Accepting the truth, being the truth

Hi all. I’ve been working on coming out to my wife of over 25 years. I’ve gradually made progress with her as she has been in deep denial, as I was, of this truth for years. I’ve come out to her on many occasions. Most instances were when I was drinking or on amphetamines. I was really confused at that time. I was married. I had had numerous gay sexual encounters before and after getting married and I was starting to realize that hiding my homosexuality was going to tear my life apart if I didn’t confront it. As the urgency of revealing my true sexuality to my wife became more necessary, I somehow managed to tell her that I was gay while she and I were both sober. She took it ok. But a day later she was obviously angry. I knew I had to give her time to process it. When I asked her if she had any questions she only wanted to know if I still love her. I told her yes of course. She wanted to know my next move so I told her I haven’t thought of any changes yet. She is crushed. It crushes me. Asking me if I’ve ever truly been turned on by her during sex. I told her yes, which is the truth. I still get turned on by her and feel sexually attracted to her. But, as I told her, I feel my gay self blossoming into something much larger than I would have ever imagined or wanted. When we married. I knew men were my preference. She had point blank asked me once, before we became serious, if I was gay. I lied to her and said no. I’ll never forget that denial and deception. That deception still haunts me and my life. It gave her the ability to deny it too. I have always been in love with her even though I know that I am gay. Last 10 years. I have struggled mightily with needing to be honest about my feelings for men. So the past two years I’ve been ensuring that my wife understands that I’m gay. I’m technically bisexual because I still enjoy sex with my wife, but as I have explained to her. I would never pursue sex with a woman again became I know the men are my sexual preference and that not adhering to that truth causes infinite issues. She is still a little resistant to me calling myself gay. I understand that. The weight of her denying me my right to call myself gay was/is heavy. I felt like I was being crushed. She is trying to not call me slurs when she becomes angry. I told her not to be sorry because the name calling is just her speaking the truth. I am this that and the other. I can accept that. It’s true. I’m gay. A Queer A Faggot. A Perv. A deviant . Whatever else you want to throw at me. I embrace it. I’ve told her that I am not afraid of people finding out about me being gay anymore. I told her I understand if she wants to divorce me. She says she wants us to stay together somehow. I want to. I love our family. My need for gay sex and for gay bonding is very real and obviously necessary. She said that she’d understand if I needed to express myself sexually with other men. Her sex drive has dwindled significantly in the past few years. She said that my having gay sex would be permissible as long as I didn’t feel the need to tell her about it. Time will tell. I feel gayer and happier than ever now after making it clear to her that yes I am gay and I was born this way. I just managed to convince a lot of other people otherwise because I was afraid and very confused for way too long.

 

I’m not. I’m struggling

 

It is terrifying. I’m terrified. You’re right about a lot of things. Thank you

 

Fortunately or unfortunately that is where I am at. It’s incredibly frustrating at times

 

I’m trying to make it clear to her of the situation at hand. She’s still in denial to some degree

 

I’m totally in the same boat. I’m so myself with men. I realized a while back, that with a woman I felt I wanted to be submissive. With men I want to be satisfied and do as much satisfying as I can.

 

I’m torn between staying with her and our young child who needs his dad or continue to be closeted and sexually frustrated. Choosing my sexual satisfaction over my child’s needs is something I continue to wrestle with

 

The need to physically be with a man or men is powerful and relentless. Homophobia is definitely an issue for me as well, still. It’s a mind f**k for sure. Thank you again for replying

 

Hi Jake

Yes I am trying to project the image of a normal family. I have not had sex with a man since my wife agreed to “let me do my thing”. I have had sex with men without permission from my wife prior to our new arrangement. I am ashamed of what I have done. I feel like maybe she has agreed to allow me to be with a man sexually so that it can be the proof she needs to accept that I am gay and move on. In some ways it would be much easier if that were to happen. I know I put her and myself in a terrible position. It’s my fault. I wasn’t honest on many occasions. I know that I must face the consequences of lying. She has known that I prefer men sexually for a long time but has been along my side in denying the reality the whole time. Always quick to want to portray me as at the least bisexual but never gay. She was always trying to fix me since the beginning of our marriage. We’ve now been at it for two decades. Denying that Im full blown gay to protect our married status and when it comes down to it, to protect me from the fear of losing my family. Protecting me from the reality that I ruined our lives. Protecting me from having a face the facts. I don’t deny that all I have to do is just tell her that I can’t do it anymore. It would be the truth for once. I know she’s miserable living with the facts she doesn’t want to face. It’s a shame and I am ashamed

 

Hi there. Thank you so much for reaching out. Sorry about your situation. I know how very hard it is. I have come to the same conclusion as you. I still have a hard time imagining leaving her and my child just to satisfy my sexual desires/needs. It doesn’t make sense to me. I know my denial of my homosexuality causes me to be unhappy which causes problems for my wife and child. I’m extremely unsatisfied sexually. I don’t want to be unfaithful anymore. I have tried to somehow “contain “ my lust and urges but it is made me crazy, unhappy and unfulfilled. Leaving them believe it or not seems worse. My wife has actually begged me to help her make it work somehow but my sexual needs/wants are making it so difficult. I need sex with men. I’m not interested in a romantic relationship at this time. Or should I say I don’t fantasize about having a relationship with a man at this time. I know I am gay. That is no longer a question. Eventually I would love to meet somebody. I have had a romantic relationship with a guy before. It was a very long time ago. He broke my heart. Right now my sexual dissatisfaction is the biggest issue. I want to have guilt free homosexual sex. The fact that I am attracted solely to men now is difficult for my wife to accept. It’s made her angry. I’ve admitted everything to her. I finally admitted to her that nearly every one of my relationships with a woman before her had ended up with them leaving me because they thought I might be “confused”. She has said that she’s ready to do whatever is necessary for my and our long term happiness. She knows that coming out for me has been difficult but necessary. I know that living guilt free is necessary for the future but I’m so afraid of making everything worse.

 

I had a very sober and frank conversation with my wife this morning. I started it out by saying to her “I am gay”