Stopped liking girls, moving toward bisexuality

Previously, I had posted about self-esteem affecting dating choices. That when I feel good about myself, I want to date girls and when I don't, I feel like I'm not actually into girls or am a fraud and should be with a guy instead. However, I don't think self-esteem is the only thing playing a role in attraction. I felt attraction to this girl about three years ago when I was in graduate school, but there were so many red flags about her that made her almost unapproachable despite me having overwhelming feelings for her. I also felt extremely jealous when I found she was in a relationship, which was a first for me when it comes to girls. It was too overwhelming that I literally fled town to stay away from her lol. It's funny because we had absolutely no connection or chemistry even though I felt this way towards her. I laugh but feel sad about that at the same time. My self-esteem definitely tanked after having this experience.

Ever since I stopped having contact with this girl, I no longer feel anything towards other girls. My self-esteem fluctuates each day, and sometimes even when I am feeling good about myself, I don't feel the need to date a girl. I just go about my day as a single, independent woman. I'm currently on a couple dating apps and even though I've matched with several girls, they never make the first move, which is a complete turn off for me! Even when I make the first move, it's radio silence. I always have to second guess how she feels about me and that's where the anxiety just gets worse. At one point, I thought I could be in a relationship with a girl, but slowly I realized that my personality is better suited for a guy. Girls have just stopped appealing to me as potential long-term partners and I realized that I can't force anything if there is nothing there to begin with.

I'm approaching my 30's and I'm starting to think about real connections. I am so sick and tired of toxic people at this point. Maybe this is something that others on here around my age can relate to an extent. For me, authentic connections start off as strong friendships and all of my female friendships up to this point have been toxic as hell. I've always been used and manipulated and bullied by other women. I've never had a connection with another girl that felt so real that I could completely be myself without having to change a thing about me, second guess myself and the other girl, or worry about how I behave or dress. I want to wake up next to a partner without having those feelings. I was a tomboy with lots of guys friends growing up and those friendships were actually healthy. I tend to have a lot more in common with guys than with girls. I like video games, crime drama, and horror movies. Having similar interests is sort of a dealbreaker for me when it comes to relationships. If we have nothing in common or different personalities, I don't know how a relationship could work.

I've started gravitating towards guys as potential romantic partners and begun questioning if this previous attraction to a girl was just a one-time thing or if I'm just bisexual with a romantic preference for men. I acknowledge that I had attraction to a girl, but I am also questioning if maybe it was just this one girl and it doesn't necessarily mean I'm gay/bi. I read a different post on here that said that just because you experience an attraction to the same sex, doesn't mean that you are actually gay or bi. What makes someone bicurious versus bisexual? I have fantasies but I don't act on them ever. Only ever kissed women. Maybe I only like the idea of being with a girl, but not the real thing. Thoughts on this?

I can't shake off the feeling that I could be interested in guys as well. Maybe this is compulsory heterosexuality talking. When I started questioning my sexuality in my early twenties, I did believe I could be bisexual or pansexual. I had a crush on a guy in college, so I knew that there was some straight in me. Perhaps I need more time to grow with the person - guy or girl. If another girl comes along and there is something mutually romantic there, great. I would just be shocked if that happened. Likewise, if a guy shows up in my life and becomes sexually appealing to me, awesome. It just hasn't happened to me, and I don't want to consider myself as part of the LGBTQIA+ community if I haven't even had a romantic anything yet. I would feel like an intruder, being somewhere I don't belong.

I am seeing a new therapist this week and hoping that she can help guide me on this journey, but I wanted to post on here too because I do appreciate the support you all have given to me. Thank you.

 

Thank you for the support. It's been such a confusing experience! I hope my new therapist will be helpful too. We will see!

I guess I haven't met enough people who have had similar dating experiences as I have. Maybe it's because all of my friends who identify as not heterosexual have met their significant other super easily through dating apps. Meanwhile I am lucky if a girl ever gets back to me but have no problem getting responses from guys. It's nice to finally get attention from somebody. I find taking initiative to be a really attractive trait and that seems to be a guy thing.

