Shame on those who push sex-ed and LGBT underground, not you! Actually when I was 12 few people had access to internet and it was too slow to view pictures, not to mention hi res videos and this makes the difference.
When puberty kick in I started having lots of sexual desires and fantasies of other males. I don’t think I made the connection right away but I was in my early teens when just sort of clicked. I remember just sitting there feeling a lot of shame thinking to myself that this means I am gay. I was still also thinking about girls as well, so later on I started telling myself that I couldn’t be all that gay if I liked girls. I never told anybody in my family because they had a lot of anti-gay mentality back then and I was terrified of them finding out. I just pushed my gay side into the back of my mind and told myself that it didn’t mean anything. Over the years there was a lot of back and forth on how accepting I was of my sexuality and avoided labeling it as well. These days I am trying to be accepting of myself 100% of the time.
The earliest moment I can think of that pointed towards me not being straight (I don't use labels) was in kindergarten when I kissed my girl best friend on the cheek because I was so excited to go to her house later that day (fun fact: she is still my best friend to this day). I think I had a crush on her, I just didn't know you could like a girl if you're a girl. I would also look up videos of girls kissing and I was just so fascinated by it. Then in 7th grade, I had an actual crush on another one of my best friends and we would always cuddle in bed and she would pretend I was the boy she was with and the time and would let me spoon her and hold her hand, but I actually enjoyed it thinking of us two, however she realized soon that it was kind of gay and started pushing me away after she realized. I thought she was not straight too and that it would work out one day, but I was wrong. As of today I would never date her cuz after that moment when she realized, nothing has ever been the same idk. I denied my sexuality for a really long time after that, and we continued being best friends, but we never talk about what we used to do. I came to terms with my sexuality this quarantine in March, and I have had many girl and boy crushes since
Wow I could have written this! I remember when puberty kicked in, I was trying to masturbate to the 'hot' girls and was literally rubbing myself raw....I then thought about one guy- the 'gay kid' everyone teased...and I ejaculated in less than a minute and it was a whole body orgasm. If only I had listened to my body but things were different back then..(this was in late 80s!) I too 'pushed it back' ..but one day I came here and said I might be gay but wasn't sure.... someone said look in the mirror and 'say I am gay' - i felt a rush of warm emotions I never felt....I nearly collapsed on the floor in happiness...but i still live in denial! crazy!
There was no one event that I can recall... just a general acceptance of my sexuality. Then one day I caught myself acting like a girl, and that started me questioning my gender... again, there was no "one thing" that made me realize that I'm pan/ trans/ nonbinary, just a sort of general acceptance that these terms best describe me.
Well, looking back on it with 20/20 hindsight, I can see that in 6th grade I had a crush on a cute young teacher. I also had thoughts about what it would be like to perform sex acts on some of my friends, but I sort of repressed it. There was a little bit of fascination in high school but I was mostly repressed. Then in my sophomore year of college some of it started coming out to the extent that I almost made moves. I regret that I didn't, because it would have spared me some problems. I ended up getting married, but the sex part wasn't so good for me and I ended up satisfying myself with gay porn. Finally, I had to admit to myself that my attraction to men was stronger. I didn't fully tell myself that it was true until I went to a gay club and had my first kiss. Also, my interaction and enthusiasm were much different than they had been with women. (I'm much more comfortable and outgoing.) But when I kissed that cute chubby Latino boy, I knew for sure that it was true. That I was gay. I've had to deal with some issues after that, including trying to convince myself I was bi, but it never really works with women. I love women as friends, but I don't want to have sex with them. I tried all kinds of kinky things to make me aroused, but it's just like helping out a friend you're not attracted to sexually. There's just a "wall" there that tells me it was compulsive behavior due to internalized heteronormative expectations.
