Struggling to see way ahead after coming out to wife

I was reading this and something stood out ... be patient... Working towards communicating it seems is the biggest problem. Getting your partner to acknowledge that part of you and then just allowing you to have a conversation about it. If it takes 10 , 20 , 30 conversations... so bit it.. its the only way for you to move on. That is where my mind is at this point.. I just want to talk about it.. get it out there ... then one can move forward. What would being patient entail? Weeks? Months? Years?... Getting to having the conversation seems to be more important.. Just my feeling... trick is how do we get there without tipping the apple cart.

 

Beth you sound totally coherent to me. I believe some where deep in our consciousness there is a trace of knowing what is happening in our lives today. Whether in this life or past lives, we knew this this time was coming. Not only knew it asked for it. I hate the pain I’m creating for my wife and when I tell my children. Why did I ask to turn my life upside down in my 70’s? Makes no sense to me now, but it will. I’m not that far from my next life. Wondering how that will shake out? I’m also hoping for more accepting world not full of fear and prejudice. You said, “If I knew I would have came out decades ago…”. That is so right on. I feel a huge loss there. Bless you.

 

.. I just want to talk about it.. get it out there ... then one can move forward.

I’m finding this a very difficult process. My wife won’t just talk about it. It makes too real for here i think. I take every opportunity to speak to her about but she just closes up for now. I know patience is in order but I’ve been waiting for this moment my whole life. So frustrating…

 

No that's OK, I feel like that myself sometimes. You put it into words very well.
Getting some time alone is really helpfull to me. By the time I return to the nest I'm all fired up thinking I can make things better, turn things around. Then reality crashes in, and I know that I'm just not getting what I want out of this marriage. Two people, just going on. One seemingly happy with that, the other - me - looking at another world. And wondering why I have to keep all these thoughts opinions and feeling to myself so as not to upset some of the (frankly) homophobic people around me.
I just want to be me! Whatever that is.
(sheesh. I'm rambling too now..)

 

You are lucky that you can get time alone... my girl has me on a very short leesh ... so yea.. even posting on EC is done on borrowed time. if I can say it that way.

I see where you are coming from with regards to the split in worlds.. Same here.. Mind is somewhere totally different, but you try and stay mindful of that fact not to complicate things even more. Other day I spoke before thinking what I was saying (commenting on a gorgeous guy) ... almost bit a bullet there..

I agree talking about it does help, not in a therapy kind of way, but in a way that you try and make sense of it all. Having others inputs helps you see things in another light and maybe, just maybe away forward, even if its just the courage to take the next step.

 

Guys.. just giving a kind of follow-up.. wife is having a session with my therapist .. pushing to see if couples counseling could work .. don't know if any of you tried it.. should I give it a go? Some subjects is a bit touchy, so therapist had the idea of including her in the process... don't know where it will lead too.

 

I went to see a psychiatrist, a gay one, about one year into this journey. A pokey wee room at the back of someone else's office borrowed for the meet. I wondered as I sat there, trying my best to get my money's worth just what value I would get. I'm still wondering 5 years later! He didn't say what I might have expected. I'm guessing he was thinking how to persuade me to buy more time. (Probably not, just my sceptisism). He said beware of 'gay euphoria. The urge to burst out and shout it to the world was best stifled. He was right I think, because haste wouldn't allow those around me, and especially those who love me to adjust. There would be a smaller chance of acceptance and integration after the initial nuclear burst. And that's how the movies show it and what we all want, so it's worth keeping everybody calm. So I'm going very carefully, not to spook the horses. So far, a rocky road. But it could have been worse. I do know that if this goes to the conclusion my heart wants, a miracle will have happened. I'm not a great believer in miracles. But I do have patience. Go canny B1. M

 

Well my wife blew up last night and we agreed the marriage was hanging by a thread and probably not going to make it. We started getting ugly with each other and very accusatory so I shut ti down for the night and we slept on opposite sides of the house which is really our normal for the last 5-7 years. I left early this morning and she was gone to work when I got back so won’t see her until tonight sometime. I’m actually pretty calm. Wherever it goes is where it belongs. Hope everyone is having a nice day.