When you said meet somebody in person, how do you mean? I can only think of dating apps as a way of meeting other people. I would think it'd be difficult to find somebody in person without having communicated with them online first. To be honest, dating apps help me keep my sexuality private and that's the avenue I want to use to explore myself. I've tried group meet ups before, but I only ever felt like a fraud or imposter being there. Everyone is too experienced, I feel like I have to act like a different person, and it's intimidating for me. I'm a very private and independent person.

I'm sorry about your previous relationship experience. I hope that you were able to work on the self esteem issues. It sounds like you were never interested in men in the first place?

 

You're right. It's probably best not to go on here and ask these types of questions. Only I can know what is truly going on.

Usually, it's been experiences. And so true, you make a good point. Someone has to take the initiative otherwise there wouldn't be couples out there in the world. I realize now that it's all me and I am the problem, not knowing what I want, and it's no fault of other girls.

I can see how the "newness" of it all would make you believe being with a guy is what you truly want.

It's fear, a combo of bad experiences, and never feeling certain about what I want.

Haha I'm convinced that a guy will swoop in and "save" me. Yes, I know I am not sexually interested in men. I just really enjoy their companionship and wish sometimes that life was easier, and I didn't have to overthink about all this.

YOu're right, I don't think it's a great idea to date women either. Mental health is more important. I don't think I will ever date women again. I tried and it didn't work out. I think it was a big mistake and wish I could go into a time machine and erase what I did. It only makes my anxiety and stress worse. I'd much prefer male companionship, even if it's of the friendship variety. I am in the asexual/aromantic camp at this moment and have no desire to venture out there and find a partner. I'm perfectly content with being single and independent, which is something probably no LGBTQIA+ folks can really relate to, since everyone seems to want or be in relationships. Well, other than aromantic folks lol.

 

Thanks, @LostInDaydreams. I appreciate you listening to my story for a bit.

 

I know you did not mean that in a mean way. I do go in circles and find myself incredibly annoying repeating a bunch of what I have said in previous posts, ruminating, and I don't know why I do it. I guess I try to talk and think myself out of the situation. I'm not comfortable just sitting with my thoughts by myself... I feel like I could also have OCD.

I would have to agree with you on that, but lately I realized I'm not as "gay" as I thought I was. Or not gay, enough I mean. I've said "I'm gay" out loud to people before and it just didn't feel right to me. I've been backtracking ever since and it's why I've been leaning on the bisexual label. I first started questioning as a bisexual at 22, went to gay at 26, now I'm back to bisexual at 28. With almost no experience under my belt, I feel like I haven't given myself a chance with guys. It just feels weird to give up on men when I haven't even had a relationship with one. It's almost like I feel guilty for not giving men a chance, which could just be compulsory heterosexuality influencing me. No idea. Yes, I am not straight. But I don't feel completely gay either.

Therapy is my top priority right now and hopefully I am seeing a competent therapist who understands my issues well.

I did "come out" to my family 3 years ago, and everyone was fine with it, but my mom was having a hard time. I definitely backtracked that later on when I told my mom I've stopped dating girls around 2 years ago. I never felt confident that I liked girls when I came out. All my dates were failures, I had no experience (still don't) and wasn't sure of myself, and some people didn't believe me, so it all felt weird to move on after the fact. I think she assumes I'm straight or bisexual now because of my behavior thus far. I play along with that by talking about cute male celebrities on TV with her and it's very easy to do that. I certainly feel some pressure from my mom to date and marry a guy.

At this point in my life at 28, I decided I don't ever want to get married so I know that won't happen, but because I get along with guys so well and am attracted to them emotionally, they seem to be the only option for me at this time.

I don't want to disrespect other bisexual people but identifying this way has helped remove the stress of putting myself into a specific box. Because I am still unsure of what I want, it helps to identify as someone who is potentially open to more than one gender. I don't want to restrict myself completely. I'm in my late twenties and still haven't connected with a girl romantically, or anyone for the matter; it just seems less and less likely to happen as time moves forward and I get older and older, and it still hasn't happened.

