My best friend could be bi. I don't know how to handle it

Hi.

Sometimes I've told to you that i have a friend. My best friend. My "brother", the guy (besides my actual brother) that I love the most.

Last year I got angry with him. I didn't like his new behavior at all. I felt like if he was sinking into a dark world of vice and wild lifestyle, and I couldn't stand it. We didn't talk for eight months. It's been one of the worst experiences that I've passed throughout my life.

Now we've been rebuilding our friendship. It's been hard, but at last I felt so confident, so safe again... tomorrow i come back home and I'm desperate to see him again and hug him.

But something has changed.

Last weekend he called me. Our first phone call in months. And told me something very important.

He had sex with a guy for the first time.

And... years ago i was deeply in love with my friend, but i had to hide it and then transform it in pure love for him, as he was straight.

He knew that. I told him then. And he was so kind, so understanding, so warm...

But now...

He "wanted to try", following this new path of no self control. And i really feel happy for him, as he was brave enough to try it and don't hide his true desire.

But I'm suffering too... as he is, because i think is not easy for him to understand what happened. He told me so. We are in our thirties. I knew that I was gay when i was 15. And now i understand this could be so difficult for him...

Now i have the chance to help him. And i want to. But... oh, shit, it's not fair. I know each one has his own path, his own rhythm, and unfortunately we couldn't share this moment as we live far away from each other.

But... it feels so unfair, after how much i loved him, how much i desired him, how i gave it up as it was impossible... and now this has happened, right when i was struggling to be his friend again, and i don't know if i could handle it properly. I feel so weak right now...

It's not fair, damn! I had enough challenges with our friendship. I didn't need that door to be opened again.

 

Thank you very, very much for your answers. I really appreciate them, and now I want to talk to you, to tell you more about this situation. Yesterday I had a session with my therapist, who is helping me a lot with this, throughout this painful year. And I dropped a lot of anger and frustration, and she listened to me carefully and made me see thing in another way.

Today I've been with my friend. I just needed to see him, to be with him. He told me that he only could stay for half an hour, for a "quick coffee", but it was enough for me. I only needed to feel that I could have a coffee with him again, like in the old times... even when we both know that those times are far away and things are just different today.

We haven't spoken about ourselves. I need to... but today it was not the day. Today I only needed to be with him and know that it was alright. On Saturday he agreed to help me in some things that I have to fix at home. I know that he cares about me, he is worried about me, but maybe we are not at the point of talk about our feelings, as we used to do day after day for years, since we met, 13 years ago...

And, yes, he told me today that he wants to do "what I want to, when I want to, and I don't want to think about it: if I want to experience something, I simply do that, and that makes my anxiety go away". He told me specifically about "that last thing that I told you the other day": him having sex with another guy, obviously. And then... well, maybe he is just in the point of trying new things, just following that path of wild lifestyle where he is into during this year. He told me last weekend that, even if they both did some "spicy" things (that really shocked him, not because they were hard, but because I never imagined my friend being so intimate with another guy), he was not confortable with that. Gay sex didn't convince him. Just an example for you to understand in which point he is right now: if he wants to take five tattoos, he does it; if he wants to buy a really expensive guitar, he does it; if he wants to travel far away, he does it. And if he wants to make out with a guy, because "I've never done it before, and maybe I'm supressing who I really am"... well, he did that.

Or maybe not: maybe he really wanted to do that, but now is hiding his confussion. I don't know: I guess I'll figure it out these weeks, now, back at my hometown. I always thought that he could be bisexual: I've known him for so many years... Or maybe I just dreamt about it and that's why I thought it could be real. That's why now, with this "reveal", I feel so confused. I think it's a 50-50 situation: he could be just trying new things and what excites him is the situation, or maybe just that guy. Or maybe this would be the beginning of self-discovery, if he was being hiding those feelings towards men during all his lifetime.

Who knows... And, even if I know the whole story of that day with that guy (I really want to know... just to ask him, nicelly, "what made you try this?", as I feel genuine curiosity and I'd like to understand something that surprised me), that really doesn't change anything. I need that door to be closed. There is no chance to be together being more than friends. We need first to heal our friendship and rebuild our confidence in each other -something that I feel is still damaged, as we both use to talk again... but we are reticent to talk about ourselves, and I understand that is logical, after all these months of total distance between us-.

