I agree with Nickw... you can expand your social life in straight groups, interests and events. First of all it will help reduce the isolation, and you can also lead to new friendships and even gay “friends of friends” Retirement is a double edged thing. Maybe you will become more socially isolated without a job and maybe you can line up some part time work to take the place of the old job. Or you could take on some voluntary work with a local charity. Anything to get you out of the house. Then there is your mental health. I think that needs attention on a number of fronts. It is so easy to withdraw and isolate still more and so the idea of getting in to groups and activities is more and more important. I have done travelling on my own too. I quite like my own company but travelling with a friend is undoubtably my preference
Hi, yes, I'm going to have to have a game plan before I retire. I do like traveling, so I guess I'll just see how things go by myself and maybe join a group tour if I feel too lonely by myself. Thanks for your reply!
I was raised RC also and what a crock of crap. It's nice to know you remained true to yourself where your sexuality was concerned. I was pushed into a marriage with a woman who treated me terribly and now, after over 30 years, she gets half of everything I worked so hard for (she was never a partner when it came to supporting our family). But I'm FREE!!! It is so wonderful to be free. I moved just 8 miles and now have a whole city to myself in a different state (no ghosts). I found an apartment in a victorian house, in a historic district of town, near a park where they have outdoor concerts and festivals. And, I'm only a few blocks from the city center, so it's just a short walk to the bars and cofee houses, where they have live music and/or other live performances on the weekends. Benefits of a college town, I guess. I, too, am not flamboyant; I'm very attracted to manly men and the the effeminate stuff is a real turnoff for me. (On a side note, this shy guy at work that I was always so hot for, for many years, is transitioning to female. Man, what a bummer!). Anyway, I think, in some ways, certain aspects of ourselves are defined by our sexuality. I can't be too close to a good looking guy, even sometimes a certain kind of woman, without feeling an attraction. I don't act on the feelings, but I don't just push them down anymore, either. I acknowledge them as a part of who I am as I like feeling human. After so many years in the isolation of my marriage, I'm teaching myself how to talk to people. Like, the other day, I was just chatting with some neighbors about a tree that fell down during a thunderstorm, and the opportunity arose to introduce myself (or maybe I just took it). I thought it would be awkward (it was for the first few times, with other people), but I was able to transition seemlessly this last time. I'm also trying to smile at people more, and just wave casually. (This is the kind of town where a person can do these things.) My wife never would have permitted this AND she always thought I was looking at other women. I guess the jokes on her! It sounds like you know what you want. You want a straight-acting guy, gentle, who is understanding about your demons and can bring you back to the here and now when those old songs begin to play over and over again in your mind.
Hi again Steve65 Sounds like you have had some good advice since we first messaged I don't know to much about anxiety but I had a bit of depression over my sexuality and I found writing down in a dairy I keep how I feeling at those time and what was playing on my mind and i found it helped me . It my be something you can try I'm not saying it will work for you but it could . And as for all this travelling sounds good something i might look at when i retire but that wont be for a while lol keep well my freind
Hi there, yes, I've tried using a diary and it's interesting to see how limited my perspective was when I was younger. I think most of us experience a bit of depression when dealing with our sexuality. Good to hear from you!
How do you become a full member, is it an automatic thing over time, number of posts, or something? E x
You have to request it. Click "FORMS" (in the blue banner near the top of most EC pages) then "Full Membership Application". It can take a long time to be processed (like a month or two) but it's all about keeping this place supportive, respectful and positive.
WTF!! (I beg your pardon for being so emphatic ) Connecting casually with random people is the root and strength of community! The causal smile, "good morning", or even just eye contact with an acknowledging nod, are all good and important. @RJH I'm so glad that you are now able to those things!
Thanks so much, Sevn, I am absolutely loving this single life! I skipped this stage completely as a younger man and I'm only 54 (my looks haven't gone too far south yet) so I'm gonna sew as many wild oats (so to speak, since I'm gay!) as I can before time catches up to me. I also want a partner, a real life mate, and I intend to go slow on dates (but I'm damn seething to have an experience with a man!) because I want romance. In the old days, the first date was like a sort-of interview, to see if you were compatible. And so on, and the people who went on more and more dates together got closer and closer to marriage (or in our case monogamy). I intend to play it this way and those who can't handle it can find somebody else.
Hi Steve, I'm new here too. I have been retired for 14 years now. I have traveled the Pacific rim into Siam and further to the Ottoman empire, I have tread upon fortresses of the Sumerians. Gazed upon the wonders of Petra, been as far South as Bunbury. Where will you go in your travels? I'm sure everyone our age has issue: mine are PTSD and Parkinsons they're like luggage that for some reason never gets lost when we travel. When you retire it will be a relief to get out of the stress of work, the deadlines will be gone, the petty power struggles will fade from memory and then you will realize you miss the people, the comradery, and maybe the antics of a few but just the being around people and how just a simple gesture of kinship affects us all everyday Take the road lesser traveled to behold the beauties few have seen
Hi Evgeny, it sounds like you've been to some really interesting places. I know that my stress level will significantly decrease once I retire. I plan on relaxing in Hawaii every so often, and making trips to England, Ireland, Germany, Czech republic, Switzerland. If I go to a country that feels intimidating to me, like Greece, I'll go on a group tour. My anxiety and panic attacks get the best of me when I travel. When I first arrive at my destination, I panic but calm down after I've had a good night's sleep. I first went abroad in 93 to London...I was so anxious, I was in the process of booking a return trip that same day! But I didn't. I've already been to Germany and have some relatives there I'd like to meet. I just don't like the idea of traveling alone.