 

I came out to my first therapist more than 4 years ago. He happened to also be gay and supper religious. That created a whole new dynamic. He tried to persuade me to never come out, especially not to my wife. With every therapy session, my wife got more suspicious, accusing me that something was going on. I spilled the beans with my psychiatrist, who immediately suggested a new one. Best thing I ever did (after 4 years seeing the therapist and wasting my time). He suggested a new one, elderly lady. First day I told her where I stand, told her I am Bi, and all my other hang-ups, and if she had any issues, we stop there. Well she surprised me. Told me that she new I was not 100% straight the minute I walked in. We immediately hit it off and 2 years later have not looked back, best thing that happened with me in my journey.

I agree and implore anyone in therapy, pick the therapist. Don't just be stuck. If it doesn't work, move on. You are wasting your time, and if they are not a LGBT ally, move on as fast as you can (I am not talking about the religious condemning part)

So M, I get your message.

 

74, sad to hear you are in this situation. I am not picking any side, (not getting in the middle, so to speak), but want you to know that you have support.

Communication with our partners seems to be the difficult part. As soon as it starts breaking down we start loosing the structure we strive so hard to maintain. It seems to be especially true for married Bi guys, after coming out to our wifes, or is this just my imagination?

Taking that step back , and trying to see it from her point of view may help you understand the blow up, make sense of it, and maybe find away forward. Yes, throwing around accusations does fuel the fight, and sometimes its a good thing ( all the fights I was accused of being gay, if she only new) It sometimes paves the way for an outcome, but also allows both parties to blow of that pressures that's building, to a point, and I think in your situation this is prevalent.

Breath, and remember that you are in control of your own emotions and feelings, and maybe opening up and sharing this with her may give you a path to where you want to be, remembering to also reciprocate the fact and importance of her emotions and feelings.

Hope you guys get some positive time to talk things though.

 

You are so right. We’re at a point now where she won’t talk at all and I can only wait until she’s ready.

 

Thinking out loud, sometimes a small gesture can spark a sense that you care about her and just maybe spark a change, not something over the top, something simple you know she would appreciate.

 

"Wherever it goes is where it belongs"
Sometimes words have so much power. And your message is something we should all remember when the chips are down and the plot is running. (I nearly said' when the game is in play' but this is not a game).
The Alchemist story reminds us that by keeping a thing foremost in your mind, everything you do and say will be influenced to that end. I have found EC to be a terrific source of support keeping my true identity unsuppressed in my mind. Someday I think I will cross the Rubicon. It will be a momentous day for me, in good ways and bad.
That day may have come to you 74, and I'm thinking of you.

 

Maldone, thanks for your post. Very settling for me. I’ve been very supportive and caring but at the same time not backing away from who I am. That’s a problem for her. She says she can’t really talk because she’s in so much pain. I tell her to let me know when she wants to talk. Our history says she will never want to talk and instead hopes it all goes away. For those who know personalities, she is a covert narcissist. Drama should be her middle name. She’s experiencing a sense of loss of control and internally she’s strategizing how to get control back. I love the Alchemist story and you are so right. You said, “I have found EC to be a terrific source of support keeping my true identity unsuppressed in my mind. Someday I think I will cross the Rubicon.” You are so on point - thanks.

 

Highlander, you putting this thread out there 10 years ago looks like it has helped dozens of guys.

It has certainly helped me. Until I found this thread, I truly thought I was a complete freak. Reading the entire thread has taught me that I am not alone.

I now realize I am among many guys that have the same basic condition to contend with: 1/do I keep what I have despite the depression, anger, suicidal thoughts, and hopelessness? Or 2/do I take the chance that I can feel whole albeit breaking my wife’s heart and possibly losing my kids?

Until last week, I was definitely going to stay in option 1. However, someone else forced me into option 2.

I realized I was gay when I was 13. It was 1983. Being gay was not an option. Besides, even at that young age, I knew I wanted the dream life; adoring wife to grow old with, beautiful children to raise and mentor, a house to host holidays for my future huge family in, a station wagon to haul the kids and their sports equipment around in (remember this is 1983-station wagons were still the family car of choice!), and the white picket fence to top it all off. This dream life was not an option in 1983 and there was no possibility that it ever would be.