Yes, I am being pressured by family to be with the opposite sex. Maybe there's a reason why it hasn't worked out with girls though. I don't want to limit myself just to girls because it's already difficult enough finding someone of the same sex who is also into the same sex and who likes you AND is actually compatible with you. It's hard to measure up to other LGBTQIA+ individuals who have years of love and relationships under their belt and I have nada. There's a lot of pressure coming from both sides, it seems.

 

@Chip, you are right. There is no genuine sexual attraction that I feel towards men and the opposite sex. There’s a lot of societal and family pressure to date the opposite sex as well and since I don’t have those sexual feelings, it just makes me feel awful. However, if I’m emotionally/romantically interested in guys, I wonder if the sexual feelings will come later. But so far, I’ve never had a sexual fantasy or thought about a guy. I feel pretty turned off at the thought of having sex with a man, but my brain seems to hold on to hope that I’ll want that eventually.

With girls, even when there is sexual/physical attraction, my brain can’t comprehend romance with another girl. I like the idea on paper and enjoy watching fxf relationships on TV, but in reality, I have doubts. Otherwise, at 28, I feel like I would have already had a girlfriend and lots of experiences, like every other queer woman I know, following the typical script of coming out and finding love. Since I haven’t made the right connection with anyone yet and only ever felt toxicity in my interactions, I have serious doubts that romance with a girl is what I truly desire. I guess only time will tell, right? Only a lot of time has passed already and nothing has transpired,

 

@BiGemini87, thank you for sharing some parts about yourself with me. Forming friendships with woman as an adult (I’m not sure how old you are and I don’t want to push you to tell me) is already difficult enough, I don’t know how queer relationships just suddenly happen, you know? It makes me feel like I’m the problem, maybe I’m not into girls, and should just quit and hang out by myself forever.

One of the biggest reasons I walk away from women is that they typically dislike my personality and weird quirks, making me feel badly about myself; and it’s much easier to go to men because they seem to accept me as I am and I don’t make a fool out of myself like I do with girls. I had lots of guy friends growing up and was bullied and harassed frequently by girls. That doesn’t seem to stop after high school - it still goes on in the workplace and other areas of life too. Then the conflicting thoughts and feelings of attraction and hate come together and it makes me feel miserable.

Yes, I am hoping therapy will at least help me feel better about myself and realize that I don’t need to change anything about myself. I know it’ll take time to figure things out. I wish it would just go faster so I can live the most authentic life I can… thank you though.

 

Thanks for clarifying. I will ask though, what happens if as a woman or man, you truly believe that you were once attracted to a member the opposite sex? So much so that you went to counseling and bawled your eyes out because they didn't like you back and chose someone else instead. You wanted to kiss them. You did and you liked it. You wanted their attention all the time. It's just odd to me that I never liked the opposite sex if I went through that pain. That's a big contributor to my hesitation to call myself gay vs. bi. That, and again, guys are healthier for me to be around on an emotional/mental level. I had all these overwhelming feelings that I never felt for any other guy, but still, I never felt that sexual pull when I was around him. Do gay people have experiences like this with the opposite sex before they come out? Did I cry because society tells me I should when it comes to the opposite sex? It wasn't real at all? I'm at a loss.

So why do I still feel uncertain and doubtful when I identify as gay? Shouldn't there be a moment of clarity?

Yes, this is all true, and more specifically, toxicity in female friendships/interactions, sending me the message that it is a bad idea to get into a relationship with another woman; and it feels like a bad idea. It's not just the messages I receive, but it's also the way I've been treated by others. Girls, in particular. I don't know how I can separate that from sexual orientation. Even before the trauma began, I've always had difficulty connecting emotionally with others. It's just wired in me.

 

Hi @out2019. I'm sorry you felt you had to force yourself to feel those things you cannot feel. What got you out of being stuck for so long?