Girlfriend and her colleague

Hello everyone,

Just a message hoping you get your views and opinions on the matter. The situation is as follows:

My fiancee and I are on a one-month break now. This is because I have always struggled with homosexual and bisexual thoughts but I have never really given into these thoughts (I did date casually with men now and then in the past, but now any more since I am with my current girlfriend.)
She knows about my sexuality struggles and she knows that I am bisexual; but two weeks ago I told her that I might be gay- since I'm having gay urges and thoughts.
Upon hearing this my fiancee suggested to explore these thoughts and start dating with men for a month to see if I would be happier with a man. I truly respect her bravery and the fact that she gives me freedom. The reason is that we both want to be sure that I make the right decision when standing on the altar in June this year.

So currently I'm living elsewhere. Now the situation is that my girlfriend has a male colleague that is two years younger than I am, good looking and recently single. They had talked about going climbing together in the past (they both share this hobby, so do I), but due to corona measures this didn't really happen yet. Now this colleague lives in the same town as we do. My fiancee needs someone to speak to about the matter (she has one female friend that knows about our situation) and she and this colleague decided to go on a one-hour walk together to discuss our situation - not entirely in detail.. but still.

Since this is a quite intimate subject, and since he's single I'm scared to death that they may develop feelings for each other. I wasn't too fond of the idea of them climbing together (which may be caused by my own insecurity or jealousy) but I was shocked when I heard she went on a walk.

Am I exaggerating? What should I do/ say or how should I react? Currently I'm exploring my sexuality (even though I now kind of realise that I love her tremendously) but feel like going home as we speak.

 

Thanks for your reply.

We decided that I'm the only one to explore my sexuality. I asked whether she would like to date men and she said that she is not interested in dating men at all. She also mentioned that there is no sexual spark or anything romantic between her and her colleague; they can just talk well together. I do trust her with this, and you're right that feelings could develop at work as well. I just feel a bit insecure and want to lower the risks of her falling in love with him, as she mentioned that they can talk well together and that's an aspect she finds important in relationships. But I guess it's just my own insecurity, which I shouldn't show as it only pushes her away.

From her perspective I understand that she wants someone to speak to, and as he's a bit further away from her (as opposed to her close friends who don't know about our situation) it may be easier to talk about the topic. It's just that the whole situation (her being vulnerable at this stage, him saying the right things and sharing these intimate things) in my opinion is a great foundation for feelings to develop. But maybe I should just stay calm and stop panicking, I try to let it go as often as I can but I notice it's having a negative influence on my own process.

 

Hi Beth, thanks for your reply.

Actually I haven't dated men up to today, although I made two appointmens with gay men this weekend. So in that perspective it's hard to tell what it feels like dating men and what it means for my current relationship.

What I did find out is that love is not just about "labelling" oneself, for I truly love my fiancee and I realize that we have had a great time together and that I do want to marry her. I'm currently exploring because I'm scared that I may feel so much more for men that I did for women, even though I was (still am, but these crazy and intense butterflies kind of faded away) crazy about my fiancee. I have had gay urges, sexual and romantic thoughts a lot lately and therefore decided to explore this. Because they do tell me something. But unless I feel completely at ease with gay men, and feel things I haven't felt before, I'd like to stay loyal to my fiancee and spend a life with her.

 

Thanks for your reply. Good question. But yes, I have suffered from these insecurities in the past. For me it seems like I'm covering these insecurities with a relationship. At least, that's what I realize now. This is due to the fact that I've been cheated on when I was 19, which was a horrible experience. Currently I don't have a LGBT therapist, but I am having a therapist with whom I discuss my sexuality issues, insecurities and addiction.

I just hope that accepting my true self by dating men in public will help loving myself more and prevent rejecting myself. June is indeed pretty soon, but if I don't manage to find answers we will extend the period!

 

Just a quick update. It's been a while since I lived apart from my fiancee. This is what happened:

The plan was to live apart from each other for a month to explore my sexuality and date men (no sex though). Given the situation with her colleague and the thoughts of her falling in love with him drove me crazy and eventually I decided to return back home after a week. I must say that it felt really good to be back with her. And for weeks it did go well, I felt safe, loved and we had a great time. It also comforted me because the fears I experienced when living alone vanished. I also didn't have gay urges and fantasies.

Today, a couple of weeks later, I'm starting to feel pretty miserable again and starting to doubt whether I made the right decision. I keep on having gay fantasies, masturbate when thinking about men or thinking about doing sexual activities with men. This really influences my mood: I have a constant feel of dizziness, or muffled feeling (as if there's cotton wool in my head) and think about sex almost the entire time. I cannot seem to make a decision, or cannot seem to accept my gay part. I'm finding it so hard as there is so much to give up. I'm now scared that I got back to my fiancee after a week to make these thoughts and fears of abandonment stop, to make this anxiety stop. I did feel better once we were together again and I could see that she didn't cheat on me with her colleague e.g.
I'm so stressed now the wedding is just a couple of weeks away, we're preparing, bought my suit, invited guests, organised a bacholor's party, bought rings etc. I just don't know how to do this, if I should just stop it all as we speak, or marry her and hope this phrase blows over. I would rather have someone tell me what to do instead of making a decision myself.

I don't know if I want this to work because society tells me so, or that I don't want to live as a gay man because it makes live harder. I know I cannot change the way I am, but still living as a gay doens't appeal to me. I don't know if it's my homophobia. But I do know that constantly rejecting my true self isn't going ot make me happy.

Anyway, it's bit of a messy post incoherent post after all, I'm sorry for this.

 

Hi everyone,

Thank you so much. She noticed that I felt a bit down and that there was something wrong. So I told her that I have been having gay urges and fantasies again and that they won't go away. She hoped the urges would vanish after I came back from my one-week break but unfortunately they haven't and they will never do. She still wants to marry me only she said that she wants to do relationship councelling for she doesn't know how to deal with this. We talked about an open relationship in a joking way but I don't think she wants that. I'm not sure if I can do that either due to my jealousy and insecurities. But a kind of relationship would make it easier for me to see other men next to having a loving relationship with my fiancee.

@chicodeoro , good question Beth. I do love her and respect her and have a good time with her. But some part of me says that I will be happier if I accept my true self and live the life I truly want to live. I quite an introvert and reserved person, shy in some ways as well, but I feel that it has to do with the deep feelings of self-rejection which I believe would (partly) dissapear should I fully accept myself. Maybe that's a whole different topic, how people felt about their coming out, but for some reason I can imagine it would feel marvellous.

I think I will raise the topic again and talk about it at least. And see what the outcome is. I don't want to make rash decisions, just talk and share my point of view. I find it really hard indeed @LostInDaydreams . But I should just try.

 

Thanks Beth. Well actually the relationship counseling she suggested doing after the wedding. I don’t think she wants to call off the wedding out of shame for relatives and friends (they’re quite conservative)