So, I started 40 years of denial and suppression. Married my best friend and we had two beautiful kids. Now those kids are married and have kids of their own.

In a rare moment of self-realization, I told my wife that I had always been attracted to men about 15 years ago. Being in an in-depth marriage class at church at the time meant that we had tons of support and we could quickly move past this revelation. After all, the attraction was unwanted. I loved my wife and my life. She accepted it and helped me avoid triggers over the ensuing years.

2 years ago, I realized my attractions were starting to control me more. It got to the point that I wasn’t watching TV or movies because of the arousal I had when a guy on the screen pushed my buttons. I even made little groaning sounds that others in the room noticed when the right guy was on my big-screen.

I started therapy with a Christian counselor. Told her I had unwanted homosexual desires and needed help to get rid of them. She helped me find some of the reasons for many of my psychological deficiencies. But she couldn’t remove my wanting to be with a man.

In fact, she opened up old feelings I had for friends as a teenager and young 20’s guy. I realized I had fallen in love with two guy best friends. In both friendships I found a reason to end our relationship abruptly in order to avoid the pain I was in. I didn’t realize this at the time. I was so deep in denial. I hurt both of these guys by disappearing and I am just now trying to figure out how to forgive myself for how I treated them.

A year ago I told my wife that I was done trying to stop these feelings. We had spent so much money on therapy and I had cried too many tears to keep trying. I told her, “I am gay. I don’t want to be but I am and have been since I was 13. I have never acted on it [aside from a boatload of gay porn] and I never will. I love you and I hope you can keep loving me.” Because she is the most loving human ever to walk the Earth, she immediately held me and said it was all going to be ok.

As many others have posted in this thread, my desires kept getting stronger as time went by. Same here. Last week, I cheated on my wife with a guy. We masturbated each other. The very next day another guy I was chatting with online turned out to be an extortionist. He demanded $ or he would send my wife and kids pictures and videos I had sent him and screenshots of our very detailed chats.

The prospect of this terrified me. But I didn’t have the money and I knew he would never stop asking for more money. So, my wife and kids started getting phone calls and texts from this guy.

That afternoon I told my wife what I had done the day before with the guy I cheated with. And I told her what was causing these calls and texts. The pain I caused her in those 2 minutes destroyed 29 years of friendship and marriage. It completely broke my beautiful wife of nearly 27 years. It destroyed our planned future. It ripped apart my insanely close family. It sent me off on a rickety raft into shark-infested, stormy waters.

This revelation and impact happened 4 days ago.

My wife will not speak to me or see me.

My kids have told me they love me, but aren’t engaging with me.

We usually all text each other several times through the day. What we are doing. Strange or funny observations in our daily lives. Pictures of my grandkids doing something new and exciting. Simply texting I love you’s to each other. That has completely stopped.

I am alone living in a hotel. Trying to stop spontaneous sobbing outbursts and reminding myself to eat and sleep and do my job so I can continue to support my wife and family.

Highlander, if I hadn’t stumbled on this thread, I might have taken my own life by now.

But. I did stumble on it.

I have spent hours reading all the posts from yourself and all of the other guys going through this change later in life. It has given me hope that things will get better. I don’t have hope that I will ever be whole and happy, but maybe I will in time.

Thank you for putting this out there for others to feel connected to each other and to learn how to move forward.

 

Just read your post and I'm about to read it again. I feel desperate for you. Stay in touch. If I can help just by being here, tell me. I'm also on yesIchat, same name : maldoone.

 

I just read your reply above. Touched my heart. You show more courage than the vast majority of us could ever muster. Time, patience and determination will change your life. Your strength is obviously to us and your desire to be your true self is living in the real you. The support you need to get through all this is here. Stay with us. You matter and your on the right track.

 

Maldoone, thank you for reaching out. I will survive this, if not only to financially support my wife and family.

 

Thank you 74. Your reply means a lot.

 

Patience with yourself and then more patience with yourself. You’ve got the time…..love yourself first..