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Excluded from local LGBT group

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by lottaotter, Oct 22, 2023.

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  1. lottaotter

    lottaotter
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    I've had a really shit day today.

    After months of deliberating I decided to go back to a local LGBTQ+ running group.

    I left originally because I felt unwelcome there and felt socially anxious.

    I said I was taking a break due to social anxiety but that I had enjoyed my time (not totally true, but trying to be polite).

    As the months went on I started to feel more unhappy about the way I'd been treated (no one ever followed up on how I was, nor did many people ever speak to me when I used to go). I decided to delete the few who I'd added on social media. We never ever interacted anyway, and they all had so many followers that I doubt they noticed.

    There was one paticularly unfriendly guy who would barely acknowledge me when I was part of the group. Twice during the time I wasn't going to the group he 'liked' my dating profile on an app though. That was weird.

    Anyway, today I got there and as there was only one other person there I talked to him a bit. He recognised me from last time but acted like nothing had happened.

    As more people arrived though I started to get isolated. People seemed a bit surprised to see me, and not in a good way. It didn't help that they take a photo at the start of every run and I said I didn't really want to be in it.

    Everyone split up into groups and inwa left on my own.

    As we started the run, I continued being ignored. One or two people tried to talk to me but I didn't know what to say and they seemed to want to get away and avoid me anyway.

    I started getting more and more angry and upset. I told myself I would go for coffee with them afterwards, but instead I went home.

    I think it must be my fault, but I don't know what I've done. I know I can come off as aloof and quiet. But that's just nerves. (I feel very nervous around gay men, and act timid and shy. People who know me from elsewhere say that I'm sociable, approachable and fun to talk to). I have resting bitch face sometimes. I'm also not exactly good-looking, and I don't do a high-status job like the other people on the group. The list of differences goes on.

    I am torn between going back and just forgetting it. I can't let go of the feeling that I did something wrong to make them mostly dislike and ignore me. I felt like I was back in school again: invisible and worthless.
     
    #1 lottaotter, Oct 22, 2023
  2. Rayland

    Rayland
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    I'm really sorry to hear that you had such a tough experience when you tried to rejoin the LGBTQ+ running group. It's understandable that you're feeling hurt and confused about what happened. It's important to remember that your feelings are valid, and you shouldn't blame yourself for the way others treat you. Social situations can be complicated, and sometimes people may not be aware of how their actions affect others. It's possible that there might be misunderstandings or miscommunication involved. It's great that you've taken the initiative to reflect on your own behavior and how it might be perceived by others. However, it's also important to remember that you are who you are, and being quiet or shy doesn't make you any less valuable or worthy of connection. If you feel comfortable doing so, consider reaching out to the group's organizer or someone you trust within the group to express how you felt during your experience. They might not be aware of the impact their actions had on you, and this could lead to a more positive change in the future. Talk to the therapist about your feelings and experiences. They can provide valuable insights and support during difficult times. When deciding whether to return to the group, it's important to prioritize your well-being. If you genuinely enjoy running and would like to be part of an LGBTQ+ community, it might be worth giving the group another chance. However, if the negative feelings persist and you don't see any improvements in your experience, it's also okay to consider alternative activities or groups where you feel more welcome and comfortable. Your worth isn't determined by your job or your appearance, and there are many LGBTQ+ groups that are welcoming and understanding of different personalities and backgrounds.
     
    #2 Rayland, Oct 22, 2023
  3. lottaotter

    lottaotter
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    Thank you @Rayland

    I have been thinking about emailing the group organisers. I'm really not sure what I'd write, but I have a feeling I am not the only one who has felt this way. When I was attending more regularly, there were people who joined who were not white who didn't really seem accepted by the majority either, and people who were just beginning to get into exercise- they didn't seem popular either.

    I do like running, and I really want to make gay friends, but ever since I joined the group, I never really felt relaxed there. I don't think I ever enjoyed it that much. I suppose I'm scared to let go of the one tiny link I have to real-life LGBT people, even though the environment is not great for my mental health, and I'm always blaming myself.

    I'm a bit cautious of contacting them because I have so much anger on how I was treated. I will wouldn't want it to turn into a rant. I am thinking of drafting an email.
     
    #3 lottaotter, Oct 22, 2023
  4. Rayland

    Rayland
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    How about something like this? You can change this mail however you need to. It's important to start with a positive tone, but also sharing you genuine feelings. Clearly state that you want the group to be a welcoming and inclusive place for everyone, regardless of their background, fitness level, or personality. Highlight that diversity should be celebrated, and everyone should feel valued. While it's essential to share your experience, try to avoid blaming specific individuals or making harsh judgments about the group. Focus on the collective goal of improving the group's inclusivity. Provide constructive suggestions for how the group can become more welcoming. For example, you could suggest organizing icebreaker activities, mentorship programs, or ensuring that newcomers are introduced to others. Encourage diversity initiatives and express your willingness to discuss these concerns further. Suggest a meeting, either in person or virtually, where you can have a more in-depth conversation with the organizers. Reiterate your genuine interest in running and connecting with the LGBTQ+ community. Emphasize that your intention is to help make the group a better place for everyone.