Thanks Sevn, I live/d in a college town, so it really was hard to hard to find the right method for doing this. Younger women, especially sorority girls, look the other way (AS IF!!!). But, my new town (a different collge town, accross the state line) is less students and more permanent residents, although some are farmers (read: Conservatives). On a side note, I'm still in the Q stage somewhat, because certain women can make me feel pretty confused. There's this one chick in her 40's whose been showing up next to me at church during the final hymn, where we all hold hands, and I don't know where she comes from (i.e. she walks down to the row to hold hands with me, I think!). It makes me feel good to know someone would seek me out, even if its a woman! I've never had a problem getting it up with a woman, once I start getting kissed, but I also have never felt the magnetism I do with men and titties just don't attract my eyes like nicely shaped male butts do. Time will tell ....
Hi Steve, Yes, I get anxious when I travel as well. It is brought on mostly by the rigidity of the flight schedule and not knowing where next gate is and how far I have to go to get there. I'm sure if I had a sphygmomanometer attached to my arm in an airport it would reflect my pressure increasing as I step foot in the door. Then it would max out after I checked my bag in. Nothing makes me more anxious than to trust some stranger with my stuff. But it would return rapidly to normal once I reach my destination. At a destination I don't mind joining a tour group but I usually just explore on my own. I like to find the local markets, to enjoy the locals, their cuisine and do my best to learn and speak their language. It usually leads to a lot of smiles, a volunteer guide trying out their English, and plenty of food. If I stay any where for more than a week I usually link up with the local Hash House Harriers (H3) to see if they haring while I'm there and join in. There is always good info on where to go and what to see from members or several from the Hash. Got adopted several times at the Hash and spent time with local families instead of the hotel and just immersed myself in the culture. Best experiences ever. Smiles lead to laughter, friends, and food...what could be better... Fair winds and following winds
Hi Evgeny, yes, I also have issues with others being responsible for my luggage when traveling. I've only checked a bag once in my life, so I stuff all of my belongings into a carry-on and backpack. My mind thinks of the absolute worst case scenario if I check a bag. Flying itself is a little stressful, but in general I do ok. The language barrier also gives me concern. I haven't been to country a country yet where I didn't speak the language (except France, but I had someone with me). But I refuse to let that stop me from traveling to a country that I really would like to visit. Again, I think of worst case scenarios, like a medical emergency, where I wouldn't be able to communicate. And my parents were always concerned when I traveled alone when I was younger, so I checked in with them several times a day.
For travling to another country, someone gave me the advice of learning the pleasantries (like, "good morning", "Thank you", and "I apologize") and the numbers. Most people will try to work with you, and in my experience they really appreciated it when you make the effort to speak their language.
Hello there. What exactly are you depressed and hating yourself specifically about? What did the 8 year relationship that you said wasnt a relationship fail? You said it was your hangups? What are those? The bottom line is that you have to address and deal with the junk and stinkin thinkin. that is holding you back in life. You are 55 and retiring! You are young and hopefully healthy. Those are all blessings. You have the funds to travel or do nothing. Yet another blessing. My point is your life isnt over, your next chapter of adventure is just abiut to begin. You have the power to choose a better 2nd half than your first. We do not live forever so take this as a new lease on life and live it to the max. But you have to finally face the noise that has you feeling this way.
Youre absolutely right. I should see the future as an opportunity, not a time to reflect on everything that has gone wrong. I tried a relationship and it didn't work...I wasn't ready. I just may not be very good at relationships. My religion made me feel guilty about being gay, and in effect affected the relationship. I look back and see how everything fell into place, and I understand it a little better. And you're right, I should look forward. Thanks for this. I'm copying your post.
Hi Steve, When I get in the plane and they close the doors I go completely chill. At that point I know they can't mess with my timeline. The flying is my favorite part of travel. I have a kid like fascination for take offs and landings to this day. I know what phase the aircraft is in just by the sounds. I have even had the privilege to be in the cockpit during a landing and take off at LaGuardia airport. Got to watch the whole automatic pilot process of following the TACANs into the traffic pattern amazing! I guess I'm so chill with flying is because I have done it a lot I estimate it to be close to 800 flights and according to my logbook I have tried to fly without the aircraft 322 times I'm first out in this picture exit speed 120Knots or 138MPH Skydiving's motto is: "The most fun you can have with your close on" I'm the purple and gray in this formation I know when I skydive I'm cognizant of the dangers of taking off in an aircraft and acutely aware of the point of no return and zone of no exit. As we reach exit altitude I get extremely calm, then the door gets opened and the adrenaline flips on and I look out the door and feel a flush of fear as I grab a handhold on the skin of the aircraft and pull myself into position and await the signal at this point it goes crystal clear and the fear is gone at the point I spring off the aircraft. I'm certain one of the reasons I skydive is to feel that fear the other reason is the exhilaration. I know that I fear injury, and it's pain, and possibility of death. But I still jump. I have seen people shrink from fear and I have seen people freeze and tremble uncontrollably and I have been able to refocus them and put them back on track. I can do this for others and I can do things most people fear. But I fear coming out. I fear what people think of me, I fear that I will disappoint family and friends. How did you get out to everyone? Why do you suppose your uncomfortable traveling? If you research medical care in the country your going to and create a list of facilities, pharmacies and doctors on your planned routes you can relieve some of the stresses of those worries I am fond of the motto "The more prepared you are the easier it will go the more confident you will be" All the best to you Evgeny and this is in response to the title of this thread Old age should burn and rave at close of day; Rage, rage against the dying of the light. (Dylan Thomas)
