Feeling old, lonely and like my life is basically over

Hi Steve,
Thanks, I vaguely remember the rhetoric of Anita Bryant. I do remember the catholic church taking up the banner against homosexuality. I was catholic too. That is part of my problem; catholic school all way into sophomore in high school. I didn't figure out my sexuality until 17 too interested in motorsports from ages14 to 17. Mortified at the realization of being gay I ran away from home on the weekend made it to Iowa from Illinois before I realized how stupid I was being and turned around. No one knew but me so I decided to deny it. Another stupid idea, I was full of them from 14 - 18 and my parents were livid with me. I was the most problematic child of four; poor academics from 2nd grade to junior in high school. I was always under admonishment. These I think are the reasons why I feel the need for approval. After 18 I have nothing but awards and accolades and family was in attendance for my second award of the Meritorious Service Medal(MSM). I have proved my metal numerous times, I'm not the screw up kid everybody remembers. This self-image is what I'm competing with. I think I need to destroy this self-image before it destroys me.

Do you feel comfortable in large crowd? How about a small group? I actually get tense in large crowds. Don't feel ashamed of calling out for support from a friend that's what we are here for. Was the pub fairly empty? or crowded? I am going to imagine that there was only a few people at the pub with you. While you were feeling anxious you were still cognizant and you knew you had to get some comfort and you managed get to a phone and remember a number to call. Those are good signs that you can get these feelings under control. You can use techniques like imaging, In a safe environment where you can close your eyes. Imagine your self into the scary scenario and keep describing all the feelings your having and replicate mentally. When the mental image gets out of control just open your eyes and touch something and send the image out of you mind. Then start over again and do this three or more times. Then you will be able to go anywhere and just touch something to transfer the bad feelings into an object. Practice it regularly and after a while you be more confident and be able to go where you want with out it becoming an issue. Me I enjoy being alone I used to rent a 22 Ft sailboat for a Saturday and just spend the day alone navigating the coast

MSM: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Meritorious_Service_Medal_(United_States)

Fair winds and following seas
Evgeny

 

Hey Steve
I used to live deep in corn country 100 miles South West of Chicago. I left the corn fields behind in 1984. Then I only visited there once a year during Christmas until 1989. The family re-grouped in central Florida from 1990 on. One of my siblings is in the Windy city and another lives near Des Moines they join us for holidays it always a good time. I haven't been in Illinois for 6 or more years now. I saw your profile's location right from the start and said "cool, a fellow midwesterner" No I'm not Russian at all but yes the name is. It's a screen name and I chose it instead of being James24862439107 that's all. The commonality of names on the internet is sometimes exasperating.

I'm going to agree with your reaction to your perilous foray at Madame Tussaud's that is completely unsafe and irresponsible that they processed you through like that. I would have probably talked you out of going in if I were there. This situation you were in is a valid concern. I think you may have a subconscious that is identifying risks and sending the flee signal before fight signal gets a chance to chime in. It is a good thing to have it just might need some training is all. Have you ever done any OODA loop exercises that apply to your situations? The OODA loop theory is practiced by military, police, firefighters and first responders world wide. They use it to prevent bad decisions. My loop is extremely "Cooperized" as we say; but it is rapid and sound; a product of many of Jeff Cooper's former students and staff. Security, and safety are always on my mind when ever I am out at a venue or activity the family says I over think things but they are always glad they have me along.

I would like to have my own boat as well. I have an affinity for the sea, once while at sea between Hawaii and Japan our ship was in dire need of some husbandry and I was of the few qualified to do it so I went over the side on scuba and tether to aid in the repair. While in position under the ship holding the broken piece in place I stared into the beautiful blue abyss, thought she called my name, thought good thing I'm on tether.

I think I'm older I was 13 in 77

"if you find yourself in a fair fight; your tactics suck"
Jeff Cooper

 

Hi Steve,
Your welcome, fast to flee is a good thing, coupled with a speedy, well trained OODA loop you'll quickly react to bad situations with the right choice.
Yes, I'm familiar with corn, I de-rouged, de-tasseled, bean walked, and bucked bales every summer from age 13 to 18.

Wow! you play the violin, I'm a fan already. I have a deep appreciation for all music. The classics are my fall back. When I can't figure out how I feel. I put them on. Mussorgsky's Pictures at an Exhibition, Tchaikovsky's 1812 overture, Jazz is a next favorite be it contemporary Like Jon Luc Ponty or straight up Miles Davis, or Coltrane or Smooth Jazz David Sanborn or Sadao Watanabee, My ITunes folder contains 87GBytes of music. I recently found Spotify and enjoying pop music from France, Finland, Russia, Korea, and Norway to name a few in fact the lead singer from the Russian Rock alternative band Nervy (Нервы) is where Evgeny comes from. Speaking of Violins have you ever listen to an artist called Alexander Rybak - European Heaven (Russian version)he's on google music I like it in Russian vice English sounds better
Александр Рыбак - Небеса Европы (Русская версия)


I have combat PTSD I don't share it outside the VA SG

Music keeps me going? Tell me about your taste in music?
When It comes to music I commonly suffer from what Robin Packalen calls
luupilla mun korvissa (On a loop in my ears)

Music is the best healer I know; your in the best of care
James

 

Hi Steve,
You're welcome, Sorry about the music rant; I know not everybody shares my exuberance for music and or my multifaceted tastes.
I'm glad that you are re-kindling your studies with the violin. I hope music for you is the healer that it is for me.

I don't mean to be rude about my PTSD but it is centered on the carnage of war. I don't want to put anybody through what I have been through.


A wonderful thing about good music is; you can feel the emotion in it regardless of the language it's in

James

 

Hey Steve,
Yes, I slipped in between the music rant in small print
and yes

 

Hey Steve,
Thanks, If I ever get through it......I really appreciate your offer, I do....I lost my faith and I lost my humanity there....I can't ask anybody but the trained and fellow damned to follow me into that darkness.

 

I got up the courage last night. I told my mom I was Gay. She said," I thought so, you're still my son." We talked more and she said, "there is still time for you to be happy, be who you are." Today is GAY 1! I've taken my first step out of the closet. I still have the siblings to go but I am told that my sisters have suspected it for a while now.

I added Alison Krauss to a playlist of mine on google music.
I was touched by her cover of amazing grace

in exchange I introduce
Andreas Vollenweider: The Woman and the Stone

 

You don't have anything to apologize for no offense has been made. Thank you for offering to be there for me

 

Hey Steve,
Beyond nervous would a better description; Yes, she is wonderful, soon as I told her and paused to continue she interjected I thought so and your still my son; with that she put me at ease. She even told me that it probably came from her side of the family because she had an Aunt that was Lesbian and two Gay cousins. (that's the first time that has ever been said) She even gave me her blessing to go out and look for a boyfriend. She also explained to me how she could tell. I poured her a glass of wine and one for myself and we laughed a little and I poured out my heart and what I wanted. When I was done she commented, called me hopeless romantic and said, "you got some time left, go and find what want."

How do I feel; Wow! like Gene Kelly singing in the rain.

It was your candor that enabled me; Thank you

Sincerely
James

 

Steve,
Thanks, I am going to adopt your ethos;

and put it mine. This is how I want to move forward as well.
So do you have a bucket/triumph list for the next 20 years?