    Subject: Feedback and Suggestions for Our LGBTQ+ Running Group

    Dear [Organizer's Name],

    I hope this message finds you well. I wanted to reach out and share my thoughts and experiences regarding our LGBTQ+ running group. First and foremost, I appreciate the efforts that have gone into creating a space for our community to come together. However, I've experienced some challenges during my time in the group. On several occasions, I felt isolated and not truly included. I've also noticed that there are individuals who may have felt the same way, particularly those who are newcomers or come from diverse backgrounds. I strongly believe that our group should be a welcoming and inclusive environment for everyone, regardless of their background, fitness level, or personality. It's crucial that we celebrate our diversity and ensure that every member feels valued and included. To that end, I'd like to offer some suggestions for improvement. Perhaps we could consider implementing icebreaker activities, mentorship programs, or ensuring that newcomers are introduced to others. Creating a culture of inclusivity is a shared responsibility, and I'm willing to play my part in making our group better. I would appreciate the opportunity to discuss these ideas further with you and the organizers. Let's work together to create a more positive and welcoming experience for all members. Thank you for taking the time to read my message. I look forward to the possibility of contributing to a more inclusive LGBTQ+ running group.

    Warm regards, [Your Name]
     
    #4 Rayland, Oct 22, 2023
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  5. TinyWerewolf

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    That sounds like a really good idea, they can't fix a problem they don't know about. Are there any other groups in your area? If things don't work out with this group perhaps another would be a better fit. I'm sorry you have to even deal with this in the first place.

    I'm also really sorry I haven't PMed you in a long time, I hadn't seen you around in a while after a certain amount of time had passed and worried you left. I've been terrible at keeping up the past few months
     
    #5 TinyWerewolf, Oct 22, 2023
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  6. Keller

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    Sorry you had such an experience!
    Odds are, there’s nothing wrong with you - you just were with the wrong crowd. LGBTQ spaces should be supportive and inclusive, but, humans are humans. Sometimes it just happens that you don’t get the right chemistry with some people.

    I’m sorry this is not very helpful, but what I’m trying to say is don’t overthink it and don’t let it get to your heart. Maybe try another LGBTQ group, the chances are you’ll get much better results.
     
    #6 Keller, Oct 23, 2023
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  7. chicodeoro

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    Oh Lottaotter, I'm sorry to hear this has happened. Rain's idea of a letter is a good one. My hunch is that people aren't deliberately being unfriendly, it's just that the group has settled into a pattern that makes it difficult for a newby or sensitive fellow like yourself to penetrate.

    What you mentioned about BAME runners is interesting too. Running clubs - even in South London like my own - can be very white affairs, which must be quite intimidating for any new non-white member.

    The other thing that occurred to me...is your club all guys? Or are there any lesbians or bi women? Us girls are definitely easier to talk to (sweeping statement, I know!) and less likely to cold shoulder anyone new or returning. I always make a point of talking to a newby on our Tuesday night runs.

    Hugs, Beth x
     
    #7 chicodeoro, Oct 23, 2023
    Last edited: Oct 23, 2023
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  8. lottaotter

    lottaotter
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    @TinyWerewolf
    There aren't really any non-sport groups in my area. Wish there were some more arts and crafts -type ones. I have decided I definitely won't be returning to that group. Thinking back, I never really felt happy going. I think I was just trying to prove something and looking for validation from those people who emulated the popular kids at school, who I so desperately wanted to be liked by.

    No worries, I have been busy anyway and I'm not on here much- hope you're doing alright though :slight_smile:
     
    #8 lottaotter, Oct 23, 2023
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  9. lottaotter

    lottaotter
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    Thanks Beth.

    Actually there is not a single woman or non-binary person there! One lady joined a while ago, came once then never again! I can't speak for other people but I do suspect it feels unwelcoming to others.

    I would certainly have felt more comfy talking to women.

    I think I will send an email. I will definitely not be going back again but maybe I ought to do it in case they take it seriously and it helps future members.

    The thing that convinced me to try again in the first place was seeing their 'Wellfare Officer' in town a few weeks ago who said I ought to rejoin. So maybe he will take it seriously.
     
