Things getting worse, really need help

I think I'm even past aplogising for being an ugly, attention-seeking piece of shit and a failure but sorry anyway to anyone who reads this.

I need an outlet. I can't even cut my wrists because my parents are visiting me and they'll see. I really want it all to end because things aren't getting better. All my effort is for nothing I will never ever come close to measuring up to even half what other people are I am disgusting and a waste of space.

This isn't the first time I've make this stupid type of self pitying post and I should be better by now I just don't get how. Nothing seems to work I feel like I'm invisible. Even if I get better now that is still 28 years wasted.

Why are other people so perfect? Maybe it's because they had parents who were capable of loving them and showing their love? Maybe they weren't touched up by the staff at nursery school when they were 3 years old? Maybe they don't have a dad who is alcohol-dependant? Maybe they didn't drop out of everything they tried because (unlike me) they are supported and actually have talent? Maybe they weren't repeatedly locked in a cupboard as a child and told that their mommy and daddy would never find them because they didn't love them?

Why the fuck did this happen to me? I think God actually hates me and you know what I hate me too. And probably everyone else does, everyone else who isn't using me as a goddamn emotional support crutch.

Can't phone samaritans because I have nowhere private to make the call and I don't deserve help anyway, and I wouldn't be able to take their advice or advice from a therapist because I'm so useless anyway and pathetic.

I'm sorry everyone but this might really be it. I'm so sorry this is so dramatic but I want attention so badly.

 

I'll respond to everyone eventually but I just wanted to respond to this for now to say that this has been a huge part of this 'episode'.

Someone from the group messaged me to ask if I was going to the social on the weekend and I replied saying that 'I'd like to but it kind of depends how socially awkward I'm feeling'. I said that because I have been desperate for an opportunity to tell at least on person on the group about that struggle, so that maybe someone will understand I'm not necessarily standoffish or aloof, just really shy.

It was a goal I'd set myself to tell just one person .

But it looks like it was the wrong thing to do because I haven't had a response in 7 hours. I don't think I can ever show my face there again now which sucks.

 

You could be right. I am wondering if I should avoid that person IF I end up going to the social anyway, so as not to make it awkward. I feel now like it was a very bad idea to be open about social anxiety.

 

Thank you. I don't have much to say but thank you for replying to my post. I am going to try again and again to get a therapist. I was seeing one, but I don't think she grasped the extent of my self-esteem problem. I need more than a therapist telling me to 'believe in myself'... I actually need a way to do that. Strategies and things I can DO.

 

Thank you David. I'm sorry for my late reply. My parents are visiting me at the moment and there is nothing that stresses me out more than having guests. I've spent my whole life making sure everyone is happy all the time around me and entertaining guests is an intensification of that.

Thank you for your words. I feel like I'm very needy on EC, as you and others have helped so many times before and yet I'm not getting any better. Yes, everything I listed is true, even though my brain tells me I'm lying. My mom had post-natal depression and wasn't able to love me. And then I was sexually and emotionally abused. And the bullying continued from there. Sometimes I look back at my shitty life and think that the people who abused me, or the other kids who bullied me, would not be able to stand one day in my life. And then I remeber that they will never have to.

I just don't know HOW to become better/to heal/to become less shy and less doubting of myself 24/7. I don't now HOW to improve my self-esteem.

LGBTQ support organisations in the UK generally only offer support to people under 24 years old. At 28 I am deemed to be somone who ought to be healed, or else is past helping. I am starting to agree with that. But I will try looking. I am quite disappointed in mysefl about the sports group. I envy the other guys there so much because they're around my age and yet are so experienced in sex, so outgoing, so proud, so normal-looking, so knowledgable about all things gay, they love drinking and dancing and singing at loud, busy gay clubs. They're everything I ought to be (even though I don't think I want their lifestyles exactly, I DO want the self-esteem they exude and the lack of self-doubt). I joined as a goal for myself, but I am not making progress anymore and getting worse in fact (I mean at socialising with other gay men, not the sport part of it). Should I give up? I am coming away from there every week feeling anxious and beating myself up for failing to be more talkative and outgoing and confident and friendly.

 

Thank you Beth. I feel bad that you always read and reply to my posts with nice things to say- I don't deserve them because I have never done anything nice in return. I have definitely not been paid very much attention in life so far. I'm desperate for some attention.

I have called Samaritans a few times before, and again last night. I do appreciate their work. Of course they are not able to give advice, which is what I need right now (support, help, advice, things I can do to make myself heal).

I am going to email another therapist tonight. I have tried four so far and emailed many others. It's hard to get someone who will do in-person meetings at the moment (I have no privacy at home). I think the problem must be me.

Thank you again.

 

Thank you, I appreciate it.

As for what was helping me before, I am not really sure. This bout of anxiety and self-hatred came out of nowhere, although I know that comparing myself to others caused it. Unfortunately I don't know how to avoid that. Maybe if I liked myself more I wouldn't do it. I have felt this way for my entire life really. Right now I need a break, and I do have time off from work in 10 days time, but it's whether I have the mental resilience to make it that far. I need a break from worrying about whether I'm doing this and that right, whether I said the right thing etc. and if I'm doing enough to make everyone around me super happy all the time, catering to their every 'need' and managing their emotions for them.

 

Thank you. I am so sorry that that happened to you. Do you think there is a hope that we can heal from childhood abuse? I'm starting to think at age 28 that maybe I can't. Please be honest, if you think it's not possible.

By the way, I live in Wales too

 

I am definitely a people-pleaser. It got the the stage where it was costing me money as well as time to cater to other people, and I have actually seen some progress, without as much push-back as I expected when I stand up to my housemate recently. I feel more confident every time I do it. I'm wondering if I'm being too much of a people-pleaser with the sports group? Caring if they like me all the time. They obviously don't like me when I'm trying to be normal and outgoing, so maybe I should try to be myself and not filter anymore. If they don't like me still then nothing has changed.

That is something I could try. What did you do when you had picked your item off your list exactly?

Thank you.

 

Good news! I have just got an email back from one therapist's office this morning and they have forwarded my enquiry to one of their therapists who does in-person sessions.

There is one older guy who went out of his way last time to be friendlier to me and try to engage me on the conversation. I just hope I didn't say anything weird, we're from quite different background and I honestly think I'm the first person from a council estate with a regional accent most of them have ever encountered!

I hope you're right about them, that they do have their own insecurities (that sounds really bitchy to type out but you know what I mean, that I makes them more human!). I have to say that most of not all of them are prolific selfie-posters on social media. Like several pictures a day of them enjoying expensive drinks in cafés and bars with a their many, many friends.

That's what I would do to if there was someone there who was anxious. I am still tempted to go to this social anyway and carry on for one more week attending the group.

Thanks again Beth, hope you are having a good week.