10 Years ago I looked in the mirror as the sun was rising behind a snow capped mountain and I said to myself “I am gay”. The journey over the last ten years has been exciting, emotional, traumatic, invigorating and enlightening all at the same time. My key takeaways: I believe that while I was predisposed to be gay from birth, social circumstances through the course of my life had a broad impacted on my sexuality leading me to finally embracing whom I am. Being gay does not define me, but is only a part of me. Childhood trauma’s and parental/child relationships had more of an impact impeding my ability to live authentically than I could of possibly imagined. Working through them caused me to learn more much about myself with many times conflicting with whom I thought I actually was. Overcoming insecurities, low self esteem, low self worth and believing I was not lovable needed lots of work and emotional onion peeling to finally bring about the personal confidence I once projected but now actually feel. There is no one right path to living your authentic live. We each have our own path to follow. The Gay community is what you make of it, what you want from it, what you need from it, is not directly apparent and can be defined as you want to define it. And if necessarily, departed from just the same. The path others are on can both help and impede the path you are on personally. I needed not to be distracted from the failures of others but embrace the success I saw others achieve while remaining focused on my own goals and objectives. There is no regret about the choices I made nor the decisions to embrace whom I am. Other peoples lives were impacted both negatively and positively by my journey towards self actualization. In the end, it balances out. Working through alcoholism and addiction was a complete surprise for me; always believing those were other peoples problems. Until I finally admitted I had an alcohol and addiction problem which lead me to seek the help I needed. Ten years later I am living with my husband and our three dogs. I now work for myself with a business partner instead of the company I used to work for albeit in the same field of work. Both my daughters have graduated university and are living their own independent lives in different cities/countries from either of their parents; one as a social worker while getting her masters degree and the other as a writer’s assistant in the entertainment industry. My ex wife spends her days living close to family and volunteering her time at a local hospital while continuing to live in our prior family home. While I do not communicate directly with them, I stay in touch with their extended family. I live in a completely different country than the prior countries I used to live in. I wake up with my husband smiling at me, my dogs licking my face and a desire to get on with the days events. After ten years, with all the ups and downs, I can say that I have finally found peace from the journey I embarked on ten years ago.
OnTheHighway.....It's so encouraging when someone makes a post like yours, thank you so much! Folks on EC who are having a difficult time dealing with their sexuality need to hear that there are possible futures where their life can turn out to be good. So very many of our LGBTQ brothers, sisters, trans, nb's, etc. face daily harassment and rejection even from their families...hearing that life can be good is a real blessing. I really appreciate your post. .....David
Your update captures what LGBT pride is really about - when we're thriving, and not just surviving. May the next 10 years be even better.
So wonderful that you are waking up with a husband in your bed every morning. I love to hear it. From saying out loud “I am gay” to being in the warm arms of a man ‘s embrace is beautiful. And to think you get to call him your husband. OMG! Fantastic!!! i had an “i’m gay out loud” moment too and now I’m living a gay life at peace as well. Being a man loving another man is what we are supposed to be doing. Even though it can be hard to get there it is the most natural thing in the world for us gays.
Wow. It's nice to hear from you. It sounds like you've processed a lot and are sharing that with us. But, best of all, it seems like you are where you want to be and need to be. Some of your observations strike a chord with me. A therapist once told me that all of a person's life experiences go into creating someone's psyche. I also agree with the pick and choose you talk about in your takeaways. I think I'm fairly individualistic and it sounds like you are, too, so we don't want to be shrink wrapped and packaged.
This is such a fantastic post, @OnTheHighway. While your tribulations were undoubtedly many, it's so encouraging to see that you've not only overcome them, but that you are a happier, more fulfilled version of yourself today. I hope you are proud of the person you are, the person who has faced such odds and came out on top, the person who learned from it all--positive and negative--and turned it into opportunity. Keep up the amazing work. No doubt you have many more wonderful adventures and insights ahead of you.
Thank you for everyone's kind words. I do want to make one additional comment. I have not reach a proverbial pot of gold at the end of the rainbow nor and I riding off in the sunset sort to speak. I am certainly at a much better place today than I was ten years ago. The journey, however, never ends. There are constant three step forwards and two steps back. That is just a function of life. However, having more stability today than I did back than makes the journey much much more productive and easier as each day progresses. Thanks for reading!
OTH, what powerful words. So happy you are living the life you desire. We all continue to evolve as gay men growing as we lead the life we finally had the courage to embrace. Wishing you continued happiness. Gay is absolutely beautiful!
I agree. That’s a really inspiring update. We all need to find a way to live and develop as our authentic selves. It can be very difficult for those of us who are gay to break out and live authentically but when we do we know that it was all worthwhile and that we are living the life we were always meant to live.
I want to add on to this wonderfully positive thread. My now 4 years of being an openly gay man has been some of the best of my life. The freedom to embrace my same sex attraction openly and honestly has added dimensions to my life I would never have imagined just 4 years ago. Every day I am thankful that while it took some time I was finally able to embrace my homosexuality. I am more that just a gay man but gay is a huge part of who I am. Waking up daily in the arms of my BF is beyond a dream come true. I am finally who I was always meant to be.
