why do I only like men when I’m depressed?

I’m not sure why this is, but I have noticed a pattern in my feelings for women and men. For the last year and a half I’ve gone back and forth between wondering if I’m a lesbian or bisexual and it’s driven me crazy. Sometimes I think I could be bi because I remember how I felt with the boys I liked growing up, and even though it wasn’t thrilling with them, I can’t help but wonder if I could tap into those feelings for men a little more and discover that I am attracted to them after all.

What I noticed is that I only have these confusing possible feelings for men when I’m depressed out of my mind or feeling particularly sad and alone. When I feel good about myself and good about being attracted to women, my intrusive thoughts regarding men have decreased significantly. I don’t care about them and I feel like I can move forward in my attraction to women. It’s only when I’m in a bad place mentally that I start to obsess over whether or not I like men too. I don’t know what this means or what I do with this!

 

No, but I also haven't had a lot of opportunities to do that. Sometimes I wonder if I would, if I got the chance to flirt with a guy, but it's all hypothetical so far.

 

Yeah, it's definitely the overthinking that drives all of this for me, and it seems to be worse only when I'm upset or depressed... I guess I just don't know how to deal with this or make it stop.

 

Omg that's exactly how I feel! But sometimes I can't tell what comes first; am I depressed because I'm afraid I might not be a lesbian, or do I think I might not be a lesbian because I'm depressed?

 

I definitely think it could be that. Sometimes it really feels that way. Sometimes it's really hard for me to seriously consider the fact that I might actually be bi because I've internalized the notion that bi people can just "choose" "straight" relationships, and then it makes me feel like the way I feel about women is just unnecessary and indulgent, even though I've grown to love the part of me that loves women. I feel protective of it in a way, and when I think I might, even hypothetically like men, that feels so delegitimizing to the progress I've made in accepting myself as someone who loves women, because it reminds me that I *should* want to be with a man, and that I could try harder to make it work with a man.

 

I feel the same way! I mean I know that internalized homophobia and comp het can really make it difficult to understand what attraction is supposed to feel like, but sometimes it feels like calling it comp het is just a way to convince myself I'm not attracted to men when I actually could be. I definitely struggle with internalized homophobia, but it seems that I'm also dealing with internalized biphobia too...

 

I mean, honestly my depression is always out of control when I'm PMSing, so I can at least keep track of it during the month lol. When I get really frustrated by the confusion, all I can do is just try to ignore it because it is too much to deal with, and I am so worn out from worrying about this. I'm just tired at this point. I would have thought by now I'd have some more clarity in my identity.

 

I guess even on my best days, I'm still never 100% sure that I don't like men. It's just that when I'm feeling down I feel like I have to test myself constantly to see if I could be attracted to men. I know that for me, I can't rule out liking men all together, and every time I remember that, I feel even more upset.