We are not meant to be with each other. I'm sure about that. First, because I don't want to follow that wildstyle of life. We are so different now in that... And second, because we both are very "complex" and, as you said, there won't be comebacks to friendship if we cross the line and therefore we make a mistake. And even more know, when our situation is do fragile.

And even if he really goes into bisexuality, he doesn't have to feel for me what I felt for him years ago. Yes: physical attraction is still there, and it comes and goes. He is quite a fine good-looking man, who always gained so much attention from girls... and boys too. Is that kind of guy. But if I'm just a friend for him... that's how it is, that's life. And I can't change that. And I live far away from him now. We don't share the same space and time in our hometown, where he still lives and where I ran away as soon as I could.

However... it's so easy to dream about a "universe" where we both are toghether, and happy. Or where I could help him, just help him to discover himself, his sexuality... Because I'm sure about one thing: even if in a not so distant future he ask me to make out with me, I don't want to be just an experiment, neither I need it to be the start of a romantic relationship. If that's possible, I'd want it to be significant for both of us. I don't want to be just one more of his "conquests" in his new life.

Yesterday, my therapist told me that maybe I need to stablish "distance" with him, but not closing the door. I mean... if there are attitudes and actions that I did as if we were a couple, I need to break that knot. And maybe that's the point. I've been so "attached" to him for so many years, that now I realize I don't pay attention to other guys.

The only thing that I really, really want to do is to tell him that I've missed him a lot. That he is my friend. Last time we meet he told me "I'll be there for you, forever, and I mean that". I need that wound to be healed. Even if I know that he wants to stay with me, I need to "believe" that it's true and forgive myself, because I can't help thinking that I abandoned him last year, and that was his worst fear: to be abandoned by his loved ones. That's all.

 

As you can see in these threads... this story has followed a long path...

https://forum.emptyclosets.com/index.php?threads/just-finding-out-where-i-should-start.473713/

https://forum.emptyclosets.com/index.php?threads/trying-to-build-again-a-friendship.492366/

 

That's it, quebec... I told this to my therapist yesterday: I want to be with him, helping him if he needs that if he "cross the line" of self-discovery. But I can't, and don't want to, share his life style. I won't condemn it, it's not my business anymore. And if it comes the point of him experimenting with more guys, I won't want to know about it. And then I would be clear with him: I don't want that door of my past romantic feelings for him to be opened again.

But I want to be his friend. And I'm quite sure that, if he goes again into men, he will want me to be with him. I'm his "gay friend". And even more, I'm his friend. He made it sure the other day: "I'm not calling you because you are the 'master' in this subject". He phoned me, after more than a year of silence between both of us. That's what matters.

 

It's quite strange, you know? I met him a few days ago, just after Christmas. He wanted to help me to change the strings of my guitar. And, after that, we talked a lot. I finally told him how I felt, how I'm struggling with anxiety and maybe depression again, how I'm not able to work and I've spent two days on bed since I come back home. "I feel better... but I'm not ok". "I know", he answered.

And I gave him a gift from a trip I made a few weeks ago. I know that maybe I should stop doing that: it's like we both were a couple. But I needed to gave him that gift. That day, just a year ago, I "broke up" with him, so now I needed to heal that wound and "make peace" at last. The gift was a necklace, as he, when we started being friends, gave me a necklace that I've been wearing until this day, as it was the first gift that a friend ever gave to me.

As we spoke, he "warned" me against meeting again with people in my hometown, as he feared it could harm me: "it could be painful if you contact people again, so take care". I'm afraid that a year ago I started a negative process in him, as he briefly told me that he has experienced so many dissapointments with other friends and relatives.

But that's not the point. And I told him so. My "conflict" is very diferent from his, and now I'm facing those fears that he swears that he has left behind. And I cannot fight this battle alone all the time. I wanted him to know that. He feels that he is alone, and I can't do anything to convince him of the opposite. But I can't be alone right now.

And then we both hugged. And then I finally told him: "I've really missed you a lot... And it took me a long time to realize that".

And he told me that he has missed me too. And I cried.

And then I kissed him on his cheek... maybe it's another thing that I shouldn't do, but I couldn't avoid doing it.