At a semi nude beach with my girlfriend went for a dip. I started talking with two guys who were nude. I cold to take my eyes off the one guys penis. .I just thought I wanted that and him. My girlfriend noticed us talking and commented when I got back to the blanket how fully erect I was and where I eyes were. I told her the whole story how I was feeling.
reached this point reached this point. I reached this was true to - and that I was closing my eyes and thinking about guys when having sex. I have heard so many people have this 'moment' I really wish it would happen and this doubt would be gone!
looking back there were many signs. I was either just too oblivious to see them or I made excuses for them. for the most part the medication I was on for most of my life butchered my libido and along with it any real interest in finding a partner. once I stopped there were a few red flags I never really took notice of. for example. my father took me to a strip club 3 times. he paid for my first lap dance, I paid for the other two. with all three dances, the girls were pretty and only two seemed like they knew what they were doing (the first one falling flat on her face when attempting a bend gave it away). funnily enough the strippers guided my hands along them which you'd think they'd be against. however, the whole time I felt nothing. there was no spark, no desire, not even a slight rise in bpm. I thought it was strange but excused it as they either weren't experienced enough or I was still feeling some lasting side effects of my medication even after going cold turkey roughly 7 months prior. so all the looking, touching, and talking did nothing, but while I was at work, a relatively handsome coworker accidentally placed his hand on mine and immediately I felt my heart skip a beat and my breath draw short. it only lasted no more than a few seconds but it definitely caught my attention. another sign was the fact that I could easily talk to girls and never really get nervous around them. but with some guys it was a bit of a different story, I could never place why I felt that way and always assumed it was just because I was shy. the last one struck pretty hard. I watched a few movies I saw as a kid, lord of the rings comes to mind. Immediately when I saw Elijah Wood I developed a crush on him (it was mainly his gorgeous eyes and smile that stole the show). and not like when I used to see girls in other movies I thought I had a crush on when I decided, "oh they're pretty" and felt nothing else, no this was full on, heart racing, nose bleeding, butterflies in my stomach, feeling and it came out of absolutely nowhere. at that point I decided, "yeah maybe there's something else going on here". since then I did a lot of thinking and reflecting, researching as much as I could and talked to other gays about it. sure enough the verdict was the same from them. there are many more examples I can name and detail but I think this gets the point across well enough.
I just remembered what I did to myself when I found out. I was really panicked and decided to keep this in the darkest corner of my mind. I constantly told myself I like girls and I even watched porn to prove it. It got so bad that I forced myself to get a girlfriend. We were great friends but I didn't feel anything to her. At a party I was drunk and friends were telling me to hang out with her and I sat down next to her really awkwadly trying to hug her or something and she just broke up with me. I was heartbroken for 5 minutes then I just started realising how bad the relationship was. Then I remembered about .. well the thing I hid from everyone. In front of my eyes I had proof that I cannot love a woman and I couldn't deny it. I reflected back and everything seemed so clear. I slowly became free inside... just to get insecure and have to come out lol Also I know it is stupid but I am still insecure about the 'A girl let me down so I gave up on all of them' situation, please I want your opinions.
it was pretty much the same story here, so I can resonate with your pain. well.. not 100% the same, neither one of us really "broke up" with the other, i-its complicated, but after that I sort of gave up looking for love and decided to let it come my way instead. it was only when other women showed interest that it sparked any kind of initiative in me, however it would never go farther than a few days worth of talking or maybe a date or two. but the whole time I was with them, I felt nothing. don't get me wrong it was still fun to chat and hang out but nothing else really sparked an interest in me. at the time I, justified my feelings by saying maybe the way the first one ended left a mark on me so deep that I just wasn't ready to commit to a relationship yet. at best I was fooling myself. I'm not in a place where finding a relationship is top priority still, but over the course of my last year in college, I slowly began to accept that maybe all these signs mean something. over time I learned that I can accept myself for who I am and what I like but still choose to keep my walls up until I'm certain its safe to let them down to anyone. so in a sense I suppose I'm right there with you.
Im 48. When I was 13 I was at a sleepover with other boys. One boy took his shirt off and I couldnt stop staring - i felt intensely attracted to him. He noticed and made a comment so I looked away... I knew then but have suppressed it until 3 years ago when I started getting uncontrollable gay desires. My bran has finally accepted it.
What I love about coming here, so many gay guys coming out, and I read posts I literally could have written..@Lovri you phrased this so well, looking back I realize I had the exact same experiences.