    #9 lottaotter, Oct 23, 2023
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  10. mnguy

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    That sucks it didn't go well and you don't want to go again. It's good you tried anyway I think. Gay guys will be in other groups too like dining out, theatre, book club, movies, cooking class, pub crawl, brewery/distillery visits, etc. What about kickball or pickleball, even though it's sport? I'm not good at joining anything so I get it and understand it's hard to do. Also people go with friends to those things sometimes so that can make it hard to meet people, but friendly people will try to include solo members. How about volunteering with animals or whatever gets your interest? People there are likely friendly and glad you are there. I hope you're feeling better and something starts to click for you. :hugging:
     
    #10 mnguy, Oct 23, 2023
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  11. Cinnamoon

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    Most people aren't worth the effort
     
    #11 Cinnamoon, Oct 23, 2023
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  12. TinyWerewolf

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    You know, I just had another idea- what if you started your own group? I know you're active and not opposed to sports, but perhaps if you started an arts and crafts group you'd give people who hardly have an athletic bone in their body (like me hahaha) a chance to be part of a group too. There are loads of craft ideas on youtube and pinterest, and as for materials you can usually find those at a supermarket or use recyclable materials you've accumulated (think popsicle sticks, cardboard, various plastic things, etc). Sometimes companies that use a lot of pallets will give you some if you ask nicely if you need some planks (paint, hardware/home improvement stores have some laying around usually). Some art supply places may have rewards programs too, so in the long run you save some money.
     
    #12 TinyWerewolf, Oct 23, 2023
    Last edited: Oct 23, 2023
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  13. lottaotter

    lottaotter
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    I would really like to start my own group actually.

    To make it even simpler to begin with, just renting a space where people could bring their own art projects to would be good. For a couple of hours.

    I don't know if anyone would come since I don't know any LGBT people here and I'm also clueless with social media, but it is an idea.

    I am still trying to pluck up the courage to write that email.
     
    #13 lottaotter, Oct 23, 2023
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  14. TinyWerewolf

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    Places like Facebook would be a good place to make a group chat for it or spread the word (there may be tutorials for how on youtube). Or if you have any LGBTQIA+ people you know would enjoy it from your running group you could invite them/ ask them to tell friends that would be interested. Perhaps it'll be easier to get to know them in that setting rather than the running club. You could put flyers up in local LGBTQIA+ spaces too, spread the word that way.
     
    #14 TinyWerewolf, Oct 23, 2023
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  15. bingostring

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    The problem with these sorts of groups is that the established members are slightly glued together in a clique and it’s safer for them to communicate within the clique than reach out to a new member… and for the new member (you) it’s that much harder to break through the wall. If you are also a bit anxious, you may have a body language that others feel is a bit closed.

    Another angle may be to go with a friend so the dynamic changes and you have an ally as support so it’s less overwhelming for you.
     
    #15 bingostring, Oct 24, 2023
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  16. chicodeoro

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    Right...that tells its own story.

    I think a letter or email to the main organiser is even more of a good idea now. Groups don't like to think they're intimidating to outsiders, but they often are because of existing dynamics within them. The organiser cannot be unaware of its vast gender imbalance - he may well want to do something about it and be open to ideas of how to make the group more welcoming and inclusive.

    Beth x
     
    #16 chicodeoro, Oct 24, 2023
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  17. lottaotter

    lottaotter
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    I think my anxiety probably does show. A teacher used to joke to my mom that I "looked like I was going to kill myself". But apart from when I'm trying to socialise with gay men, I'm usually OK now, even if I'm not having a good time, I've learnt how to pretend.

    Do you have any ideas how I can look less nervous?

    I don't have any friends I this city unfortunately, and no LGBT friends anywhere, but it is a good idea anyway so thank you.
     
    #17 lottaotter, Oct 24, 2023
  18. lottaotter

    lottaotter
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    You're completely right here. As I'm not part of the LGBT crowd here, and won't be going back to the group, I suppose I've got nothing to lose by writing them this email.
     
    #18 lottaotter, Oct 24, 2023
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  19. lottaotter

    lottaotter
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    Just to make an update on this in case anyone cares. I have decided not to email them. I can't see them taking it seriously. I don't really think I have any business to speak out against them like this- they'll just be able to say that it was because I seem 'cold', 'serious', 'wanted to be left alone' etc. etc. The city I live in is small and gossipy and I already make enemies too easily, I don't want to wreck any chance I have of ever belonging here, especially amongst LGBTQ people.

    Thinking about it every day for a week has made me feel ill and given me the worst depressive relapse I've had for years. I'm seriously considering plastic surgery again, or at least getting my teeth straightened. I need to put energy into changing my personality a lot too so that I am more likeable. Not sure how yet.
     
    #19 lottaotter, Oct 30, 2023
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  20. Rayland

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    I understand that it all can be very scary. Your own well-being and safety is the most important thing. I really like the @TinyWerewolf idea about making your own group. It doesn't need to be like a big community thing. You can advertise on Facebook groups or forums to see if anyone is just interested in running with you. Another thing that I wanted to emphasize is that if you wish to improve yourself do it in a positive and healthy way. With plastic surgery, it's important to do it for yourself, rather than for others. I'm not against plastic surgery if it helps with your own self-esteem and raises your quality of life. It can be expensive though, so doing research is important. I also want to get some surgeries, not only for rising my self-esteem but for the purpose of bettering my quality of life.
     
    #20 Rayland, Oct 30, 2023
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