12 year old son came out last night

I didn't read anyone else's responses, but I'll say this:

I think you should be honest with your kid about your awkwardness. It's fair, seeing as he was honest with you. I don't think he'll see you as a hypocrite, but what this will help him understand early on is that this sort of thing will be common for him throughout life. He knows you love him. Just let him know you have some adjusting to do. He sounds like a smart boy, he'll understand and work with you.

Good luck, bud.

 

same! i know my mom will almost definetely be ok with it but there are some things we need to work out ourselves that may or may not have to do with our parents at all. you seem like an amazing mom. trust me, when she is ready, she will tell you. just let her deal with it on her own and itll be ok i promise good luck <3

 

While I think sharing feelings with your kids can be very good, it isn't always, and I'm not sure this is the best advice, just going by my own personal experience. I came out to my parents when I was 16 or 17 (it's weird that I can't remember); they're liberal and accepting and I had been taught all my life that homosexuality was normal and natural. My parents weren't surprised when I came out to them, and the initial coming out was short and relatively painless.

In the coming days my mother shared her feelings with me. She was sad that I was less likely to have kids, and she was worried about my physical safety and emotional health, she wanted to make sure I was happy but didn't know how. I didn't ask, but if you had asked her at the time, I'm sure she would have described the feeling as a bombshell too. This is a reasonable response too, she loves me and I know it, and how she reacted just showed how much she loves me.

But she talked to me about all these things fairly soon after I came out, and frankly, it stunk. I'm sure the conversation was good for her, but I was a raging ball of emotions at the time, and I didn't need her stress on top of my own. It isn't that my mother's feelings were wrong; the issue was that I wasn't ready to hear about them so soon after my own coming out.

That all being said, welcome to EC and your son is lucky to have you as a father.

 

Hey! Just so you know, I wish my parents reacted like you have. Awkward feelings and all. I mean, especially the awkward feelings. Your having them means you really listened, you really understood, and you really care. My parents, when I came out at the age of 12, didn't believe me. They told me I wasn't, not because they had a problem with gay people, but just because they thought I was too young. I wasn't too young, I knew. But I still tried to please them by trying to un-gay a bit for a couple years before giving up.

My parents are good, loving people, believe me. But... They never did really react. They both have this sort of "it's not my business, I don't have to care" shield. I want them to feel something about it, even if it's mean or awkward, because that means they really care and understand.

Instead of beating yourself up for not having the reaction you think you ought to have had, pat yourself on the back for having a reaction at all. I wish I had parents like you guys.

 

Hi, Sethdad! I'm a parent of three boys and I can imagine how you must feel. My kids have a while before they start dating, but they already know what it means to be gay. I know how difficult it's been for me to accept myself and I couldn't imagine them having to go through the same thing.

I know it must be a shocker, but hang in there, I think you're doing a fantastic job. My friend and I came out to her father a few months ago and he was okay with it. However, he made it a point to say that if she had came out to him when she was 12 or 13, he would've tried to change her. So, I think you're a great father

If any of my sons came out to me, of course I'll be excepting. Just keep the line of communication open with your son and I'm sure everything will turn out fine.

 

I think your doing a good job so far. If he seems to ask why your ok with him or all that stuff I would be completely honest. My parents love and accept me but at times when I ask things like that I am not sure if they are being completely truthful. I really wish they would be. Keep up the good work.

 

I can't disagree with you because you lived it, I didn't. I can only imagine how out feels to be either party.

The same way a kid gets to unburden the itself by telling their parents, I think the parent should have the same opportunity. After all, the feeling the kid has before they tell their parents is that same feeling a parent has after they've been told.

Plus, it's shaped your character. I don't know you, but based on what I've read, you seem strong willed. I don't know how defining of you that event has been, but I think it certainly adds character. This sort of thing is tough for everybody.

 

The fact that he feels that comfortable with you means a lot. It means you're doing an amazing job as a parent.

 

First of all, welcome to EC! You're not the only parent that's come on here because their child came out as LGBTQ, so hopefully you'll get to know some of the others.
I don't have much to say that's different from what everyone else said. But I felt intrigued by this thread because I first began to question my orientation when I was twelve.
Even though you probably always imagined your son getting married to a woman, having kids, living the perfect life when he was older, and now you think it's all been crushed, that isn't nessicarily true. Your son can still get married, have kids (well, adopted kids), and get a good job.
It's a good sign that you as a parent have created an environment where your son feels comfortable coming out as gay at age twelve. I'm two years older than him, and I'm terrified at the thought of coming out to my parents. And don't think that you've raised him to be gay; Our sexual orientation is worked into us when we're born, you can't change it.
Remember, being gay does not change who your son is. He's still the same boy you love. When he first got a girlfriend, you weren't expecting to be like, "Oh, he likes a girl, say bye bye to Bob, hello to Jim." So why should liking other boys be any different? Your orientation is just a small part of who you are, don't let his rule you.

 

I also recommend PFLAG. I went to my first meeting tonight and it helped me tremendously to talk to other parents who have been there. It was wonderful to be able to talk face to face and hear their stories. The best part was getting HUGS!! I so desperately needed one.

 

I wish I could give you some advice but I have none to give, for obvious reasons. But it honestly sounds like you are doing everything right.

 

This reminds me of The New Normal episode tonight. I don't know if you've ever seen it, but The New Normal covers some of the issues gays face and some of the thoughts that go through our heads. Obviously, not everyone experiences the same things, but I know I've seen things that are coincidentally familiar.

 

If only all our parents were like you....

 

Take the earliest chance to FULLY educate your kid about safe sex. Even if it leads to a very awkward conversation, you'll be ensuring he will be able to lead a fulfilling romantic life without harming himself or others.

 

Everyone seems to have covered this pretty comprehensibly, but just to add my two cents worth...
Being gay, and so having to go through a comparable process of acceptance myself, I found that acknowledging that I had negative emotions/ideas about it and that it was actually ok to feel bad was a really valuable thing. For I while I tried to drill into myself that I had no shame, but I soon realised, that no, I was ashamed, and that was okay. It's just part of the process. Obviously it's a different situation with your son, but I think the same sort of principle applies. Don't beat yourself up for not being fully ready for it and relaxed about it from the outset. Most people need time to adjust and come to terms with either themselves or others coming out, so allow yourself to work through that process. In my experience, you can't skip straight to the finishing line with these things, no matter how much you might want to.