He sent me a nice message last night. I noticed that it was written as if it was not a personal message, but the same for his loved ones... his most special loved ones. "It's been a hard year, but I hope I could count on your words, your hugs, your company this years, and years to come. Please, be happy". And I sent him a personal message just to tell him I'll be there for him.

It's quite strange... I feel like if I spoke to him, I'd bother him, or maybe he would face a painful situation if we contact again. But, again, I know it's just my mind playing tricks on me, as he is, in fact, speaking to me, worried about me. But we are not looking forward meeting again. Maybe we both don't dare to do it. I don't, and I feel like I'm not able to. And that's another mind trick: I feel ashamed if I meet him again... even if I'm really looking forward to do it. But I don't know if now we should be "separated". I don't want to force things. I want to let time work. The wound needs to be healed, and the main step for me was to tell him that I've missed him a lot.

I'm not even thinking about him making out with another guy, as he confessed me. It's clear for me now that it was an "experiment". And, even if it wasn't... we can't be together. That would break us definitely. It's strange for me imagining him in that situation, though. But I'm not letting my mind go away with that thoughts. What I feel for him right now is love, pure friend love, and that's how it has to be, and I need it to be. But now... it's quite strange, yes.

 

Thank you, Chillton! Yes, I understand it. My therapist told me that maybe I should put some limits in my relationship with my friend, because maybe I was putting a lot of effort as if he was my boyfriend, and not "just" my best friend. It's not as my care and love was not reciprocated by him, because, in fact, he's always been so supportive and affectionate with me... Maybe too much. I've been so confused about that for a long time... When your best friend told you "I only can be sincere and sensitive with you, because you are the only one who listen to me and understand what's underneath", well, you feel so important and so loved, but it weaves a chain of mutual dependence that could be very dangerous. Last year, when I collapsed, I felt that I couldn't stand no more with his problems, and I thought that I was giving more care that he was paying me attention. But I couldn't talk to him, I couldn't find the proper words to express my anger and frustration.

Now I know I can't be there for everything... but as long as I will be always there, with all the energy that I have any time (no more, no less), ans stablishing limits, that's what matters.

 

Today, I can confirm that my friend is dealing with the discovery of his bisexuality.

He is struggling with a lot of confusion. He can't understand why he feels so weird and guilty after having sex with another guy, as he has always been tolerant with the LGBTI community. He is my best friend and never, never had any animosity towards me and my homosexuality. But I can understand where does that feeling of guilt comes from, and that's what I've trying to make him see today.

It's been a frenetic day, yes... it began with his message, "I have something to tell you... i had sex again with a guy", and now I'm here, back home, after spending the night with him and other friends, just after we went out to talk as he needed to tell me how strange were his thoughts about all of this new situation.

And... as I'm recalling the development of the day, I feel happy. My best friend is bi, I'm sure, and I don't feel jealous, even though I was in love with him years ago.

I don't know where did my mind change its behavior. But I feel now more confident with myself and what is around me. And I'm not afraid anymore. Last December I was scared because I didn't want to fall in love again with him, now that I could have an "opportunity" at last. Now I'm not scared. I have rebuilt my friendship with him throughout these last three months, and it's been rough, but I could make it. And that's what matters.

He has no sexual feelings towards me. And that's fine. I'm his friend, his brothers, and that's all. And he is the same for me. Any other sexual alternative would be a huge mistake, now I see it.

Today, this morning, after we spoke, he gave me a big, long, strong and warm hug. "I've missed you a lot... and I'm happy because you're back. i needed you in my life. I'm happy because I have you with me again. And now we're back together, as it used to be, and we're fine". And hearing that was... overwhelming, and healing.

I've never been so happy because he's my friend, and nothing more, nothing else, in all my life. I love him, as my friend, my brother. And we're together again, at last. And that's all.

 

I need some advice.

My friend is struggling the fact of having sex with another guy. He swears it's not because it's gay sex, rather because he fears having caught a STD.

He knows it's an illogical reaction. He is not afraid of STD even as a guy with an active sexual life with girls. And now he is aware of how irrational it sounds to be terrified of STD just because he had just sex with a guy.

Of course, as I'm trying to make him see, it's a caused by a lot of reasons: social homophobia, fear to the unknown, and lack of knowledge about safe sex between man. I understand it: I know my friend now has to learn that.

