why do I only like men when I’m depressed?

Why do you think that makes you more upset?

 

Why not focus on what you're sure of?

You've said in other posts that if someone is wondering if they're truly gay/bi at all, then it means they're not straight because straight people don't go through those feelings. (Maybe this is not your exact words but this is how I remember)

Since it's hard to ditch that straight label in a heteronormative world, Imo you have come a long way by identifying as lesbian. I am struggling with my bi identity too, wondering if any of my attractions were misinterpreted as love. It's very awkward because I'm having this doubt for both genders

I think one would be happier by focusing on a individual that you like, rather than the gender. You sound like you're much willing to submit and fit in with the society, rather than actually liking men. Being concerned about having straight attraction, rather than liking an actual man himself tells me that.

 

How many straight women feel like they would be disappointed if they weren’t a lesbian? It seems like it might be like all the YouTube videos describing signs you might be a lesbian that start with “if you are looking up YouTube videos and quizzes entitled ‘am I a lesbian’ you’re probably a lesbian because straight women don’t do that.” Not sure if that’s true because what do I know? But they frequently seem to say it.

 

Is the fact that the idea of liking men makes you sad possibly a sign, though?

 

I think you continually checking your attraction to men is your brain trying to hang on to what it deems a 'normal' or 'easy' life. On the surface of it if you could fall in love with a guy it would be more straight forward but only if that's actually what your heart desires and I fear it isn't. Being with a guy and then realising it's a girl you want is anything but easy or straight forward.
Maybe you need to just go with what you know, I often as difficult as it is, the less you think about these things the clearer they become.

 

Again, the “are you a lesbian?” YouTube videos described that as a classic lesbian thing to do. Convincing yourself “I can’t possibly be a lesbian because I think Brad Pitt is attractive. In theory. From afar.” And then if Brad ever were to actually show up in your real, actual life you’d quickly lose interest.

Essentially what they said a lot of women do is convince themselves they have crushes on men who are unattainable or who are purely theoretical, if faced with having to actually go out with them, would lose interest. It’s done as a way to make themselves feel normal.

Again, I’m not remotely an expert so take what I say with a grain of salt.

 

I would definitely peruse the later in life boards some before you force yourself into relationship with a man without having explored feelings with women. That sounds like not a good time to do once you have a husband and children. Even if you’re bi or pan, looking at those boards, it would be better if you went into a mixed gender relationship with your partner knowing that so you don’t have this difficult reveal later. I say this with all of the wisdom of someone who hasn’t dated yet. But there seems to be a lot of angst and anguish on that forum over that topic. It seems like, if you can help it, the less indulgent thing IS to explore both so your partners can know what a long term relationship with you really means.

If nothing else, if might be worth striking up a conversation with one of the bi people on that forum and see what they think now that they’ve lived it.

 

that's what I was thinking

 

Me too! I'm a gay guy, but I get curious for women when I feel like I won't ever be able to find love.

When I think about women, I can't get any romantic thoughts, but I can enjoy sexual fantasies. I sometimes wonder if maybe I could learn to love a woman, so I might be able to find love easier. Maybe if I experimented with a woman, I'd develop more endearing feelings, and I'd be able to live a hetero life.

But then, I see a guy who is beautiful and tugs at my heart strings. No girl has made me feel like that. In this moment, I see clearly the difference between my feelings for women and my feelings for men. My feelings for men are all about passion: holding his hand, seeing the twinkle in his eyes, walking with him, listening to him, hugging him, kissing him. These feelings are so effortless and automatic. With women, I can't even develop an admiration for her face; I can't love her the way she needs to be; all I can do is sex.

It's probably normal to think about the opposite sex when we're down. We all want to fit in. We don't want the extra difficulties of being a part of a small minority population.