, don't discount the fact that he might fully know that he's gay, but be "cushioning the blow" to you (and hedging his bets) by saying he's bi in order to gauge your response. If so, then pushing the point won't be helpful at this stage. The best you can do is continue what you're doing... be open, nonjudgmental, and do your best to support him in whatever way he needs.

I hope you'll continue to stick around as it's always great to have parents here to contribute and share opinions.

 

Please don't blame yourself for what you're feeling... it's normal and natural and part of being a parent and wanting the best for your kid. All of your concerns are certainly legitimate and normal.

The key is simply to be self-aware (as you seem to be) and do your best as you're talking with him to be mindful that, particularly with a 13 year old, he'll pick up pretty subtle things and, in some cases, he may filter anything even remotely ambiguous through his own insecurities. Of course we all do that in any case, but it's particularly difficult for a 13 year old who is just coming out and didn't necessarily have the opportunity to do so on his own terms.

I'll again say that I think you're navigating this complicated situation quite well, so don't be critical of yourself. It's all about mindfulness and paying attention to things that may not have crossed your mind.