Also, he suffers of critical anxious episodes, and this is one of them.

However... it "hurts" me. I understand his point, I'm not angry. But it hurts me because he is asking me a lot and the conversation always spins around how dangerous can gay sex be. And it implies admitting that my sex life is potentially harmful, and even mortal.

I know prejudice is talking towards him, even if he has always been supportive with LGBTI. But I think I'll have to talk to him to let him know that his reaction is unconsciously hurting me.

What do you think?

 

I agree with you, Chillton... I think I'll have to put a limit in our interaction, between my friend and me. I mean... I want to comfort him, I want to make him feel a safe space with me. I know I can be his main support as I'm his only homosexual friend, and our friendship has been built throughout the years on trust and care. And now, as our friendship has been rebuilt at last, and it's been a rough path... I feel the urge to be again always for him.

But I'm not his guardian.

I suppose that I'll have to ask him to stop telling me those worries again and again, as that is implicitly suggesting that my sexuality is dangerous and deadly. But I also have to make him sure that I understand that those fears are fueled by anxiety and fear to the unknown, and I'm not angry about that. The limit between both assertions is hard to reach... but I need to try it.

The point is... I think he is now lefting that wildstyle and facing the fact that he likes men too. He prefers women, both sexually and romantically. But that could change... who knows! And, as soon as this sudden fear of STD dissapears, and if he makes out with a guy again... then he will have to face his bisexuality not as a result of a sudden sexual impulse, but of a true sexual (maybe affective?) interest. And that would be another battle for him... and a new situation for me, and all of his friends.

 

Yes, and he is aware of that... I mean, there were several protections during that sexual act, as he told me. He is also aware of protection in sex with women. But his fear appears now after having sex with a guy, not after doing it with a woman. It's irrational, he knows it... but that's how mind can play tricks on you.

 

Sorry for bothering you with this topic... but it's been "strange" at least. I don't feel bad with this situation, nor even awful, but it has shaken my thoughts.

Just imagine the scene: my best friend and me at his house, lying both on the sofa, and my friend is reclined over me, my arm around his shoulders, his head on my shoulder... and we both talking about having sex with another guy, how does it feel, how do you do it, how do you cope with it when it's something new and even "frightening".

I can't help it but thinking about myself ten years ago... that scene would have been an impossible fantasy, back then. But here we are now.

Growing means learning. And now, at 32 years old, I'm facing what I was sure it wouldn't happen to me. How it feels to know that the man you loved the most, both physically and sentimentally, and who know is back again the guy (no family related) you care the most, doesn't feel any sexual attraction for you. And probably he will never do.

Yes, who knows what time will bring... but I'm pretty sure that we both feel a lot of care and affection for each other. And that's what maybe keep us "safe" from breaking the bonds.

As for now, he only feels sexual attraction for men, not attached to sentimental feelings. But it could easily change, I think, as he is able to express a lot of love for male friends. Well... I've been receiving it all for years: hugs, warm words, holding hands, caresses... Things that in the past made me thing "hey, maybe there's a chance for you both to be more than friends"...

In the past I had to reject that hope, as it was impossible: the usual thing, "my straight friend crush is just straight, forget it". But now I have to face that, even if there's and option, there's no chance... Lying on that sofa, I felt like his "gay friend": a bonding moment between us both that leads us to self-care... and that's enough.

Oh, man... this challenge will be "interesting", at least.

 

I don't know... and I guess that I won't know until it happens. My rational side says that there is now way it's going to work: we both live in different towns, we come from a conflict between us that has just healed, and we've shared years of a lot of just care and affection.

But if the moment comes... I wouldn't want to be just another "experiment" for him. Nor even a relationship. Or a "friend with benefits". I don't know what would I want then... but, at least, something special for both us, some meaning beneath the impulse.

If in a near future my friends finally makes a connection between his sexual interest for men and his natural affection for male friends, then the game is on. And maybe I won't have the rules, pieces and cards to play. It doesn't matter if he is then interested in me or not (I couldn't change that)... what matters is that a relationship, now, is not only impossible due to the distance, but maybe, I fear, a huge mistake.

Or, well... I'm overthinking. I know that. I have to stop this or I will anticipate only pain. I can't read future. I can't control it all.